first year affair need advice PLEASE

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2013
first year affair need advice PLEASE
13
Fri, 03-08-2013 - 5:51pm

I have been together with my husband for 5 years married for less then one. We have had a great relationship up till recently. I had a son from a previous relationship which he was always amazing with. Everyone in my life thought we were perfect together. He has treated me so good, and I thought in my heart we could last forever based off the great relationship we have had and that we have been friends for so long. Within the last two years we got engaged and then pregnant all in the same year. It took a tole on our relationship as most children do in the first year and to add the first year of marriage we have been bumping heads so much. We had poor communication and just could not see eye to eye. I just thought it was typical and that we would get through it, but then all hell broke loose. 

About 3 months back he shut down on me. He said he had been uphappy lately and felt like he couldnt feel his love for me. I was kissing his ass trying to read books and be a better wife. I tried to put all my issues aside and let him have his time alone. Well things just kept getting more weird and he was making no progress so by the end of the month I started checked our phone records and sure enough he was talking to another woman from pretty much the exact time he shut down. I put all his stuff by the door and told him to go to his moms. He has been living there for 2 months now. 

The first month he was out he was a complete ass to me. I asked him if we should get a divorce or if he wanted to try and figure it out. He was completely shut off still and wouldnt just tell me it was over. I finally had enough and told him I was getting a divorce. 3 days later he says is it to late to go to counseling that he wants to try and work on it. He then started opening up, he told me he stopped talking to her and that he wanted to work on us. He told me that since I kicked him out that they had slept together twice. I am sure it is more but whatever. So he then starts counseling had been going for 3 weeks now alone. I refuse to spend time with him because he continues to go to the bar on the weekend which obviously if he is really working on this he would do whatever it took to get me back. I am fed up with his actions. I told him if he is not going to fully commit to working it out with me and doing what needs to be done to try to rebuild trust then I am getting a divorse. He says he doesnt want to sit at his moms on the weekend and do nothing. He wants to spend time with us but I dont know how to let him when I am so angry at him and he has done nothing but once a week counseling up to now. I dont feel like he is going to change but I am still holding on to my family and the possiblity. I dont know if I try and move forward and lay some ground rules or if I just get out now. 

During this time I also found out from one of his friends wifes that early on while we were dating and he was working on the road in Vegas of all places he was drunk at the pool when they went to visit and was making out with a random girl but he passed out at the pool. She also heard that when I was pregnant he went to a wedding without me cause I was too pregnant and was once again wasted trying to pursue a woman. 

Can people change? Do I try to work it out for my kids? I now have two kids with two dads and really dont want to be that woman. I love my husband and thought we had a good relationship but I think he maybe to selfish and immature to do what is needed to fix this. I feel like it will happen again, but doesnt everyone? Did any of you try to rebuild not living together? 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2013
Sat, 03-09-2013 - 10:56pm

I agree he is super selfish, aren't all these men/woman who choose this way to deal with there issues at home. He defenitely shut down on me he has always been the type of guy who is super positive and happy and wants life to be fun and easy so when problems arose he never expressed how he was feeling and this other woman asked him how he was doing and showed him attention (she is super attractive and he new here from his past) on Facebook and he proceded to talk with her about our issues. He is not very good at being sneaky or I have one hell of an intuition figuring it out in one months time. He denied and still does, that anything happend but talking while we were together, it was once I kicked him out and he thought we were done that he hung out with her. That went on for the first month he was out. But I could feel his BS so until I said I was getting a divorce then he freaked out. Or didn't freak out but said he wanted to go to counseling and work on it. My intuition then told me that he was really not talking to her. I could feel it some how and still dont think he is. 

I think he is the type of person who runs from his issues and again wants life to be easy so drinking his problems away seems to numb the pain, and yes he then does not think logically. I wonder if going to a counselor can help him see the issues that he has? I feel like he wants this life and to work on this and I do feel like he loves me, but I feel like he grew up around drinking cheating and its why it is happening.

He is such a gentelman and is so helpful and loving and would do anyhting for anyone, which is why I never saw this selfish side of him till lately. Obviously now I think otherwise.

I do think I would be totally ok with out him. I am a strong independent woman I am attractive and a hard worker I pretty much gave him everything he has. That may sound selfish but we met young (24) we were both going to the bars a lot I had my shit together and he didn't so when we got together he did everything he could to get me and he did I feel like he changed for me cause he wanted this life, but when things got hard he resorted back to the loser he was. Im not by any means afraid to be alone its just that I have two kids I still love him we have a good foundation, a good friendship and have a lot of the same goals and intrests, and I am scared to invest 5 or so years into someone else and this be the outcome again. 

I know I need to get tested I asked him to go too now that we are 100 percent both committed to working on it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sun, 03-10-2013 - 2:02pm

Well you said yourself "I don't think he's going to change" and I'd probably have to agree with that. Oh he may change for a while to get back into your good graces, but he will most likely revert back to his old ways when problems arise in your marriage again, UNLESS he finds constructive ways to deal with them that don't include chasing other women, drinking, and smoking weed. YOU cannot change him. The only thing that will change him is himself and deciding he wants to make a true commitment to marriage and family and giving up his bad habits. Can he really change his ways and become a familty man? Only time will tell and it depends on how much time you are willing to give him.  Good Luck

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Mon, 03-11-2013 - 9:33am

firstyearaffair wrote:
<p>No everything was out in the open with having a baby, we both wanted one we had many conversations regarding it, but we were not yet married. I only questioned it because I wanted people to know that we were getting married because we wanted to, not because of the baby. He proposed before I got pregnant. I was going to get back on birth control when he proposed so I wasnt a pregnant bride but of course the month after he proposed I got pregnant. The only thing he said about getting pregnant, was that he didnt even think he could have a baby (like his sperm were ruined from all the weed he has smoked). </p><p>I agree with saving it for the couples counseling but what suggestions could you give me in regaurds to us not living together and me trusting him. I feel like we need some ground rules. He agreed to not going to the bar anymore and I agreed to spend time with him on the weekends, but I still dont know if he really goes home after. I feel like my gut is telling me he is, but do I just wait till I here so and so saw him out? I feel like I am just waiting for something bad to happen which prevents me from being able to move forward. I also am not on our phone records I asked him to put me back on he said yes but then doesnt do it then I am once again the nagging woman. I feel like I want to try and want this to work I just dont know how. Sorry I am just so confused, and look from advise from any place inbetween my counseling apt. My friends understand but at this point think I should just move on, yet I can't seem to do it yet cause I still have hope and still love him and want to save my family.</p>

The thing about trust is either you trust him or you don't.  You don't--that decision has already been made by you, except you dont' want to look it in its face and call it by its name.

 Wanting to see the phone records is you saying "I don't trust you"--and you don't.   Wanting to follow him home from after the weekend is you saying "I don't trust you"--and you don't. 

I"m not saying you dont' have good reason; I'm saying you need to be honest with yourself that you dont' trust him and if you can't trust him, then why waste the time trying to get back together?  You think he's immature, super selfish and impulsive--what do you think getting back together will solve as far as this is concerned?  Right now, the only thing getting back together resolves is your feeling of not "being that woman"--which is based more in controlling what people who don't matter think of you and not what's in your best interests.  Do you really think it's in your best interests to get back with someone who chased after another woman for months while in under the same roof as you and your children, drinks like a fish and smokes like a chimney? Who spends money foolishly and doesn't give any mature thought to the effects of his actions?  Do you really want to play the role of mother to a grown man for the forseeable future? 

 Will you like the person you have to become in order to keep this man under your eye?

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