Is this emotional AND sexual?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2010
Is this emotional AND sexual?
6
Mon, 07-19-2010 - 4:36pm

I'm not sure if this is a good place to post this, please let me know if it isn't... But here's the breakdown of my husband's affair, after reading all the emails between him and his mistress:

December '08 - They start emailing and coming on to each other, right after she left his office to be a SAHM to her 2 month old son (ours was one month old at the time). The conversation turns sexual, he even spends his birthday with her online for 8 hours straight. He also leaves the house to call her and tells me it's about work (I remember this because it was on our oldest son's birthday and I later read the email)

March '09 - They've been in contact all this time without meeting for sex, because one of them always backs out. She says she wants to see the chemistry between them, schedules a happy hour with people from work - he stands her up, then writes back apologizing and begging to meet. They have some kind of fight over the phone, according to one email, then he stops writing her altogether.

July '09 - She's invited to a birthday party via email, he's part of the email, and she "replies to all" to say she can't make it. He writes to her asking how she's been, she replies coldly. That's the end.

September '09 - She invites his office to her son's birthday party. He declines but writes back all chatty and trying to bait her. She replies politely and he immediately (within 1 minute) writes back and tells her "don't be a stranger" and he would "love to see her". They decide to talk on the phone, then she emails him, COPIES HER HUSBAND, and asks my husband to call her because hers will be listening in (she got caught). My husband calls and saves her (I know this because she emails thanking him).

December '09 - She visits the office near Christmas. According to emails, he invited her into his office, wanted her to touch him, she said no, and she might go back to work there. More phone calls (I don't know what they said). Emails about children, how he has been, his life, her as a mom, etc. He tells her she's doing "the right thing" by staying home and shouldn't go back to work.

January '10 - After deciding that they wouldn't resume their affair until she got back to work in his office, she changes her mind and writes him asking him to meet her right away. He leads her on for a week, never setting a date, and finally stops responding.

April '10 - He emails her saying that he misses her and can she please meet him. She says yes, but not until 3 weeks later. Then, she goes to his office and they have sex for the first time. She emails him the next day to set a date, again he leads her on for a week, without setting a date. A lot of emails about our lives and the kids.

May '10 - She emails breaking up with him, saying that it's because she felt "guilty" and couldn't do it anymore - tells him to never contact her again. He doesn't.

July '10 - She visits the office for a friend's birthday. He knows she'll be there and later admits to rushing everyone out of the office all day to make sure he could see her, and hangs up on me when she's about to leave without talking to him. He invites her into his office and apparently they had sex. He tells her he'd be off the following week but would shoot her an email once he got back. His emails are a lot more emotional and they spend a huge amount of time discussing the kids, our routines, him complimenting her on everything, and her child. He seems very interested in her life.

So what do you make of this? Doesn't she seem to be the one who has feelings, instead of him? Please be honest, I welcome all views. Thank you so much. This feelings vs. sex question really matters to me right now, I know it won't in a while but I would like to consider different perspectives before I confront him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2007
Wed, 07-21-2010 - 10:21am

I think you have enough of what is going on. Feelings or not. His feelings are to be for you in a marriage. What you need to do is decide is either to let it go on, stop it or get another life of your own.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Wed, 07-21-2010 - 12:40am
He may or may not have feelings for her, or he could just be being nice to her to keep her as a extra piece of cake. One thing I have learned from reading these boards is that men will often say a lot of sweet and romantic things to another woman (that the wife never hears)just to hold on to that extra piece of cake. They often take the wife for granted and feel they don't have to do that anymore because they already have her. Now in order to keep the mistress they have to pour it (the compliments and sweet talk) on to keep her interested in him cause they know she has no obligation to keep it (the sex) coming. I firmly believe that not many men would really remain very interested in the OW if she decided she just wanted to be friends and not give him the extra cake. Bottom line is that what he is doing is a violation of your marriage vows, And whether he has feelings for her or not it has to stop.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
Tue, 07-20-2010 - 9:43pm

please know that my words are NOT intended to add to your pain or bring you any pain. but here goes:

does it REALLY matter if there are feelings? i mean really, isn't the fact that he is sharing with someone else a part of himself he promised only to you hurtful, very very hurtful? of course it is..........

my husband had no real feelings for the other woman, and so when i confronted him i wanted to know "you are telling me you were willing to, you thought so little of our marriage, that you would risk it on someone you had NO REAL feelings for? - a quick piece of a** was worth destroying our family - that is what you are telling me?"

i would recommend reading as many posts on your subject and others as you can. there are many many smart, caring, intelligent, women here. they all offer a different perspective, and viewing each and every thought does wonders.

most importantly please know and believe this - you deserve to be loved, you deserve to be cared for, you deserve to be protective. you deserve to NOT have to live a life of worry, worrying about who he is with or what they are doing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Tue, 07-20-2010 - 1:49am
Of course it's both.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
Mon, 07-19-2010 - 8:58pm

It sounds both sexual (sex in the office twice) and emotional (the phone calls, emails, personal talk, flirting). He has been investing in another relationship. He was stealing time from you and your family to give to her. You are dealing with elements of both.


But to me it does not sound as either of them want to leave their current relationship they just want extra cake on the side.


Usually what happens is when a betrayed spouse starts shining the light on the behavior the cockroaches scurry for cover.


Do you know her personally? Have you met her? I had met my husband's other woman and after 6 months of my husband trying to go no contact and just ignore her she was still sending him emails and leaving voice mail at his new place of work. (Yes that was a condition of him being married to me that he had to leave the office that she worked at and find a new position. He did.) He just dropped her with no explaination but she could not let go. She got his number and email from a friend.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2010
Mon, 07-19-2010 - 6:49pm

jd,


It sounds like both an emotional and physical