Ex will not accept responsibilty for his cheating

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2011
Ex will not accept responsibilty for his cheating
12
Fri, 03-11-2011 - 7:38pm

So....how do you deal with your anger and betrayal when your ex does not think he has done any wrong?

After being with this controlling man for 23 years, I am now finding out all sort of lies such as he frequented massage parlors and got "happy endings" as well as 1 confirmed affair with an ex secretary.

The icing on the cake was that when I searched my soul and decided for divorce, he claims that he was sexually abused...hmmm never in 23 years did he ever mention that to me.

I can't even vent to him for he feels that he has done no wrong.

As if that isn't enough, I am now in the midst of a custody battle and now having to support myself for the first time in my adult life.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2007

Blindsided,

My attorney is also my cheerleader, and you need to get one like that, or kick his butt into acting as your advocate.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2011

Oh SunnyGirl,

How our lives are so the same.

The children do see through their father's manipulative actions although as teenagers they are fully taking advantage of his "buying" their love.

My ex is stalling as well, probably enjoying it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2007
Blindsided,

My heart goes out to you, but I'm proud of your resolve (and resignation) regarding the end of your marriage. You've made a decision, difficult as it is, that will serve you and your children well as time progresses. Men like your H (and my STBX) are habitual liars and narcissists. THEY DO NOT CHANGE! I can't speak for your H, but my STBX actually believes his lies. Being caught in a lie prompts the denial followed by "well, it was not a big deal". My therapist advised me against engaging in any dialogue with him that even hints of disapproval of his behavior, because it is a useless waste of my time and energy.

You will find in the future that this decision will benefit you and your children in more ways than you can imagine. Despite the given fact that they will still have contact with their father, the day-to-day impact of having the narcissist/liar a constant influence in their lives will help them get perspective. They will be subjected to it when they are with him, but there's little you can do to control that.

Fortunately for me, about the time my children were reaching puberty, they sensed there was something wrong with the dynamic between their father and me and couldn't pinpoint it because I didn't involve them in it. It had nothing to do with them. As a consequence, they don't seem to have picked up his negative behaviors. To the contrary, they are all honest to a fault. It appears that my belief in honesty was a better example than I had thought, because at some point they rejected his bad example without understanding exactly what it was. They got a glimpse or two when he appeared to care more about other people than he did about his own family, which was way too often when they were young.

If your H is anywhere as manipulative and controlling as my STBH, be careful. Mine is deliberately stalling because he hates to "lose". For him it's "win" or "lose", and there's no room for compromise. Too sad. Our children are now adults and know more about those "bad vibes" they sensed all those years ago. They are also maintaining a neutral status in all of this, despite my STBH's efforts to "talk to mom and see if she won't change her mind". Be careful about that one, too.

I'll share some more of my STBH's antics as my divorce from him progresses, because I can hear the wheels turning in his head trying how to figure out a way to work me over during the process.

Like you, I have called upon God to guide me through this morass, and He has. My faith in God convinces me that He will continue to do so. I also believe there is justice in the world and men like the one you married and the one I married will find out what "justice" is. He's just beginning to. I couldn't bring myself to perpetrate an act of vengeance against mine, because I don't have it in me. Prayer works. {{{{{HUGS}}}}} Keep posting. You have allies among us!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2011

So I finally confronted the ex.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2007

Blindsided,

Just stick around here while all this is an ongoing dilemma for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2011

AMEN Goddess Sunny!

Thanks you so much for your wise words of wisdom!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2007

Blindsided,

Apparently this Jackal you married knows your soft spots, because he's probably preyed on them for many years.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2011

Thank you for your insight Goddess Sunny.

As far as deposing the ex that will not be necessary for the state I live in is a no-fault state.

The only thing they consider is if he is currently spending money on someone. Which he is, 3 months after HE filed btw (control, control, control) he already has a girlfriend and has introduced her to the kids as well as having "sleepovers" with her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2007

Blindsided,

It's very likely true that there's more than meets the eye here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008

He got caught and probably has no idea what to do to even start to fix things, if he wants to.

 

Pages