Forced To Accept this Woman and Her Child

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2013
Forced To Accept this Woman and Her Child
10
Thu, 04-25-2013 - 11:58am

It’s been a little over a month since D-Day. The day I found out that my husband of almost 5 years and father of my three year old daughter, just might have fathered this 5 month old little girl that this woman contacted me in regards to.

 

Makes your stomach drop, just thinking about it, doesn’t it? If you’ve ever discovered that your husband, the one you have given your everything to, built a life for and around, fathered another woman’s child, you know what I mean. That child that was supposed to be my second child, his sperm was supposed to create only for me! I felt so robbed of my future. How could he do this to me? His wife, ten years younger than himself at the age of 22, wasn’t worthy enough to be thought about during an extramarital affair with a woman at the age of almost forty, and being 100lbs bigger than I, to even stop and think about birth control? I was so shocked to discover that the man I devoted my everything to had such lack of control. Buh.

Now that I’ve put my drowning emotions aside and have taken the forgiveness, reconciliation, and rebuilding path, I am having trouble accepting the fact that this other woman is going to be in my life for quite some time. I know I need to forgive her, but in all honesty, I feel like I am just trying to accept her and this child into my life to “show” her that she is not worth a failed marriage, that she is not worth what she says she is to him. We had a few confrontations, where she popped off all sorts of lies about him having 9-10 orgasms per day by her, etc. She also decided to call us all sorts of names, like loser parents, white trash, etc. I love children, I feel I could love her child greatly—I already love his other child from a previous relationship. She is as innocent as I am, how could I not love her? But this woman is not. She knew my husband was mine. She knew us. She even confessed to me that she pursued him to great and desperate extent (I know my husband isn’t innocent either, please don’t bash me for being “blind”, I am not and know very well who is the one who should be held responsible for this act). I just don’t know how I could ever truly forgive her, rather than only wanting to flaunt that “I won” (even though there was really no competition, he ended the affair before she told him about the pregnancy and there was no doubt that he struggled with this guilt for quite some time). I need help on reasons why I should forgive this woman, in order to live my life happily with my “new” family.

 

Thank you for all opinions, thoughts, and concerns.

 

-LS, ForcedToAccept

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Thu, 04-25-2013 - 1:30pm

Are you 100% that this is indeed your husband's child?  Did he run a paternity test?

You don't have to accept any of that.  Divorce is always an option.  People often say they want to stay in a marriage for the sake of the child, but in this case, do you really want to expose your daughter to such ugly scenario and send her a message that as a woman, you are not empowered, but are "forced to accept" your husband's stupid mistakes?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2012
Thu, 04-25-2013 - 1:46pm
You don't have to forgive her at all, but you can accept what happened and try to move on. You should cut off all contact with her, let your husband deal with her, and that should even be very limited. Has he taken a paternity test? Have you seen a lawyer to set up custody? I don't think this is a situation I'd be willing to forgive, but we all have to make our own decisions. Are you sure you aren't staying with your husband to show her up?
Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Thu, 04-25-2013 - 2:03pm

I need help on reasons why I should forgive this woman, in order to live my life happily with my “new” family.

The biggest reason to forgive anyone is that if you don't, your anger & resentment will hurt you far worse than anyone else. There are religious reasons too, obviously, but this is the most immediate reason to do so.  The more it festers, the more it will twist you into a person you don't want to be.

I think you are expecting a bit too much of yourself after only one month. It's one thing to discover an affair, which some people can manage to put in the past.  It's another to discover that there is another child, which will always be present in your lives - IF this is indeed your H's child, and if you decide to stay married. If this is indeed your H's child, she is a complete, permanent, ongoing change in your life.  I don't think you should so lightly expect to be able to move forward without processing it more.

I think you are *trying* to take the high road, but you aren't there yet.  If you have one very close friend to vent to, ask if they are willing to hear your anger over this situation; if not, get a therapist.  However you will heal faster if you stop trying to keep score and make comparisons.  Frankly it doesn't matter how old she is or how much she weighs, something about her was attractive to your H (and he must be closer in age to her too).  You do need to get over the idea that you are somehow better than her because you are younger & prettier - it is only going to cause negativity in your own heart.  Your very youth may in this case be an obstacle to your getting to a working pattern for your life - if you've been married for 5 years, then you were younger than two of my children when you married.  They are very mature people but in no way ready to be married, let alone to someone 10 years older than them.  One is in college, one is about to go to college - neither knows enough about themselves as an individuated human being to commit themselves to another person for the rest of their lives yet.

And, with all due respect for the sanctity of marriage, you married at 17 or 18 to someone who already had one child.  He's strayed already in a short span of time with a person who seems to have a disturbing lack of character (not just the affair, but her behavior afterward).  You may need to ask yourself if your H is a person really worth dedicating the rest of your life to - something you need to evaluate without wanting the oneupsmanship of "You couldn't ruin my marriage," but really as unemotionally as possible.  How much do you want to be married to someone who has three different children with three different women?

Which brings me to another thing.  You said your H "just might have" a child - when will you have proof that he did or he didn't? 

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Thu, 04-25-2013 - 2:08pm

The reason is that forgiving releases you from the emotional prison in which you currently find yourself. It stops you from spiraling down, stressing out to the point where your body rebels in disease, obsessing about events that you cannot change.  It frees you from this woman holding sway over your emotions, self worth, value and esteem.  It gives you back that ground under your feet that this whole situation snatched out from under you.

It does not mean that you are ok with her and what she has done.  She has got her own demons she needs to wrestle with over her behavior; but her fight with them need not include you and forgiving her excludes you from her fight.

How do you do it?  You do it and you remind yourself how often you need to that you have forgiven the wretch--and remembering that instantly lightens you.

Most of all, God commands us all to forgive those who trespass against us.

And reread Mahopac's message---excellent insight and advice in it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2010
Fri, 04-26-2013 - 11:28am
I just want to give you a hug. You are very young. You really don't have to accept this woman or her child in your life and you don't have to stay M. Your DH did the unthinkable. Not only did he cheat, he created a life with another woman. IMHO that is just too much. We are five years from my DH's A and we are doing very well but I know that I could have NEVER reconciled if a child had been produced from his A. That child is a constant reminder of what they did. The woman obviously has no morals and no self esteem so she really isn't worth wasting any kind of emotion on her. She is a looser who doesn't value herself or M. I know your DH is guilty as well. You are so young and your DH is significantly older. I just think that spending your life having to have such an awful person in your life like the XOW forever is just too much. I would send him packing and let him have her. She is not a good person and she will make your life miserable. Let him deal with the psycho. And so what if he had 9 or 10 orgasms each time. If that is all that she can give him and all that she can brag about that is sad indeed. It really isn't a competition where you won anything. He should have stayed faithful in the first place and you shouldn't have to compete with anyone for your DH. Thinking of it as an "I won" situation is not clear thinking and eventually will drag you down.
Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Fri, 04-26-2013 - 3:54pm

 You do not have to forgive her at all.  i would demand a paternity test.  If it is not his why bother?  One point is the H is not "yours" he belongs to himself.  English has no words but possesives and that clouds the issue. You do not have to accept the child either. 

dragowoman

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Sat, 04-27-2013 - 12:08pm

To not forgive is to condemn yourself to bitterness, resentment and having those rule over your feelings, emotions and psyche, which in turn will turn you into someone you won't recognize.  It will never affect anyone else if you don't forgive--it only affects you and eventually, the stress from not forgiving will take a toll on your health.  Others will stop dealing with you and start pitying you with a "tsk tsk, poor thing", while they go on about their happy lives and leave you stuck in your misery.

To be clear: forgiving does not mean forgetting.  No one is saying "don't forget".

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Thu, 05-02-2013 - 2:26am
I have to agree with Demontespan. You are not being "forced' to accept this; you are choosing to do so. As another poster said, do you truly want to be in a relationship with someone who has kids by 3 different mothers? If this child is indeed your H's and you chose to stay and accept this, the kid's mother will be in your life forever. I'm sorry but he obviously had no regard for your daughter, let alone you, when he had this A and may have produced a child. Demontespan hit it dead on when she said 'ugly scenario'. You will be exposing her to years of the backlash from your H's A when the BabyMama comes overwith rants and raves and demands and threats of court, child support, visitation,etc. Yes, we are supposed to forgive but no where does the Bible say we are to stay in a situation (adultery)that is damaging to so many people.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2010
Fri, 05-03-2013 - 12:52pm
You are not forced to accept ANYTHING. Like another poster commented, you accept this because you choose to. No1 is puting a gun to your head and making you stay. You were betrayed and for that I'm sorry but don't continue being a victim. Decide long and hard if saving your marriage and all that it comes with is what you want to do. This may not be an over night thing and you will need time to think things over. Just know that if you take your H back, you have to take everything that comes with it....the child and all that. Is this something you want to subject yourself to? If you forgive him than it has to be done 100%. I know your hurting and I hope your wounds heal soon. Wishing you all the best.

 


Much peace & Love,


Rayne


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2008
Tue, 06-18-2013 - 3:42pm

I hate that someone else has to go through something similar as I am. But in my case, the other woman lives in Michagan and I live in Florida, so, we have never met and I have never met the child, neither has my husband. My husband cheated on me while deployed to Iraq 3 years ago. All the woman wanted was a way out of her job and to sit on her butt and collect child support and welfare. As long as she gets paid, we will never hear from her and I will never have to see the child. You do not have to be forced into doing anything you do not want to do. It's been 2 years since I found out about my situation and I have yet to forgive him. I sure as heck will never forgive her and could care less about the child they carelessly created together. I know I should forgive my husband, but cannot bring myself to do it. People are right in saying it will fester inside you. It has me. I am glad you have found a way to forgive him. I feel like if I forgive, it lets my husband off the hook, you know? It makes him feel like he got away with something. I have allowed him to be apart of our childrens' lives over the past 2 years. I have chosen to stay for the sake of our two girls. It has now come to the point where I really do not know if I can continue to stay for the sake of the girls because the anger inside me over this is getting to me and affecting me. I do not like how I feel and who I have become. But I see in your case, you will be faced with seeing her and the child. It's best to have as little contact with her as possible. For a 40 year old woman, she does not sound very mature at all. I wish you the best and hope you and your husband can overcome this. For me, you have already done the greatest thing by forgiving him.  I cannot even get to that point!