Figuring him out

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2008
Figuring him out
6
Fri, 04-10-2009 - 9:05pm

Hi guys,

You might remember me, I posted a little while ago about needing computer help. Well I got my software downloaded and its working great. I feel very comfortable with it. DH will be home soon so I've been trying to prepare myself and I was wondering if anyone had advice for me.

If he admits it to me, what do I do then? I do want to forgive him and move on, but how can I know if he will just do it again or be more sneaky?

To complicate matters, I think he does truly love me and want to stay with me, but he probably also wants sex on the side if he can have both. He is able to justify just about anything (its amazing to hear him do it). He has very low self esteem, and the highest libido I've ever heard of. No I can't keep up with him, but I try.

How can I know whether I'm being too naive or too paranoid??

BTW, In case your wondering whether I know for sure he's cheating, the answer is no, but the reason more than some of his suspicious behaviors is that the moment he was out of town and my house was quiet and still I heard my intuition and it hit me hard. I can feel that he's done something to hurt me and violate my trust. Sometimes I would wake up as he climbed into bed and I just got this icky feeling, like he was up to something and then had nightmares for the rest of the night. Anyway, I really trust my intuition. It has helped tell me things when there were no other signs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 04-11-2009 - 9:48am
Your H needs to get to the root causes of his behavior - I strongly suggest counseling/therapy so that he can figure out why he needs extramarital sex in his life and why he needs to self-medicate his low self esteem by committing adultery.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2009
Sat, 04-11-2009 - 10:57am

Trust your intuition.

"If something cannot go on forever, it will stop."  Herb Stein

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2008
Sat, 04-11-2009 - 11:05am

"And you need to figure out what it will take to keep YOU in this marriage."

That just it. I don't know. And I don't know how to figure it out. I feel so unsure of what to do and I'm not used to not knowing where to begin. I know I can't live my whole life in uncertainty and I know that I need to be able to trust him....eventually, but I don't know if he is really willing to earn back my trust. Unfortunately he tends to just say what I want to hear and then do what he wants.

"If he truly loves you and values his relationship with you, then therapy/counseling to help both of you isn't too much to ask, is it?"

Yes, he would be willing to go to therapy. We've talked to him about going to a therapist for some of his problems and we never really moved on from talking about it.

I don't know what to do, I feel like I need to read a book or fill out a check list or something. I hate feeling so disorganized about my feelings...about my life really. Anyway, thanks for listening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2008
Sat, 04-11-2009 - 11:34am

"What level of transparency do you need to feel comfortable with that?"

Thank you. I definitely need to think about that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 04-13-2009 - 7:36pm
What your H says is immaterial - it's his actions that speak volumes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Tue, 04-14-2009 - 1:14am
Don't have a confrontation until you do have consequences firmly in your head.