Fear & a weight lifted
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|Fri, 06-25-2010 - 11:38am|
So my H disappeared the other night after a huge blow up on the phone, came home half in the bag (I suspected) and went straight to bed. Woke up yesterday morning and left for several hours. I was out finishing up gathering the paperwork for my apartment and came home to find him home. Calmer.
We just went about our day, and after watching the news, he looked so bad, I got up and knelt in front of him and just gave him a hug. It made me cry...he had received a father's day card from our oldest daughter, that had been jumbled around in the mail -- and he said he was just so relieved that she remembered. Anyway, he cried. I cried. We didn't say much more. I went down and put some music on in my room, and dug out my Kindle and figured some mindless reading would do me some good. He came down and asked if he could lay with me, I told him he could if he didn't touch my boobs. (no, really I did...he laughed, I laughed and I turned to face him :) ) we started talking and I told him I needed for him to talk to me about moving out. That I didn't need his approval or permission, I just wanted his blessings and I needed for him to understand why I needed to heal like this. I needed some truth from him, and I couldn't get it living here.
He told me he was ashamed and wasn't ready to give it to me. He told me he would do whatever he could to help me. He reached into the night stand and gave me five thousand dollars in cash. He told me the night before he threw his phone out the window (I knew he had, he hasn't had it in two days) and he told me he tried to shoot himself and his pistol misfired (not sure about that) he said he didn't want pity or for me to freak (I didn't) and that yesterday morning he went to see a mental health person & they wanted to hospitalize him, but he would go when he had some things wrapped up. He had both our guns taken apart and locked in a box and gave me the key.
He didn't ask me where the apartment was, or grill me. All he asked was if it was in a safe place and if I will need help affording it (I work non-profit, I can barely afford bread he thinks lol) He said he will do whatever I need him to and will stay away. He didn't ask about us getting back together or fixing the marriage. No begging or pleading. Today he is going about his stuff & both of us rested better than we have in weeks, I think.
Anyway. I feel like him finally talking to me about moving has lifted a HUGE weight from me. The attempt terrifies me, but he is off to see a mental health worker this afternoon. We will see what happens.