first time... lost beyond words

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
first time... lost beyond words
Mon, 01-02-2012 - 8:52pm

I have never done anything like this, but I am desperate. I can not talk to family or friends and desperately need some advice.

My husband and I

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Tue, 01-03-2012 - 3:53am
Hello train- so sorry you had to get on board with us. This ride hasn't been fun at all!!! I think one of the biggest eye openers for me has been to realize that everybody has dirty laundry in their house. And that dirty laundery doesn't discrimate with looks, age, wealth or social status. That dirty laundry finds a way into every house in someway, at sometime. I never thought it would get so out of control in my own house despite the physical appearance we presented to the outside.

I myself am ,let's see, going on 8 months as the result of a fling. The affair brought out many other transgressions in previous years. We are still married. My husband after basically been given a list of "musts" has done everything I asked. Even with that it's not easy, it's not over. Our old marriage is dead. Our house will have to be rebuilt. But I am still wary, watchful and cautious. I gave myself permission to end the marriage at any time. Parts of me died in those first months post discovery. Parts of me I am glad for the loss because what I have tried to do is rebuild myself. Parts of me I will miss, but know I can never get back. I always thought that no matter hat happened I knew I would never be cheated on. All of a sudden, the impossible in my imagination was now a viable option. I felt off-centered and unsure, I lost faith in my ability to judge myself and situations occurring around me. I do not think I will ever trust so blindly again. I just don't think I could get back up again after enduring such a lethal wound.

I came to this relationship whole, happy and healthy. At dday. I can't say that I was any of those things. I allowed by my inaction my husband to abuse and manipulate me. As he got out of his fog, so did I. I am beautiful, and worthy and deserving of whatever I desire. I am strong and smart and there was just no way I was going to let him bring me down with him. No way.

Your husband is an addict. He is addicted to more than one thing. He has to first recognize his problems if he has the guts, look them straight in the face and make a commitment to change all by himself for himself. He is a man who is probably smart, charming and confident, but that is not the man he believes himself to be on the inside. On the inside he is insecure, unsure, wanting acceptance and approval from others, wishing he was stronger. The other part of him has himself thinking and believing that all is ok, he has everything under control, he works hard, he deserves what he is getting. Lying and deception become second nature because they get away with it so long, no one will find out, right? He is the one on the runaway train. But as you know, it's got to rock bottom.

This journey you and I and thousands of other women are on is very lonely and confining. I fantasized about ads on billboards of what my husband had done. But to bring the scrutiny to him would eventually bring it my way. At times I feel trapped jut trying to maintain the facade. To protect myself and all my family of gossip. It is humiliating.

I still just try to feel every emotion as it comes my way. Day by day. I tell myself to keep moving forward, to what, I don't exactly know. I just wanted out of that blast. And with every step, I do get stronger. My ultimatems were given. My husband is an adult, he will continue to do what he wishes. He is not my main concern. I am my main concern, my boys too.

Practical advice to you- std check stat. Attorney consult stat.

I wish you well on your journey. You have gotten this far. Don't give up hope. Take care.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Tue, 01-03-2012 - 8:11am


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2002
Wed, 01-04-2012 - 9:02am

My dear, this man has put you through more than your share of heartache and unfortunately,


"OMG, I got engaged, the world will never be the same!...."


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Sun, 01-08-2012 - 12:40pm
train wreck,
Deb said it all and this lady speaks from experience. Your H sounds exactly like her exH and they both sound like my grandfather who cheated on my grandmother from the first days of their 72 yr marriage. Men like that don't change because they don't want to. He's shown his true colors so many times over the years and its time you saw them. You deserve so much more. I'm so glad, Deb, that you got out of that life and are now happy. You are living proof that we can and do survive!