Feeling confused and hurt

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2006
Feeling confused and hurt
8
Mon, 06-15-2009 - 4:09pm

I *never* thought I'd find myself here. I'd always said that if my H ever had an affair I'd be long gone... no working it out, no forgiveness. Yet, here I am, unable to let go.

Here's my story: H and I have had a hard 10 years. A lot of stress (financial and mental health wise). We have 3 great kids. Last year we were both laid off in the same week and H spent 8 months unable to find work (economy sucks especially hard where we live). I was proud of us though- we weren't fighting or arguing, we were working through our financial issues as best as we could and getting along in the process. Usually, in the past, we'd be at each other's throats with this much stress, but we were doing OK... or so I thought.

He started to get distant in late Feb. I noticed, but didn't think much of it. He was really stressed out, I knew. I did my usual pulling away as well as the stress became too much ( I tend to immerse myself in TV and books when the stress becomes too much). H started to spend a lot of time on FB and would go out once or twice a week to the bookstore to "think" and browse.

I noticed started to get suspicious, but I told myself that he would never cheat, and I knew where he was all the time- he didn't have time to cheat (yeah right). Then, I noticed the same girls name on his FB, live chatting with her. He'd minimize the screen when I walked by. One night he minimized the screen and walked away and I read part of what he had written before he came back and yanked the computer away. The gist was
"My wife just walked by and bitched me out for being on the comp" (which I didn't at all!)
"I can't wait for her to be gone this Fri"

So, my interest was piqued, obviously. He went to bed and I started digging. Thankfully, his eMail and FB account all had the same password and I guessed it (I know, right?!). I printed out everything that I found. I was shaking so hard and trying not to throw up.

There were FB messages from the night of our 10 year anniversary- he'd met her at the movies on our anniversary weekend. Lots and lots of eMails and messages about how they were going to both get divorces (she was already in the process) and run off; he'd refer to me as the "bear" or the "ex"; he told her he loved her and didn't feel anything for me; he told her that we didn't have sex (total lie); the eMails told how they would meet up at the beach or the bookstore and park and make out and talk for hours about their feelings; she would talk about how he made her feel and vice versa; etc etc. It was awful to read!

I confronted him that night. Woke him up. He was defensive and angry and mean about it. He grabbed the eMails I'd printed out and burned them (!!)... I had copies, of course :) But, after a few hours he agreed to break it off. I told him exactly how it needed to be done- eMail or by phone with me listening in. He agreed to eMail her.

The next day, I went by his work and asked him if he'd eMailed her yet? He said yes and I said can I read it, right now. He said no. Obviously I knew then that he was lying. I asked him again, did you eMail her? He said no, said he called her instead. I flipped out, of course. This was not what we agreed to. He didn't see how it was such a big deal (you all know why it is). I went home and got thoroughly drunk (not appropriate response, I know, but it scared the crap out of H).

We talked more, he cried and admitted he was wrong. He said it was an EA, mostly, that, yes, they did kiss and make out, and OW tried to give him oral sex but he stopped her (OW confirmed that for me, too). No sexual intercourse. We agreed to counseling. I admitted to being distant and not as loving as I should have been, while stating that that was not a way to excuse his behavior. I started making big time changes that day to my behavior. My thoughts were that if he was going to cheat again, it wasn't going to be because of anything I was or was not doing, ya know? I was feeling really needy and H and had sex everyday for weeks after this day and things seemed really good. That was april 27th.

Then, about 2 weeks later I started getting suspicious again. He was taking his phone everywhere with him, keeping it plugged in by his bed, never letting it out of his sight. I checked it a couple of times when he was sleeping, but couldn't find anything (turns out he was deleting everything). One night (June 5th) he came home from a family event and I was already in bed. He took his phone and charger out to the family room and said he was going to watch TV for a bit... which was weird. So I went out and picked up his phone and he flipped out, trying to grab it back from me. But not before I saw the number listed on the text messaging... it was OW. I started crying he got angry and tried to deny it. I asked how long it had been going on again and H said that OW had contacted him a couple of times by text. I didn't feel like he was telling me the truth and he was being way too defensive, so I got in the car and drove to OWs home (30 miles away).

I parked outside of her house and called her until she finally answered (it was one in the morning) and we talked for 45 minutes. The actual story was that she had a friend of hers contact H and then H contacted OW. They'd been talking since about 1.5 or 2 weeks after I first found out... H had only lasted 1.5 weeks! They'd been talking and texting DAILY multiple times per day. I was furious. She told me what he had been saying, I told her how H was lying to her, too. H had been telling her that me and H couldn't work out our differences and were fighting all the time. NOT TRUE. We hadn't fought at all! We were still having sex everyday, something else H told OW that we weren't doing at all.

I went home and couldn't eat or sleep for days. H continued to talk with her while telling me he was going to break it off (this 2nd time around H and OW had only talked on phone, no meeting up). It was awful because H and I had to pretend everything was OK because his side of the family had planned a huge Family Portrait Day that very next morning, so I had to smile and put my arm around him and try not to cry (I would have canceled, but that wouldn't have been fair to my MIL and FIL... the pics were a gift to them for their anniversary).

That following Monday, H and I talked, I cried and explained to him how I was feeling. I had him read the entire BetrayedSpouses101.com site and he said he found it very enlightening and helpful and he understood better what he had put me through. That night he eMailed OW, while I watched and sent me a copy of the eMail. He gave me his passwords and offered to change his phone #/text messaging options (I haven't made him do that yet, since I can't find a way to change it w/o his work being affected... it's a work cell phone through a family employer and they would be suspicious).

I feel like he's made changes, but it's only been a week. He's sat with me and listened to my feelings, he's cried and shown a huge amount of remorse. We are looking into counseling, even though we can't afford it.

However, I still feel like he's fence sitting. He's not showing me affection outside of the bedroom. I've asked him to, and he can't seem to do it. I feel like he's not really in love with me anymore, but doesn't want to lose the family we have... I don't know. Maybe I'm just being sensitive, you know. There is so much going on in our lives outside of the A's (he has a job he hates and that doesn't make enough $ to pay our bills, so he's feeling like a loser and he's depressed... it's pretty obvious to me. He doesn't like himself, he doesn't like who we've both become over the years, etc etc)

Sorry, I feel like I'm all over the place on this message. I hope this all made sense. I feel so lost and done and sad. I told him today that by him continuing to have sex with me, but not showing love and affection in other ways, makes me feel like an unpaid whore. He didn't like that very much and said that he doesn't want me to feel that way at all. He says he just hates himself and where he is in life so much.

I'm sure I'll be around these boards a lot more now. I have so much more to say, I just wanted to get my story out. Also, why do I feel so needy? My sex drive actually *increased* since finding out about H's EA...? Anyone experience this? I just want to connect with him... and that makes me feel like I'm not taking it all seriously enough, or having consequences or something. IDK...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2006
Mon, 06-15-2009 - 4:58pm

I forgot to add something... (I know, I'm too wordy, sorry)...

We haven't told anyone about the EA. I don't want to. I mean, I want to talk to someone because I need to get it all out (like I am here), but I don't want family and friends to know. Is that normal? I guess I figure H and I will work this out (I hope) and fix stuff, but if family and friends know they will always look at H differently, judge our relationship... IDK. Does anyone else feel this?

I'm really torn, because on one hand I don't want to tell people what's going on, but on the other hand, everyone knows were having issues and I feel like a fraud. I feel like I'm lying to my good friends or something... Ahhh... I just don't know what to think!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2009
Tue, 06-16-2009 - 12:13pm

Hi, this is the first time I have posted but I have been reading for a while now.


I'm sorry for what you have been going thru.

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Tue, 06-16-2009 - 12:36pm

First of all, you need to take care of yourself. My spouse said all sorts of things right off. It took months for her to stop lying about the affair. Hmmm, no it took many, many months. Don't be surprised if you find out more and it's even worse than you thought. You may have to prepare yourself for that.

So, taking care of you. You need to not drink! That will not help. You need to eat and eat correctly. Veggies, grain, fruit, no junk food. Exercise! Burn off some of this stress everyday with a workout. Do the 180 list. If you don't know what that is, ask. Talk to a lawyer. You don't have to use one just yet but have it in place. If you do all this. It will wake him up and you will be better prepared either way to take care of yourself and your children.

This is not your fault! Even if there were problems in your marriage, he had several ways to address them without turning to another person.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. Chin up. You can do this.

Thomas

5 kids ages 15-9, D Day: August 5, 2008

Status: Figuring it out. Together.

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2006
Tue, 06-16-2009 - 2:20pm

Thanks for your comment. I think we'll be hitting up counseling very soon because our marriage has never been healthy or great... more like 2 roommates that were really good friends. It could be so much more with a little guidance, I know!

Thanks for sharing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2006
Tue, 06-16-2009 - 2:27pm

Thanks for the comments. Yes, I continue to find out little things here and there, or fill in some timeline holes, etc, but I'm confident that I know all the big stuff. I've had lengthy conversations with OW and H, and read a lot of their correspondance (OW even eMailed the correspondence to me, mostly because she wanted to know if H was lying to her and we compared notes). Most recently I found out that the shoes H had received "from winning something online" were really from OW. I know, I was dumb to believe the 'winning them' line. :face palm: Now I just want to throw the shoes away :/

The drinking was a one-time/one-day thing. I'm really not a drinker and I just did it to not feel for a few hours. It wasn't my greatest moment. :/ Most days I can eat OK, but on bad days everything tastes awful and I feel sick to my stomach. Some days I just want to stay in bed and cry, but now that summer is here I can't do that 'cause the kids are home... I feel awful that I don't have the energy to get out of the house and do fun things with them and they don't understand why mommy is so tired/sad/etc. I try not to let it show around them, but they're not dumb.

Anyway, thanks Thomas. I appreciate the response.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 06-16-2009 - 3:24pm

Affairs are all about reality and it looks like your H's affair was his escape from his employment and money issues.

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Tue, 06-16-2009 - 3:48pm

Just so you know. I think you are doing better than you think. I was a complete basket case at this point. I brought in my in-laws on D Day because she had been using them as babysitters. I also called the OM at his work that day. And I began crying for hours at a time and stopped sleeping and eating for like six weeks, and I went A-Wall from work and blew off my two largest trade shows of the year. So much for being the He-Man, wall of strength of the family.

The things I did right was:

I contacted a therapist first thing, he got me in right away. I didn't touch a drop of alcohol for almost eight months. I felt that I needed every stitch of my faculties if I was going to cope and rescue my marriage/family from this. I think I was walking the razors edge as it was. This could have gone either way those first few days/weeks.

In time I began working out and eating right, I did a version of the 180 and I posted like crazy to the boards and let people give me brutally honest advice.

Thomas

5 kids ages 15-9, D Day: August 5, 2008

Status: Figuring it out. Together.

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2003
Sun, 06-21-2009 - 11:35am
shoot, you could telling my story...my H had an A w/someone he met on FB too! How old are your kids? I have a 7yo daughter & she's a major factor in my decision-making.

Nadine - deenie1979


jesussig.jpg image by nadine1979


Nadine - deenie1979

jesussig.jpg image by nadine1979