first year affair need advice PLEASE

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2013
first year affair need advice PLEASE
13
Fri, 03-08-2013 - 5:51pm

I have been together with my husband for 5 years married for less then one. We have had a great relationship up till recently. I had a son from a previous relationship which he was always amazing with. Everyone in my life thought we were perfect together. He has treated me so good, and I thought in my heart we could last forever based off the great relationship we have had and that we have been friends for so long. Within the last two years we got engaged and then pregnant all in the same year. It took a tole on our relationship as most children do in the first year and to add the first year of marriage we have been bumping heads so much. We had poor communication and just could not see eye to eye. I just thought it was typical and that we would get through it, but then all hell broke loose. 

About 3 months back he shut down on me. He said he had been uphappy lately and felt like he couldnt feel his love for me. I was kissing his ass trying to read books and be a better wife. I tried to put all my issues aside and let him have his time alone. Well things just kept getting more weird and he was making no progress so by the end of the month I started checked our phone records and sure enough he was talking to another woman from pretty much the exact time he shut down. I put all his stuff by the door and told him to go to his moms. He has been living there for 2 months now. 

The first month he was out he was a complete ass to me. I asked him if we should get a divorce or if he wanted to try and figure it out. He was completely shut off still and wouldnt just tell me it was over. I finally had enough and told him I was getting a divorce. 3 days later he says is it to late to go to counseling that he wants to try and work on it. He then started opening up, he told me he stopped talking to her and that he wanted to work on us. He told me that since I kicked him out that they had slept together twice. I am sure it is more but whatever. So he then starts counseling had been going for 3 weeks now alone. I refuse to spend time with him because he continues to go to the bar on the weekend which obviously if he is really working on this he would do whatever it took to get me back. I am fed up with his actions. I told him if he is not going to fully commit to working it out with me and doing what needs to be done to try to rebuild trust then I am getting a divorse. He says he doesnt want to sit at his moms on the weekend and do nothing. He wants to spend time with us but I dont know how to let him when I am so angry at him and he has done nothing but once a week counseling up to now. I dont feel like he is going to change but I am still holding on to my family and the possiblity. I dont know if I try and move forward and lay some ground rules or if I just get out now. 

During this time I also found out from one of his friends wifes that early on while we were dating and he was working on the road in Vegas of all places he was drunk at the pool when they went to visit and was making out with a random girl but he passed out at the pool. She also heard that when I was pregnant he went to a wedding without me cause I was too pregnant and was once again wasted trying to pursue a woman. 

Can people change? Do I try to work it out for my kids? I now have two kids with two dads and really dont want to be that woman. I love my husband and thought we had a good relationship but I think he maybe to selfish and immature to do what is needed to fix this. I feel like it will happen again, but doesnt everyone? Did any of you try to rebuild not living together? 

Pages

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Fri, 03-08-2013 - 6:25pm

What were the circumstances surrounding the second child?  Did your husband want the baby?

That is the only thing I can see from what you've written which turned a "good relationship" into one where you two could not "see eye to eye".

No, you can't have any hope of anything working out if you both aren't committed 100% to working it out.  So you both need to decide if you're each down for the heavy lifting that will be required.  You both have to forgive one another (I did not say forget, turn a blind eye or act like nothing is wrong--let's be clear on that) and stop giving whatever it is that sent you both out into "lousy communication, can't see eye to eye" land so much power over you.

If you don't want to be "that woman", then you both need to do everything you two can to save your marriage and that starts with being completely honest with yourselves as well as each other.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2010
Fri, 03-08-2013 - 6:44pm

After reading your post I'm wondering if he has a drinking problem. If so then nothing will change for long until that's addressed and corrected, imo. Also, this just sounds complicated and like there's a lot going on here. I would definitely go to marriage counseling and let someone who really knows their stuff help you sort through it once and for all. I think when you've got kids it is most definitely worth giving it a shot. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2013
Fri, 03-08-2013 - 7:03pm

I would say yes we both wanted a baby he just didn't think it would happen. I told him all the time all the responsiblity a baby brings and how its hard. The lack of sleep, lack of freedom, the arguments that may come with it. I tried to prep him. We are both 29 I just feel like he is extremely immature and likes his free time, and we havent had much since the baby came along. I feel like he started second guessing everything he just committed too because he likes things to be fun and easy and that is not life and marriage, it takes work. I think he is seeing that now.

I just agreed to start spending time with him, he said he would stop going out and would commit to working on this 100 percent. He said we need a starting point and I agreed. I told him I will try and enjoy our time together but if I have questions and want to talk about things I feel like he owes it to me to open up. Is it okay of me to talk about stuff or do you think I should save it for our couples counseling? I am very over powering and he has a hard time opening up so it is hard for us to talk about serious issues cause I get going and he gets quite :) 

Also how to you not question everything they say and if they are being honest? I have a hard time believing almost anything at this point. I wonder if this will just happen again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2013
Fri, 03-08-2013 - 7:10pm

I do think he has a drinking problem too. From what I have observed he seems to run from his problems by over indulging in drinking and marajuana. It was one of the biggest issues in our relationship recently. I dont care what he does as long as he moderates, but he so often takes it to another level.

He grew up around parents that partied a lot. I did not, I grew up around parents that socially drank but never got out of control. We have both been going to individual conseling and since we have both decide to 100 percent commit to working on this we will now go to couples counseling. Hopefully they can help him recognize his problem since it wont be coming out of my mouth. He also agreed to not go out. So we again are making baby steps.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Fri, 03-08-2013 - 7:19pm

  it is clear that you know that there is communication problems.  And that you are overbearing.  Most males are not verbal fighters.  But your expectations are unreasonable.  You will need counseling.  look if someone is being over bearing we could say bullying.  Now how would anyone feel to and about their oppressor?   learning how to overcome years of dysfunctional communications will take a while.  For now  i think with a counselor to have these talks about stuff would be more valuable.

Goldfish

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2010
Fri, 03-08-2013 - 8:18pm
What is unreasonable about her expectations and how is she overbearing? Men who are too childish and immature to handle adult roles have no business taking them on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2013
Sat, 03-09-2013 - 1:42am

I honestly dont think any of my expectations are unreasonable. I dont even know what expectations I have thrown out there except counseling and not going to the bar if he is committing to working on our marriage. I do agree we both have communicating problems and I do agree that I am over bearing which I am going to counseling for and I am aware of.

I understand he lost feeling for me because he thinks I act like his mother, but when he is abusing alcohol and marajuana and it is apparently distorting his logical thinking then I feel I have every right to be frusturated. I understand that things need to change, but the problem is that he cheated and cheated before we were married and I dont know because he is immature and selfish if it is inevitable that it will happen again? He is very impulsive he wants things before it is financially possible he obviously struggles with self control in all areas of his life and it is one hell of a stress on my back when I try to financially keep us in check and have to deal with the abusing alcohol and now cheating! 

I am confused because he wants to try and rebuild but becuase he lost feelings he questions everything. He says he realizes he does still love me and he misses me, but he is not passionate about rebuilding like some of these other men/woman I read about. He still thinks this could end in divorce as do I, but we recently did commit 100 percent. 

Would still love to here your opinion Ill take it all, and I do agree the best place would most likely be in a control counseling atmosphere since we have the communication issues.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Sat, 03-09-2013 - 12:18pm

firstyearaffair wrote:
<p>I would say yes we both wanted a baby he just didn't think it would happen.

What? Was he not having unprotected sex with you? The result of unprotected sex is conception. Did he think you were using BC and you weren't?  I don't understand why he would think it wouldn't happen unless there was a miscommunication regarding contraception.

Quote:
I told him all the time all the responsiblity a baby brings and how its hard. The lack of sleep, lack of freedom, the arguments that may come with it. I tried to prep him. We are both 29 I just feel like he is extremely immature and likes his free time, and we havent had much since the baby came along. I feel like he started second guessing everything he just committed too because he likes things to be fun and easy and that is not life and marriage, it takes work. I think he is seeing that now.</p><p>I just agreed to start spending time with him, he said he would stop going out and would commit to working on this 100 percent. He said we need a starting point and I agreed. I told him I will try and enjoy our time together but if I have questions and want to talk about things I feel like he owes it to me to open up. Is it okay of me to talk about stuff or do you think I should save it for our couples counseling?

Save it for couples counselling. At this point, everything is fragile and you don't want to enter into a line of discussion that can end up blowing up what you're trying to accomplish.  The therapist is trained to guide you both through that minefield and keep you both mindful of the boundaries. 

Quote:
I am very over powering and he has a hard time opening up so it is hard for us to talk about serious issues cause I get going and he gets quite :)

which is why, like I said, save it for the therapist's office.

Quote:
Also how to you not question everything they say and if they are being honest? I have a hard time believing almost anything at this point. I wonder if this will just happen again.</p>

Save it for the therapist's office until you've learned effective communication techniques with each other.  You have to make a decision---either you want marriage with him or you don't.  You want to either move forward in marriage or punish him for the forseeable future. If you're opting for punishment, then save the money on the therapist and hire an attorney instead and get it over with.

It's reasonable to think that nothing he says is truthful--so on that, he's going to have to show you through his consistent action that what he's saying is the truth. Nothing is going to spin the earth backwards to the point before he chose to enter into what he did--nothing. Make peace with that and move on.  However, a lot of this also has to do with forgiving him and releasing yourself from the prison and the power his actions have had over you.  If your investment is in this situation having power over you, then you will be the one who remains stuck while everyone else will have moved on and left you there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2013
Sat, 03-09-2013 - 5:54pm

No everything was out in the open with having a baby, we both wanted one we had many conversations regarding it, but we were not yet married. I only questioned it because I wanted people to know that we were getting married because we wanted to, not because of the baby. He proposed before I got pregnant. I was going to get back on birth control when he proposed so I wasnt a pregnant bride but of course the month after he proposed I got pregnant. The only thing he said about getting pregnant, was that he didnt even think he could have a baby (like his sperm were ruined from all the weed he has smoked). 

I agree with saving it for the couples counseling but what suggestions could you give me in regaurds to us not living together and me trusting him. I feel like we need some ground rules. He agreed to not going to the bar anymore and I agreed to spend time with him on the weekends, but I still dont know if he really goes home after. I feel like my gut is telling me he is, but do I just wait till I here so and so saw him out? I feel like I am just waiting for something bad to happen which prevents me from being able to move forward. I also am not on our phone records I asked him to put me back on he said yes but then doesnt do it then I am once again the nagging woman. I feel like I want to try and want this to work I just dont know how. Sorry I am just so confused, and look from advise from any place inbetween my counseling apt. My friends understand but at this point think I should just move on, yet I can't seem to do it yet cause I still have hope and still love him and want to save my family.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Sat, 03-09-2013 - 9:42pm

Just a guess, but it sounds like he "shut down" on you after finding somebody new, and it sounds like now that he realizes the affair wasn't going to work out (they virtually never do), now all of a sudden you're looking pretty good to him again.  I do not hear him giving solid reasons for YOU to want to stay together.  If he's also been observed going after other women, then you're likely married to a serial cheater, another guess but probably pretty correct.  Have you been tested?  Has he?  That's your #1 issue here, making sure you haven't picked up something he picked up from God knows who.  If he's ADMITTED to sleeping with this one woman twice, that's dicey - most deny sleeping with them at all, so again, just a guess two isn't the right number.  So, he doesn't want to sit at his mom's house doing nothing on the weekends.  How insulting to you.  In other words, you're better to him than hanging out at his mother's.  Yep, he's giving you all kinds of incentive to want to stay together.  People can change - behavior.  Not who they are inside, just behavior.  And past behavior is supposed to be the best predictor of future behavior.  Things have gone downhill since you got married, communication isn't good, you don't agree on things as a rule.  Ask yourself what you are getting from this arrangement?  I bet if you spent serious time apart you'd be happier.  Those who come here have been affected by infidelity, but some partners in the stories come off as blatantly selfish, and yours sounds like one of them.  Get yourself tested and if you're uncertain how to proceed, find a therapist to help you make certain of your decision.  All of us here deserve better than we got.

 

I just read your last post - about how can you trust him?  You can't, not now, anyway.  He has to EARN THAT, it's totally HIS job, it is not your job, and it can take a very, very long time.  He has to become totally transparent to you in all his activities, be able to account for all hours of his day, volunteer you seeing his e-mail accounts/phone call info, and anything else you want.  If he refuses, he's even more selfish than he appeared initially, AND he isn't committed to working it out.  I would not trust him any further than you could throw him at the moment.  He has a lot of work to do and he cannot do it alone, he needs help.  Basically he should start kissing your tush from now on, and you should simply let him.  BUT....only once he begins to prove himself.  And I'd also suggest you join him in counseling and have an agreement with the therapist that anything said separately can be repeated to either of you, too.  No detail is too small right about now. 

 

Pages