Found out 2 weeks ago....

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2009
Found out 2 weeks ago....
7
Tue, 07-28-2009 - 8:16pm

I just found out 2 weeks ago that my husband had a 6 month affair.

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Wed, 07-29-2009 - 4:49am

This is a tough time. You have to make hard choices at a time when you are at your worst. Sounds like your spouse is talking to you. Get some help, I could not do this on my own when I was two weeks out. I read books, got therapy and came to this board. I'm almost a year out from D day and It's still hard. But it gets better every week.

Keep posting.

Thomas

5 kids ages 15-9, D Day: August 5, 2008

Status: Figuring it out. Together.

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 07-29-2009 - 8:14am

Welcome to the board.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2009
Wed, 07-29-2009 - 9:41am

Thank you so much for your response.

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Thu, 07-30-2009 - 7:45am

"My H has actually been reading the book too and he never reads. I truly believe that he does want to be a better person, I am just really struggling with getting over that he was ever with another W. I hate the thought of it and I'm afraid that I might be jumping back into the relationship too soon just to get push all of those thoughts to the back of my mind."

Just so you know, My spouse took several months before she would read any of the books that I purchased. I would have given my right arm to have her read them and in the end, that almost became a last straw that she read them. When we read "Getting Past the Affair" together, we both were just shocked as to how the other person felt and it was really a healing thing between us. The fact that he is being proactive is really a good sign. You are very lucky.

Best wishes.

Thomas

5 kids ages 15-9, D Day: August 5, 2008

Status: Figuring it out. Together.

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2009
Thu, 07-30-2009 - 10:23am
It is such a relief to hear that another couple
Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Thu, 07-30-2009 - 11:51am

Well, Sounds like you have a better start than I had. There is a lot to digest over the next several months. And you can only absorb one concept at a time. Just remember that he's just as messed up over this as you are. And that he's not the only one who has stuff to change. It often takes six months to a year for the BS to move from the "being hurt" role to "owning their own issues" in the marriage role. This is not to say that the affair was your fault. He had a million other choices to self medicate his issues and he chose the worst one. But it takes a 100% effort from both sides to make a great marriage. Two whole people make one great marriage. You can only work on you, he gets to work on him.

But more importantly, becoming a whole person is attractive. That's sort of what the 180 list is about. Solving problems on several layers, all at the same time. You can do this, you are not crazy. I remember that moment when all I could do is just breath. If I could just suck in air for just a little longer, I was assured that things would get better. And they did. I remember the time when I didn't feel those feelings in my guts for a whole week. Or the first day I didn't cry. It happens and things will get better.

Just take one breath, and one step at a time.

keep posting, we are here for you.

Thomas

5 kids ages 15-9, D Day: August 5, 2008

Status: Figuring it out. Together.

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2009
Thu, 07-30-2009 - 3:37pm
I'm so sorry that you are here at all but like it was mentioned we all pretty much understand the range of emotions that you are feeling.