first year affair need advice PLEASE

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2013
first year affair need advice PLEASE
13
Fri, 03-08-2013 - 5:51pm

I have been together with my husband for 5 years married for less then one. We have had a great relationship up till recently. I had a son from a previous relationship which he was always amazing with. Everyone in my life thought we were perfect together. He has treated me so good, and I thought in my heart we could last forever based off the great relationship we have had and that we have been friends for so long. Within the last two years we got engaged and then pregnant all in the same year. It took a tole on our relationship as most children do in the first year and to add the first year of marriage we have been bumping heads so much. We had poor communication and just could not see eye to eye. I just thought it was typical and that we would get through it, but then all hell broke loose. 

About 3 months back he shut down on me. He said he had been uphappy lately and felt like he couldnt feel his love for me. I was kissing his ass trying to read books and be a better wife. I tried to put all my issues aside and let him have his time alone. Well things just kept getting more weird and he was making no progress so by the end of the month I started checked our phone records and sure enough he was talking to another woman from pretty much the exact time he shut down. I put all his stuff by the door and told him to go to his moms. He has been living there for 2 months now. 

The first month he was out he was a complete ass to me. I asked him if we should get a divorce or if he wanted to try and figure it out. He was completely shut off still and wouldnt just tell me it was over. I finally had enough and told him I was getting a divorce. 3 days later he says is it to late to go to counseling that he wants to try and work on it. He then started opening up, he told me he stopped talking to her and that he wanted to work on us. He told me that since I kicked him out that they had slept together twice. I am sure it is more but whatever. So he then starts counseling had been going for 3 weeks now alone. I refuse to spend time with him because he continues to go to the bar on the weekend which obviously if he is really working on this he would do whatever it took to get me back. I am fed up with his actions. I told him if he is not going to fully commit to working it out with me and doing what needs to be done to try to rebuild trust then I am getting a divorse. He says he doesnt want to sit at his moms on the weekend and do nothing. He wants to spend time with us but I dont know how to let him when I am so angry at him and he has done nothing but once a week counseling up to now. I dont feel like he is going to change but I am still holding on to my family and the possiblity. I dont know if I try and move forward and lay some ground rules or if I just get out now. 

During this time I also found out from one of his friends wifes that early on while we were dating and he was working on the road in Vegas of all places he was drunk at the pool when they went to visit and was making out with a random girl but he passed out at the pool. She also heard that when I was pregnant he went to a wedding without me cause I was too pregnant and was once again wasted trying to pursue a woman. 

Can people change? Do I try to work it out for my kids? I now have two kids with two dads and really dont want to be that woman. I love my husband and thought we had a good relationship but I think he maybe to selfish and immature to do what is needed to fix this. I feel like it will happen again, but doesnt everyone? Did any of you try to rebuild not living together? 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2013
Fri, 03-08-2013 - 7:03pm

I would say yes we both wanted a baby he just didn't think it would happen. I told him all the time all the responsiblity a baby brings and how its hard. The lack of sleep, lack of freedom, the arguments that may come with it. I tried to prep him. We are both 29 I just feel like he is extremely immature and likes his free time, and we havent had much since the baby came along. I feel like he started second guessing everything he just committed too because he likes things to be fun and easy and that is not life and marriage, it takes work. I think he is seeing that now.

I just agreed to start spending time with him, he said he would stop going out and would commit to working on this 100 percent. He said we need a starting point and I agreed. I told him I will try and enjoy our time together but if I have questions and want to talk about things I feel like he owes it to me to open up. Is it okay of me to talk about stuff or do you think I should save it for our couples counseling? I am very over powering and he has a hard time opening up so it is hard for us to talk about serious issues cause I get going and he gets quite :) 

Also how to you not question everything they say and if they are being honest? I have a hard time believing almost anything at this point. I wonder if this will just happen again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2010
Fri, 03-08-2013 - 6:44pm

After reading your post I'm wondering if he has a drinking problem. If so then nothing will change for long until that's addressed and corrected, imo. Also, this just sounds complicated and like there's a lot going on here. I would definitely go to marriage counseling and let someone who really knows their stuff help you sort through it once and for all. I think when you've got kids it is most definitely worth giving it a shot. Good luck.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Fri, 03-08-2013 - 6:25pm

What were the circumstances surrounding the second child?  Did your husband want the baby?

That is the only thing I can see from what you've written which turned a "good relationship" into one where you two could not "see eye to eye".

No, you can't have any hope of anything working out if you both aren't committed 100% to working it out.  So you both need to decide if you're each down for the heavy lifting that will be required.  You both have to forgive one another (I did not say forget, turn a blind eye or act like nothing is wrong--let's be clear on that) and stop giving whatever it is that sent you both out into "lousy communication, can't see eye to eye" land so much power over you.

If you don't want to be "that woman", then you both need to do everything you two can to save your marriage and that starts with being completely honest with yourselves as well as each other.

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