falling apart

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2014
falling apart
12
Thu, 05-01-2014 - 3:13am

summary of what im going thru..

i just found out or actually had it verified to myself that my husband cheated on me the day before his birthday! awesome right? been married for 7 years, together for 18 years with 2 kids. I had found videos of him having sex with some chick recorded by him of course. now thinking back i had an inkling that something happened before my bday. I had someone ask to friend me on FB with her and my husband on her FB profile picture. I was like what the hell!!! I privately messaged her and she deleted her profile and blocked me from seeing her page. i took photos before she deleted it and sent it to my husband and he said "what do you want to know?" i was so devastated i was not able to talk, all i did was cry and sleep. i couldnt talk to him i was so angry. and when i looked at my kids i just felt sad.  so months went on and i kind of thought it was too late to bring it up again so i let it go. I just went on with life, even though deep down it was killing me inside..unanswered questions. this shit comes again when accidentally i opened a dropbox page with someone elses name on it. i was like hmmm name sound familiar let me go check it out. i know i know i should not be going thru other peoples things, but hey! they left it open and its on my computer. so going thru it several videos came up. clicked on a couple of them to see what they were. BAM! whole world felt like it was falling apart. 

my dilemma...He told me if i cannot give him what he wants he will find it elsewhere. kindof putting it on me. no sex from me, then he will get it elsewhere. this was a few years ago, right after my 2nd child was born. The videos were 2 years old maybe. no details still given. do i have the right to question him now? He said "its already happened and theres nothing he can do to change it. sorry you saw this(the videos) but you shouldnt have opened it its not in your name." I was taken aback by what he said bc it was "our" computer and it didnt seem like he was sorry for hurting me, even though it happened years ago. I asked if he was still talking to her since he has her dropbox acct. he said "I made that account." (what a smart guy i married!) and he has not spoken to her. now what should i believe? too many signs of cheating..i saw them and ignored them throughout the years. i told myself i could live with it just so that my kids will have a father in their lives. I said i don't care if he cheats. I didnt really think he would since i thought he loved me. i know now he doesnt love me, he probably feels obligated to stay with me bc of the kids. i dont know if i can take this anymore...i have so many questions but im afraid to get the answers he will tell me. do i want to know about the affair? i can barely sleep at night without the videos creeping up in my head. i have to sleep with loud music on. cry myself to sleep bc im so frustrated with myself for not just asking him straight out. i;m back and forth re divorve, separation, or staying with him. 

any thoughts out there??

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008
Thu, 05-01-2014 - 6:13am

just know you are not alone in this, his actions are selfish and do not reflect on you they refelect on his character love is truthful and kind even if the truth hurts

all the details are excuses, it would have been anyone if it were not her

hold on to your integrity, it is a precious gift that he lacks it will get you through

this is about self entitlement and ego and he is not going to change any time soon if at all

you deserve better, you deserve a considerate truthful partner at the very least and if not that even to live in peace and not be victimized by your spouse in this way - you matter what you want matters how you feel matters (not to him obviously)

you need to now think of yourself and what you want and need what is best for you is best for your children as he does not care about the consequences of his actions 

this is like dealing with a child if you do not discipline or make changes you need for yourself he will keep you there and get an ego boost from it even

he needs a  STRONG dose of reality as he is living in a fantasy and using people 

Peace & Strength to you

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008
Thu, 05-01-2014 - 6:56am
after reading this again, I see this is his version of truth and consideration your marriage vows are all the sudden forfeit to him after you devote your life and bear his children, what about your needs does he satisfy you during sex is he loving - why would you want to cater to his every need being told this (I will find it elsewhere) probably put you in shock and disbelief until now I bet he would not be happy if you were finding your kicks elsewhere its a double standard and again an excuse to be selfish changing all you thought you were getting into in the first place it would be impossible to satisfy anyone who feels this way in the first place as he is saying that his needs are more important and creating an emotional deficiency in you by letting you know that he doesn't care enough about his vows say you were trying to go with this any day he could just say to himself oh I wanted sex today but she was too busy with the kids so I will find it elsewhere did he ask about your happiness or fulfillment in the bedroom? and if you could live with this? if you do not leave him I would advise him that you are in an open marriage now and he needs to be checked for stds and you of course and that he should stay out of your info on the computer as he is clearly not fulfilling your many needs so you are free to find it elsewhere bet that would blow his mind
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Thu, 05-01-2014 - 1:33pm

You were "with" him for 11 years before you married him 7 years ago.  And now you found out that he'd cheated on you the day before his birthday?  Are you deluding yourself that this was something that never happened before?  A cheater is a cheater is a cheater!  If he's cheating on you when you're married, there should be no doubt that he was cheating on you before you were married.  You just never imagined he would do something like that, so you were oblivious to his behavior.  When someone has a facebook page with him as a partner, they didn't just have a one night stand!  You admit that you saw signs of it years ago, but you ignored it, or pretended it wasn't true, because you wanted your children to have a "father"?  They have a father, and he's a tomcat........their mother is miserable because of it.  They are better off with a happy Mother!  And that Mother would be happy without a cheating husband!  He even TOLD you if he can't get what he wants from you, then he'll get it elsewhere.  And you want to know if you have the RIGHT to question him?  You have the right to do anything you want to do.  You have the right to get out of that mess so you can get your life back, and be a good and HAPPY Mother to your children!  So many women who've been cheated on demand to know details......that is so self defeating.  The more details you know, the more upset you get.  Let it suffice that you know he's cheated on you in the past, in the present, and will in the future.  You don't need details!  You need to talk to a lawyer about setting up child support, and you need to tell him to get out, and go with whatever bimbo he's messing with this week.  I've been in your position, and my ex cheated from the beginning, and just like you......I wondered, but said "no, he wouldn't do that"......but in my gut I knew he was doing it.  He had a 5-6 year affair as well as many one night stands.  There was no computer then, but I still was able to find out a lot of it.  We had 3 sons, and I thought the same as you.....the boys need a father.  Then I realized he wasn't there for them anyway, and when he was, he was mean to them.....so finally I got out, and I have been happy ever since.  By the way, he got married to his latest woman a month after we got divorced. The night before our court date he begged me NOT to divorce him, he swore he loved me and threre was no one else in his life.  When I wouldn't back down, he married the one who wasn't in his life anymore, so he said.  And she divorced him too!  Payback is wonderful, lol  I came out of court with a massive weight lifted off me.  You can do the same.  Good Luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2014
Thu, 05-01-2014 - 2:08pm

Its easy to say to move on and get on with my life and be happy...i wish it were that easy. Thank you to those who responded. sometimes I think i just need to vent to someone. I dont want to tell anyone bc its embarassing that i cant keep my own husband happy. 

Yes I know that knowing the details of the relationship will make it harder on me when i hear them but i think I need that to move on, dont you think? 

He is a jerk, I know he is. all signs point to him as a cheater, forever and always. maybe its time to move on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2002
Thu, 05-01-2014 - 4:10pm

You DESERVE to be happy in a marriage.  And don't you want your children to have a good decent man as a role model? The problem here is if you choose to stay, in ten years you will still be dealing with the same issues.  Then it will be twenty years, and so on.  

My suggestion is to seperate.  My guess is he'll come crying back to you, but unfortunately will never change.  Ignoring his bad behavior is almost like condoning it.  He knows he can get away with anything if "you don't give it to him."

Maybe you are finding that now you have finally HAD IT.  Maybe you are stronger than you think and it is time to start living with the respect and dignity you deserve, even if that means living alone.  

No matter what you can always come here to vent.  Even that alone is helpful! hugs and best wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008
Thu, 05-01-2014 - 5:32pm

don't be embarrased this is all in his character his wedding vows don't mean anything to him and he certainly cares less about your happiness

he should be embarrased not you

you could be the best wife in the world and if he just cares about getting sex at any moment he desires it would not mean a thing

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Thu, 05-01-2014 - 11:52pm

Do you understand his problem(s) have nothing to do with sex?  That's his excuse.  It seems as though you are so trying to please him that you give him sex whenever he wants it.  And, I will BET you that sex with him is less than exciting.  The reason most men cheat isn't about sex, it's about ego, it's about lack of self confidence, and they're just trying to prove to themselves that they still "have it".  I've done what you're doing, and there is NOTHING that will change him.  If you want to live forever like the housekeeper/baby sitter....then stay.  If you want to have self confidence and be a happy and loving mother, then you'll have to get rid of him.  And NO, you don't need to have details to get "closure".  Closure only means you accept that he's a lying cheating bum and you need to get him out of your life!  Will you feel better from knowing each and every detail of their sex lives?  No, you won't....you'll only dwell on things you're better off not knowing about.  All you need to know is that they got naked and horizontal together......that's more than enough to prove to you he's a man-slut, and hopefully he hasn't brought any diseases home to you.  You could very well have some diseases that have no outward symptoms.  Next time you go to the Dr. ask them to run tests to be sure, and have a pap smear to check for cervical cancer, too.  You just have to realize that you deserve respect, and that you're not getting any from him. 

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
In reply to: xxxs
Sun, 05-04-2014 - 8:13pm

  There is something that sounds like a power struggle.  This Quote:".He told me if i cannot give him what he wants he will find it elsewhere. kindof putting it on me. no sex from me, then he will get it elsewhere. this was a few years ago, right after my 2nd child was born."

   What was happening in the relationship at that time?   Looking at the time line, then the lover happened about that time.

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Sun, 05-04-2014 - 9:01pm

.I'm sorry for what you're going through. I agree with Fissatore 100%. You don't have to wonder about details, who , what, how long...You saw it all with your own eyes on the videos. He's a cheater and he's been one for quite a while. He isn't going to hcange because he doesn't have to~you've put up with it.  IDK exactly what xxxs is getting at but regardless this isn't about sex; its about his ego trip, just as Fissatore said.

People learn how to treat you by what you allow. My grandmother stayed for years with a cheater....who more than likely had several illegitimate children that he cared for financially while my mom and her brothers had nothing and could go nowhere for their parents' fear that they might see him with one of the many OW or run into someone who would tell them what their father was doing. Its a small, small town and he caused them all nothing but heartache and embarrassment when HE was the one who should be embarrassed as your H should.

You say its not easy....NO disrespect meant but honey, you're preachin' to the choir here. We've all been through it, most had to start over and reclaim our lives. A few chose to stay and most of them are miserable. I've been on this board since 2007. I've seen and heard a lot over the years. He's not going to stop cheating. You need to contact an attorney and find out where you stand and your rights. Also see a dr to be tested and get into counseling.  Or stay and pray you don't contract something from him that can kill you. Children are better off being from a broken home than LIVING in one.

Wish you the best,

GW

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2014
Fri, 05-09-2014 - 3:44pm

I feel for you JustAngry. I wish I could give you a big hug. Your H is doing what you allow him to do. Being that you didn't address his infidelity he didn't see anything wrong with it, had a nonchalant 'I don't give a sh@t' attitude and kept doing him. He's still out there sleeping around and making videos with other women. This woman was not the 1st and won't be the last because you have not demanded respect. Since you have tolerated this he sees nothing wrong with it. So in his mind why 'complain' about it if you're not going to do anything about it. Make a decision on what you want to do. Either your going to remain married to a cheating H for the sake of the kids or your going to divorce him, move on and find your peace. Personally I don't know how you are able to sleep next to him with those video images in your head. I would of hit him over the head with a lamp LOL...Anyway, best of luck to you. Sending you much peace and love XoXoX.

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