FIL is driving me UP THE WALL!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2003
FIL is driving me UP THE WALL!!!!
22
Tue, 09-27-2011 - 6:13pm

I appreciate, in advance, anyone who reads this in its entirety. It feels good just to get it all out, and look forward to advice and comments!! <3

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008
Fri, 09-30-2011 - 11:49am

your husband does not welcome change even if it benefits both you and your FIL it seems, and he sure is insensitive and judgmental regarding your feelings in my opinion

maybe marriage counseling could help if you find the right counselor

peace & strength to you

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Fri, 09-30-2011 - 12:00pm
Annie- dementia care is something I know. Marriage help is not my forte. I am dealing with a cheating husband myself or else I wouldn't be any where near these boards. However, I can always answer a question with my opinion! Thank you for the chance! I am surprised Ollie didn't set you straight this morning as she has strength I strive for on a daily basis. After reading those texts, I am ashamed and embarrassed for him. I know that as he is your husband and he has the power to manipulate, belittle, disregard, disrespect. When we love and care about someone we give them our hearts. Sometimes we don't treat them with the tender, loving care they deserve. your husband definitely feels like he is the boss. But if I learned one thing post dday it's this: my husband is not my father or my boss. I do not work for him, as he is not my father he does not tell me what to do- EVER AGAIN. marriage should be a partnership with equal give and take. We take turns taking the lead in some area maybe where our strengths are, but that is still about balance. I do not go to church. I respect your choices in your religious beliefs. again, IMHO, a church or religion shouldn't be used to manipulate a person into doing what is perceived as good by others.

I don't know what your your beliefs are about marriage in general, but you are an amazing person. You are in the right here. Your husband is in the wrong. He feels as is he has you trapped and that you will never leave and so he will continue to treat you poorly. You deserve much much more than that. Your father in law deserves much much more than what he is getting. I don't think anything is going to change unless YOU make a change. Unfortunately it seems like it will have to be drastic. Maybe like Ollie suggested, a week away? Take your children. Let your husband figure out what he will do with dear old dad. Your husband needs a wake up call with his marriage and until you stand up for yourself, he isn't budging one iota. Your other choice is to leave things as they are and in my professional opinion you are at the breaking point and you are at risk for hurting yourself or your FIL hurting you. Like a child who doesn't have the words, they talk in a language they know: tantrums, crying, hitting, yelling, throwing, etc. If you tell me where you live (if in states) I can get you connected to resources in your area.

Please take care. Just know that your FIL is a child in that adult body. He doesn't mean what he does. Most people would be mortified if they knew how they were acting. Use your skills as a mother, but remember he is still an adult. Goodluck. Please keep us posted.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2006
Mon, 10-03-2011 - 9:44am

Your husband is a manipulative bully, pulling in Christian values when they support what he needs (and conventiently forgetting them when it means he has to do something).

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2007
Mon, 10-03-2011 - 3:12pm

I'll admit, I'm not a betrayed spouse - I'm technically not a spouse at all, just engaged. But I stumbled across this post and feel the need to comment since your FIL sounds very much like my step-dad.

However, my step-dad is an alcoholic and is having problems that resemble dementia due to his constant drinking problem. When I say constant, I mean constant. My parents own a bar and he is drunk from the time that his feet hit the floor in the morning until he passes out at night. I'm 24 now, but when I was living there as a teen (and a young adult) I was subjected to things that no young person should be subjected to / have responsibility for.

My step-dad is incontinent. He soils himself on a regular basis as well. My mother has a separate bedroom now because he soils the bed and refuses to do anything about it. He "relieves" himself in random places around the bedroom and sometimes in other areas of the house.

He has wandered around the house without clothes on. There was one time when my brother was in high school that he went into my brother's room to yell at my brother and his friends - completely naked and oblivious to the fact that he was naked. He came downstairs Christmas morning in front of my mother, my fiance, and myself, again, completely naked and preceded to converse with us like nothing was wrong with it.

My brother has found him asleep on the back porch on a number of occasions - again, completely naked.

He has wandered around the neighborhood half-clothed and delirious. Often ending up at the bar that they own to drink and pass out on the pool table.

Since my mother has stopped sleeping in the bedroom with him (and cleaning it), it is full of soiled clothes and bedsheets, broken and dirty dishes, and cigarette ashes strewn about the floor from spilled ashtrays.

He often comes home in a drunken stupor and eats random things from the refrigerator and kitchen cabinets - creating a huge mess - and sometimes without even cooking things that need to be cooked for health purposes. He has, on more than one occasion, burned food and almost caused fires. I had to, on more than one occasion, wake him up after he threw something in a pan, put it on the stove, and then passed out sitting at the kitchen counter while the food was cooking.

He routinely rifled through my bedroom when I was teenager - trying to find something to get me into trouble with my mom. He went through my clothes, my homework, the contents of my bathroom and desk drawers - He would even barge into my bedroom (the bedroom of a teenage girl) while I was home without knocking to see what I was "up to." He did the same to my brother.

He's verbally abusive to my mother - constantly yelling at , insulting, and belittling her - I've witnessed it; Hell, everyone in town has witnessed it. When she went back to teaching, he wouldn't let her sleep. He would follow her around the house, yelling at her. She couldn't put a lock on any of the doors because he would remove them once she left. Thankfully, he's never been physically abusive.

He wasn't always this way. My mother felt a responsibility to take care of him, at first. Now, it has gotten so bad that she is afraid to even be around him. My brother and my cousin still live at the house - they are adults in college and will not move out simply because they don't want to leave my mother there alone. My fiance and I moved out last year and felt guilty about leaving her there - I knew that she didn't want us to leave. But now, she can come to our house to stay when he gets verbally abusive. She is in the process of divorcing him now. It upset her because she's much younger than him and felt like she needed to care for him. But it has just gotten too horrible for her to live there.

Milford Sound in New Zealand
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2003
Tue, 10-25-2011 - 3:52pm

Thank you so much for your post. :'(

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Tue, 10-25-2011 - 4:08pm

I don't understand why this task so frequently falls upon the SPOUSE like this, but it seems to.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Wed, 10-26-2011 - 9:43am

Why the h*** are you staying with this..'man' (meaning your h) and in

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2003
Tue, 11-01-2011 - 8:18am

It's got no better. He chewed my butt hard the other day, saying that all of my credibiity is in question beause I lie about his dad, and the 'things I do to make his dad miserable'. I am still sleeping on the couch. I tried talking to my mom and he said "Run to your mommy, suck of her teet some more..." I am thankful every day that I have my mom, so what he sais doesnt bother me. The scar tissue is so think now that much of it doesnt hurt any more. So I told him yesterday, after he called me a bitch, that I would just pretend like his dad isnt here anymore. I will stop cooking his meals, doing his laundry, taking him with me on errands to get out of the house during the day, no more bringing him to Bible Study (this morning is the first day I will leave him behind) etc. etc. He told me Fine, we got along just fine without you while you were in Seattle. (Me & the

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2007
Tue, 11-01-2011 - 8:14pm

Annie, your husband is abusive - emotionally and verbally. It isn't going to get any better by going to a church meeting. He's obviously aware of what the teachings are and he is choosing to ignore them in favor of abusing you. You deserve much more than this. You deserve to be with someone who does not treat and talk to you this way. Take it from someone who spent six years under verbal and emotional abuse with an ex-boyfriend. I just got the hell out. I met my fiance and he's a wonderful person. He would never speak to me the way that your husband is speaking to you.

The only advice I can give you is to get out. Just leave. This is not a good situation for you or your children. Don't waste anymore time on it or him.

You need some sort of therapy. I'm not saying that to be condescending or insulting. I really am suggesting this. Just you - not as a couple. It can be professional or through the church. But either way, you need to be honest with the person providing it - because no one would tell you any different than what I am telling you. The sooner that you are honest with yourself about what is going on, the sooner your eyes will be opened to what he is doing to you.

You are in my prayers.

Milford Sound in New Zealand
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2003
Tue, 02-21-2012 - 3:31pm

3 1/2 months later.....nothing has changed. I give up.