finally have proof, now what?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2009
finally have proof, now what?
9
Sat, 03-14-2009 - 8:03pm
Well after months of suspicion I have finally found proof. I have several instant messanger convos saved in my email and on a thumb drive. I just don't know where to go from here. I don't think we will be able to work it out since we've been here before. He is a Marine and I even found some evidence of an affair with another female Marine. I just dont know what to do or where to go from here.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sat, 03-14-2009 - 9:06pm
Do you have kids? You say "we've been here before" so I assume this is not the first time he's cheated.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2009
Sat, 03-14-2009 - 9:50pm
No kids just 2 dogs. Yeah he's cheated before. Well cybercheating or emotional affair something along those lines. But after reading some of the convos I can see that he was physically cheating too. I gave him another chance and he blew it so I'm done. I deserve better than this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Sat, 03-14-2009 - 11:28pm

yes you do - deserve better.

this month will mark my 31st anniversary. he is a serial cheater. believe me when i say 'him changing' is not possible. men like him, like mine - i think it is in their dna or something. they do not get it, they think they can apologize or cry their way out of each betrayal. the problem is the more times we accept their bs lines the more they realize how little we love ourselves.

saying goodbye to a marriage we thought would last forever is hard. but take it from someone much more seasoned (nice word for old) than you - life is not suppose to be this hard and as oprah says LOVE REAL LOVE - DOES NOT HURT.

good luck to you

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 03-15-2009 - 11:31am

It doesn't sound like he ever took responsibility for his actions or feels remorse for what he did.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sun, 03-15-2009 - 2:00pm
You are making the right decision. When they don't learn a lesson the first time and it happens again their should be no third chances. He has already proved that it is in his character to cheat. Take my advice and leave BEFORE you have children. Otherwise you will be stuck with a couple of kids and a serial cheater for a husband and you will have a miserable life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2009
Sun, 03-15-2009 - 5:38pm
Planin, as I read your post I'm wondering if I should give my H another chance. He is going for counseling but I just have very little faith that he will change. My therapist thinks I should make him leave for a while so I can collect my thoughts, but I want to watch and see what changes, if any, happen.He is very frightened and knows he is at my mercy so I don't want to make any rash decisions. This is his 2nd time ,at least that's what he says, so I don't know. but my therapist says that I can take some time and decide- I guess if you don't have kids and you're young it's easier to leave. we have a 25 yr history together. Otherwise, I probably would have already left.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Sun, 03-15-2009 - 6:11pm

you know lizzie it IS tough. like you said you have history. so did we, alot of history. 2 daughters together. like i said he simply thought he could apologize and vwala it is forgiven, over, lets move on. but i, like you, was left with the hurt and pain of it all.

empathy, in my opinion it is about empathy. the ABILITY to understand EXACTLY HOW YOU FELT - after giving him a second chance and then he goes and does this, and that is it he did not go and do it he was doing it all along. you were skipping your way thru life - as we all do- thinking God has given us a second chance, this time it will be better. this time he gets it - oh no he would never hurt me like that again. then in a millisecond your heart starts pounding to the point of jumping out of your chest, then you feel your lip start to quiver, and the sickening feeling in the pit of your stomach. you can't breathe, your chest starts to hurt - then after finally catching your breath the tears start to roll down your face you are frozen in time. HE DID IT AGAIN. WHY?????????GOD WHY???????????? what about me is so bad that he does not love me enough to be faithful.

sound familiar??????

i can not tell you how to act or what to do - i can only offer MY perspective. a look into my life, if you can call it that. i am offering all women a glimpse into a crystal ball that clearly defines what the future holds for you IF he continues to put himself first.

my husband, soon, very soon after each time would go into this defense. "AM I GOING TO HAVE TO LISTEN TO THIS THE REST OF MY LIFE"? ah that would be a yes, you sob, since you have cheated on me more times that i have fingers and toes (and those are the ones i know about) did i mention the surprise 10 years ago when the da sent a demand letter for back child support for a daughter he fathered 3 years into our marriage. the child was then 17. he even denied her until the dna came back. he had in fact known about her all along. called her mom a welfare whore.

secrets, lizzie lots of secrets. if he was able to keep the 2nd woman secret for so long is there the possibility there are more secrets you do not know about or will never know about?

what gave him the right to cheat????? did you have an open marriage? did he tell you he needed more? did he share with you there was something missing? NO, he felt he did not owe you any explanations, it was all aboaut him. truth be known you are probably the type of partner that any man would be greatful for. the kind of woman who is kind, loving, charming, caring, and did i mention beautiful. hel* you could have been a top ten model and he still would have cheated. they do it because they truly believe they can get away with it. that they can do whatever they want and we will simply forgive.

if you do nothing else, if you make no other point YOU NEED TO FIND A WAY TO LET HIM KNOW -------------- N E V E R A G A I N ---------!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i wish i had the answers, but obviously i do not. i have been in this mess for 31 years, enough to make a maggot gag i know. but understand, i am not happy - and if your husband is just going thru the motions you will not be happy either.

when you speak of the years you have invested i would ask you what is more important years or peace of mind?

i hope i have not offended, that was not my intent.

lizzie we only go around 1 time, there are no redos!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2009
Thu, 03-19-2009 - 7:34am
I am in the same boat as you lizzie.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2008
Sun, 03-22-2009 - 3:58am

hi gal_katie. i'm a long-time lurker (no posts yet) but when i read this post & i had to respond. i am in the exact same boat as you, except we have 2 children. my dh did some cyber-cheating while away in iraq on top of all the other things so this has been extremely hard. he just got back less than a month ago and it seems as if none of the problems even matter. i've been married for almost 2 years and it's been over a year since d-day 1 & 2 (same OW). from what i read your dh does the same thing mine does and mine refuses to stop. i am still struggling in a lame attempt to rebuild. something i asked my dh though... on top of all the pain and humiliation they have put us through, do they not realize how much trouble they would get into with usmc for adultery if it gets out? especially if it was an affair with fellow service member?!


i honestly can't give u any advice since i am still struggling and confused but i do wish you luck on whatever you decide to do. do what is right for you and get yourself together. this is his loss & mistake. if only they knew what they put us through...