falling apart

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2014
falling apart
Thu, 05-01-2014 - 3:12am

summary of what im going thru..

i just found out or actually had it verified to myself that my husband cheated on me the day before his birthday! awesome right? been married for 7 years, together for 18 years with 2 kids. I had found videos of him having sex with some chick recorded by him of course. now thinking back i had an inkling that something happened before my bday. I had someone ask to friend me on FB with her and my husband on her FB profile picture. I was like what the hell!!! I privately messaged her and she deleted her profile and blocked me from seeing her page. i took photos before she deleted it and sent it to my husband and he said "what do you want to know?" i was so devastated i was not able to talk, all i did was cry and sleep. i couldnt talk to him i was so angry. and when i looked at my kids i just felt sad.  so months went on and i kind of thought it was too late to bring it up again so i let it go. I just went on with life, even though deep down it was killing me inside..unanswered questions. this shit comes again when accidentally i opened a dropbox page with someone elses name on it. i was like hmmm name sound familiar let me go check it out. i know i know i should not be going thru other peoples things, but hey! they left it open and its on my computer. so going thru it several videos came up. clicked on a couple of them to see what they were. BAM! whole world felt like it was falling apart. 

my dilemma...He told me if i cannot give him what he wants he will find it elsewhere. kindof putting it on me. no sex from me, then he will get it elsewhere. this was a few years ago, right after my 2nd child was born. The videos were 2 years old maybe. no details still given. do i have the right to question him now? He said "its already happened and theres nothing he can do to change it. sorry you saw this(the videos) but you shouldnt have opened it its not in your name." I was taken aback by what he said bc it was "our" computer and it didnt seem like he was sorry for hurting me, even though it happened years ago. I asked if he was still talking to her since he has her dropbox acct. he said "I made that account." (what a smart guy i married!) and he has not spoken to her. now what should i believe? too many signs of cheating..i saw them and ignored them throughout the years. i told myself i could live with it just so that my kids will have a father in their lives. I said i don't care if he cheats. I didnt really think he would since i thought he loved me. i know now he doesnt love me, he probably feels obligated to stay with me bc of the kids. i dont know if i can take this anymore...i have so many questions but im afraid to get the answers he will tell me. do i want to know about the affair? i can barely sleep at night without the videos creeping up in my head. i have to sleep with loud music on. cry myself to sleep bc im so frustrated with myself for not just asking him straight out. i;m back and forth re divorve, separation, or staying with him. 

any thoughts out there??