Feeling betrayed

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2004
Feeling betrayed
4
Tue, 01-07-2014 - 12:12am

Hi there, 

I'm so disgusted I don't even know where to start from. Ok, so been with dh for 20  years, married for 11 years.  When we first started dating he owned a little store and a particular customer would come in daily for lunch....she's married with three children....dh was just 20 yrs old and she was in her 30's.....a few years into our relationship he sold his business but she stayed as a friend behind my back.....when I found out about their friendship i did not approve because I didn't trust her so he ended things.  Fast forward 20 years, this summer I discovered a text from dh to a disguised name and dh said I luv you and she said I luv u more, I totally freaked out on him and he admitted that it was not an affair But only a friendship with the same person from 20 years ago.  Dh said they only had been speaking for about a month, I left for five days with my kids and he pleaded and cried that his family was more important so we decided to work on things.  Two weeks ago I decided to check his phone bill and I discovered that he's been talking to her again so I confronted him and we fought.  Now he admitted that he's been speaking to her for five years....I'm torn and don't know what to do, we have two children and don't want to jeopardize their happiness because they adore him, he's a great father.....but in the meantime I'm just torn......help

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Tue, 01-07-2014 - 9:45am

I'm sorry this devastating thing has happened to you. He's says his family is more important than her, but then he continues his emotional, or who knows, possibly physical affair with her even if it threatens your marriage. His actions speak louder than his words. The only way to possibly salvage the marriage is marriage counseling. He would have to cut contact with her, and if he's not willing to do this, then you're in a one-sided relationship. You have to decide if you can eventually be happy again with him, if he stops this behavior. If you're just doing it for the kids and you're the sacrificial lamb, just get a divorce. Yes, it's difficult for children, but divorce happens all the time and kids survive as long as their parents handle the custody issues with maturity. It will hurt the kids more to be in a house where they live with people in misery. Good luck and let us know how it's going.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Wed, 01-08-2014 - 2:16am

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I can tell you this~when I found out about my exH's 'friend' that he was texting and talking to,  at first he lied and said she was his coworker's GF, worked down in NOLA with her dad and brother, that his coworker had used hisphone to talk to her cause he didn't want his wife finding out, blah blah blah. They were just friends, she confirmed this to me, that she and her BF had broken up and my exH was her leaning post.  My exH agreed to cut off contact. Alll of that was lies. 

Then I found him searching for her on the internet. he also cried and said he'd nearly jeopardized everything, our marriage, family, etc. and would cut off contact with her. I told him I would NOT put up with this; he had NO reason to be looking for her, the company she worked for and that I would NOT be treated like this.  So again, he agreed to cut off contact,  He didn't. Phone records proved that and when I confronted him about it, like many will do, he took his A to a darker,sneakier level and got a secret prepaid phone that I couldn't access. But I found out and did access the msgs and found out all I needed to know.  It had escalated to a physical affair and he was living with her in NOLA at the jobsite.  Before sharing the voicemails from his secret phone with him (he used the same password for his phone on our family plan~I dialed the unfamiliar number on our cell records, interrupted the voicemail gretting, typed in password and presto! I heard all their voicemails and got the confirmation I needed.  But BEFORE I shared and played the msgs back to him, I went to the bank and withdrew half of all the money from our joint accounts. (My attorney said he would have advised me to take it ALL.) Once I confronted him, he couldn't deny it but he did. He agreed again to cut off all contact, and i made him call her in front of me so I could listen to the conversation; he refused to allow me to listen...that said it ALL. I sent him packing, told him that IF he could prove to me there was NO physical affair, take responsibility for the damage and hurt he'd caused, and NO contact ever again, change jobs as he could NOT work with her...then and only then could I consider reconciliation. He got nasty once confronted; said he didn't know if he loved me anymore, his R with her was 'complicated;, he didn't know what he wanted.  I told him there was nothing for him to decide~he was a married man with children and that was the end of it.  I gave him 2 wks to get his head out of the affair fog or I'd be filing for divorce.  2 weeks later, that's exactly what I did. He couldn't make up his mind, so I made it up for him. I wasn't going to be his backup plan or give him time to hide assets, plant false evidence, steal everything we had workd 20 yrs for.Still to this day, he refuses to accept responsibility for the A and still denied it until about a year ago.

Staying for the children never works. Staying with someone who won't cut off contact and refuses to put his family and marriage first never works either. You say he's a good father but I beg to differ. A good father doesn't jeopardize his family for a fling.  A good father doesn't put his kids' mother through pure hell and a good father isn't a liar.

You've seen that he is good at lying. Trust me, it is only going to get worse if it hasn't already. I don't mean to hurt you but its highly likely that this has gotten physical with them. Each time you find out more, he lies and says he's cut off contact. Then you find he's lied again and there has been contact. Even after he begged and pleaded, he still is in contact with her.  Until he does get his head out of his a$$, cuts off ALL contact with her, comes clean on everything and agrees to work on this, he's fence sitting. You've been lied to enough. Knock his a$$ off that fence. He made this mess and its up to him to clean it up.  Tell him exactly what is going to happen if he doesn't put your marriage and family first and be firm and mean it. As long as he thinks he can get away with it and still have you to fall back on,  he has no reason to stop the A.

You need to get his name off the joint accounts, change them into your name only, take his name off credit cards as an authorized user, keep records of every expense, make copies of important documents, stocks, deeds, etc and put them in a safe place and see an attorney ASAP to find out where you stand.  Talking with an attorney doesn't mean you are indeed divorcing; its just a very smart thing to do to protect yourself and your kids. YOU have to look out for your best interests right now. Trust me, the men you think would never drain your account dry, hide assets, etc are the very ones who do when confronted with their affair.  Also, make an appt with a dr to get tested for STDs. I know it seems like a lot to do when you're so torn up right now but for your own future, you need to do them. Plus, it helps to take back some of the control and just knowing you are preparing and 'doing something' really helps.

Wish you the best,

GW

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2002
Sun, 01-12-2014 - 1:08am

No question, he needs to go.  Then one of two things will surely happen.  He will be with her for several months, realize all that he has lost, and come running back to you.  Or, they will stay together and cheat on one another. (In which place he will prob still come running back to you).

You will NEVER be able to trust this man.  He has put you thru hell.  You and your children deserve much better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Sun, 01-12-2014 - 1:34am

Lisachilene is absolutely correct. I doubt very seriously you will ever be able to trust him again. Especially given his past answers that he's been in contact with her for 'one month', then its 'five years'; I'm sorry to say I don't think he's come clean with you yet on just how far this has gone.  He doesn't seem to be able to tell the truth about anything.  At the very least you know this thing has been going on 5 years. Trust me, you don't want the back and forth BS, finding out more and more lies and wasting your time on someone who doesn't value you and your children more than this. See an attorney and a doctor pronto.