FIL is driving me UP THE WALL!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2003
FIL is driving me UP THE WALL!!!!
22
Tue, 09-27-2011 - 6:13pm

I appreciate, in advance, anyone who reads this in its entirety. It feels good just to get it all out, and look forward to advice and comments!! <3

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Tue, 09-27-2011 - 7:41pm

Oh Annie,

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2009
Tue, 09-27-2011 - 9:37pm

Hi there Annie! I have read all you're post and I have to say WOW! I have been a CNA for 13 years and I have heard of this and I have dealt with this and this is my solution to you! (Not, that it is going to work considering you're husband...but it's worth a shot) Could you get someone in you're house like a Private Duty Aide to help with his bathing and other things? Or, you could always put him in a Nursing Home.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2006
Wed, 09-28-2011 - 9:45am
Your FIL is legally disabled. You are his primary caretaker and are likely entitled to some benefits regarding respite care. No one expects someone in your situation to never get a break. My best advice to you is to find out what sort of government support programs you are entitled to. They may be at the county, state, or federal level. A social worker would best be able to advise you on that. Your family physician should be able to refer you to someone who can help you find a social worker who can help. It might be in the form of a day program he goes to, or a caretaker who comes to your home to give you some respite.
As a side note, I don't think your husband completely appreciates how difficult your situation is...day after day after day. He is being extremely selfish, I think. He needs to get a grasp of the difficulty of the situation. Perhaps on his next vacation from work, you take the kids away and he stays home with his dad. That way he can perhaps come to appreciate the circumstances a bit more.
But....seek help. Given your FIL's behavior, he is clearly very damaged. And, at 69, he probably has many years ahead of him. Don't think of him as a difficult adult, think of him as a normal child - mentally, that is really what he is. A 3 year old. He is incapable of behaving as you wish him to.

Best of luck. You need it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2003
Wed, 09-28-2011 - 10:11am

Thank you for the reply! You are spot on - it is IDENTICAL to dimentia, but he has been like this most of his adult life, since the aneurism. Having spent the most time with him over the past 4 years, I see his personality worsening, and his sibligs have died from alzheimers. My husband insists it isnt getting worse. I think he IS borderlining on dimentia now. My husband is in denial. He loses sunglasses, reading glasses, etc. at an alarming rate - so fast that now we have told him he only gets ONE pair replaced a month - so dont lose them!

Thing is, with the hygeine thing, he is perfectly capable of cleaning himself. Sometimes he showers without us asking. (rarely. 6 out of 7 days a week we have to TELL him to go bathe, and he gives us push back.) He can clean himself up after he uses his diaper fine, as well. He just doesn't WANT to. Before, he would literally move from the couch after an 'accident' to the office chair (plastic) so that he could buy more time...sick and wrong, I know.

There is NO WAY my husband will move him to a home. He would divorce me first, garaunteed. His sister and he are VERY close. She has had him for a few weeks at a time here and there when we were up in Washington, as she lives in Portland. But now being 3000 miles away, its not so easy. Hence, the 6 mo on/off suggestion.

He is no where near the point where he has to be in any sort of an institution, but he DOES need care - he gets lost, etc, forgets to take meds, etc. In a home though, he would HAVE to follow rules. No creeping at night, eating everything in sight, and being hostile and disrepectful to others. I dont think he would last a week. :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2003
Wed, 09-28-2011 - 10:18am

Thank you for your reply! It IS dangerous to leave him alone in the house, and I end up taking him with me during the day while my husband works on most errands. But honestly, often I DO leave him home and unplug as much as I can and hope to come home to...well, a home.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2006
Wed, 09-28-2011 - 10:27am

Annie,

Your FIL is medically disabled.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Thu, 09-29-2011 - 7:38pm
Annie- it is time for you to put your big girl panties on!!!! Lol an I'll parent should never move in with their kids unless both spouses are 110% committed and willing o sacrifice sometimes years of their lives. Your husband is expecting way too much of you. You sound exhausted and something has to give. I know this sounds really harsh but I have seen it come down to adult children making a choice between their parent or their family. Last poster is correct. FIL should maybe live either in a small assisted living facility where care is catered to his deficits. What is important is schedule, schedule schedule, routine routine routine and boundaries. He is impulsive and not able to process thru the cause and effect of his actions. Many AL facilities has three sets of fresh staff. That's how they can maintain the schedule, maintain patience, care and compassion, caregiving is very very hard. Please pat yourself on the back for all that you do and have done. Your husband is allowing HIS guilt to rule his head. This is not fair to you, the kids or the FIL. You can call the ELDERCARE LOCATOR at 1-877-677-1116. Or visit them online to locate services. I would suggest you calling your local area agency on aging for help in our area. Good luck. Take care.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Thu, 09-29-2011 - 7:47pm
Annie- in the mean time think of your father in law around the 2-3 yr old stage. Ere is a twist because he is an adult and still retains some of those functions. Physically he is capable, mentally he is not. Think of having to word by word cue him to get dressed. He could do it, but I doubt you have the time. Notes are read but not processed. He sees, he takes. It's his. Take the words no, stop, don't out ofmyour speech. As he is an adult that'll just tick him off because he doesn't need your help. Think simple simple short phrases. Repeat if needed. Reapproach at later times or next day. He has optimum times of functioning but they can vary from day to day to time of day. Some people get anxious frustrated in large places- stores church. Even hearing loud and happy kids. He might function very well in a dementia care facility even without the diagnosis. Many after placed are less agitated and are relieved. It is very to try and think with basically no reasoning skills. They live in the moment, in their reality. Nothing you do usually can convince gem otherwise. At facilities, the patients no longer have to think, plan, organize, schedule. All of that is done for them.many get back to what we consider normal sleep schedule. Goodluck again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2003
Fri, 09-30-2011 - 7:03am

Your post is dead-on. That is exactly how he is...a 3 yr old mentally and physically an adult, that becomes agitated when you try to tell him what to do. I have since tried to tell my husband again how I am feeling. Yesterday, for instance, he was driving me up the wall, so my girls and I (no school yesterday) walked down the street for an outdoor play date with a friend of mine and her daughter. Not 1 minute after I arrived, the FIL showed up and hung out there the entire time...I cant win for losing. I told my husband about the issue this morning on my way to drop him at the train platform, and he yelled and cursed at me, said if you think I am going to answer your whiny drivel about my dad, your wrong. I tried, again, to explain to him I am with him 24 hours a day, and even whyen I do find solutions, like a play date, there he is! He proceeded with the following text messages, of which I have not responded:

"24 Hours a day...minus 6 hours of sleeping...less errands and grocery shopping...subtract girl scouts and church functions and our weekend outings...stop exaggerating with the 24/7 bulls*it. Not even close. It's like listening to Democrats spew rhetoric and talking points.It's whiny drivel and nothing more."

"I acknowledge you spend more time in his pesence than you would like. A moment is too long for you, admittedly. But you constantly overstate the exposure to try and prove a point. Get a grip."

"Whatever your problem is this week, I am asking you to wash it down the drain before the weekend kicks off. Your attitude has gone on long enough."

"Not sure if you're trying to

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Fri, 09-30-2011 - 11:23am

I'm so sorry Annie :(.

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