Feeling lost -what do I do now?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Feeling lost -what do I do now?
8
Thu, 08-04-2011 - 10:26am
Last week I found our my husband of 14 years had an emotional affair with a girl he met on Facebook. This is the 3rd such an affair that I have caught him in the last 8 years.
In 2003 he engages in conversation on the message boards with a girl. She sends him naked pictures while I am in the hospital giving birth to our 2nd child. He lies to me when i find the pictures telling me they are just off of some site.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Thu, 08-04-2011 - 2:15pm

(((Hugs)))

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Fri, 08-05-2011 - 2:55am

Wow, Ollie, you are a powerhouse lately!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sat, 08-06-2011 - 12:58pm

I believe if a man doesn't learn a lesson after the first time getting caught and continues the behavior, that he just doesn't get it. (or maybe he does) but his own selfish ego and need for validation from other women is more important to him than hurting you and the consequences to his family. I think men do this because they are insecure and needy and have to prove to themselves that they still "got it" He does need intensive counseling to figure out WHY he needs this validation from other women. Are these cheaters trying to fill some kind of hole in their lives or trying get the "feel goods" by getting their ego stroked by other women because they feel inadequate about themselves? I think he will continue this behavior until he finds out why. How was your husbands childhood? Was his father a cheater? Did he grow up in a very dysfunctional family?Sometimes that has a lot of bearing on their adult behavior.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Thu, 08-11-2011 - 4:33pm

Ollie,

I love your response.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Thu, 08-11-2011 - 4:36pm

Ollie,

Please respond to this post, as I forgot to check the "Email me when someone replies" on the first email.

Thanks!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Fri, 08-19-2011 - 7:33am

Tracy, I sent you a PM and you can email me if you like.

hang in there,

Ollie

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Fri, 08-19-2011 - 7:35am

Tracy, if you look at the upper left of the screen you will see private message, just click on that and you can read your emails.

hope all is well,

Ollie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Fri, 08-19-2011 - 10:40pm
I will tell you what my dad told me. I remember going to my parents house 3 days after I found out about my husbands affair. I went to tell them I was getting divorced and to apologize for the scandal I would bring to the family. You are destroyed, tired and so beaten down. You can't take much more. You are broken. You were once a happy whole healthy person and you can be that person again. Like Ollie said it is ime for you to seat in the drivers seat. No more backseat for you! My dad talked me out of my divorce that day. He advised that I give it time and he told me that I will be a winner no matter how this game plays out. I win by going to that attorney and getting advice. They tell you exactly what you are entitled to. This was empowering to me because it showed me that I will make it financially if I do leave. My dad was also instrumental in pointing out where our assets were and wha was within my right to ask for. My dad also told me that it was time to speak up for myself. That I was now in a position to make my demands and that is exactly what they were. One of two things will happen: if he is sincere in his efforts to reconcile than he needs to be willing to do anything and everything you ask. You are in control now. If he doesn't, you split, you are okay. Because you sill know exactly where you stand. He doesn't want to do it, pack his bag and leave it at the front door for him. Don't you already feel like he left? You go to that attorney and he will know you are very serious. If he decides to fix it and stay with all your rules: move him out to the couch, you are being kind by letting him stay home. Drive separate to counseling and make it clear that the first lie that rolls off his tongue you will get up and leave that session. No more lies, no more half truths. It's all or nothing. Tell him that for a very short period of time, he has been given leniency, tell him that the truth will set him free and give him a chance to rebuild who he is. Tell him that if you find out he has lied, he is done. That goes for old and new information. Make sure he knows that his words mean nothing to you and only action can speak for him now. The other outcome is he is sincere in his remorse and his desire for change and with time, hard work, lots more tears and fights, you will have this man that you still see potential in. You can do this, you really can with either outcome. You still get to wake up each morning with your head held high. There are many many strong,intelligent wizened women on these boards that can support you in ways you cannot imagine. A big hug for you, time to turn this around......