Found out 2 weeks ago

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2013
Found out 2 weeks ago
6
Sun, 07-28-2013 - 10:50am

Hi Everyone, after 13 years of marriage two weeks ago I found out dh joined a anonamous site to meet up and have sex.

He was on the site about a month before he 'met' her online, they emailed and texted for a week.  (Pics too). We were on vacation the next few weeks, then when we came back it resumed. One night late he made some lame excuse about going out to get gas and 45 mins. Later I texted him if he was ok.  He was home shortly after.

The next night he confessed. Apparently after 5-10 minutes he was freaked out (petting happened but not actual sex) and left. After her told me he texted her one final time and told her he told me. Names were not exchanged, he knows nothing about her.

The short of it is that we're seeing a counselor.  I am still grieving, feeling duped, and extremely angry. 

He is extremely remorseful and we're trying to work it out as I know it's a symptom.   

Just wanted to join for some support and advice. Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008
Sun, 07-28-2013 - 2:05pm

just a word of warning my husband "confessed"  it took years to find out the real truth which included another women (there were 2) and a dozen or so encounters with her and finding out he gave false informaiton on the first as the details

please do not be under the assumption that since he confessed he is telling you the truth and all of it (many on this site wish their husband confessed but it does not mean all it should in my experience)

peace & strength to you

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Mon, 07-29-2013 - 3:16am

  I am not surprised.  But spend 48 hours to get the poisonous feelings out of your system.  Much of what you feel is cultural and conditioned responses.  I have been on all sides of these issues and find that a lot of people have no idea of what they want or can handle.  In many of the cases it stem from our culture which puts the relationship as low on the priorities.  Men surprisingly take this harder than women.  Women are allowed more in the way of emotional expression. 

    It sounds like he had a fantasy relationship that became too real for him to handle.  It is not about you but about him.  These are things that people have to figure out for themselves.  There does come a time when we all must ask ourselves questions we ignored or ran away from.  There is no right or wrong just what is.  Right now he is in a vulnerable weak state be very careful.  If this counselor is the type that beats down and put a guilt trip then that person is poison.  Nothing is greater than the image and desires we have in our head.  It is about reaching the truth of who we are. 

dragowoman

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Mon, 07-29-2013 - 6:38pm

Hi Stormy, I see you are also new to iVillage.  Sorry it is under these circumstances, but welcome.

Glad you are going to see a counselor.  There are different schools of thought on how much should be revealed.  Some say everything, some say once you know there has been betrayal, more details just cause more pain.  I tend to lean towards the later.

I hope you stick around and also take note that below is a section for rebuilding after betrayal.  Another poster made a good observation, that your DH probably took something that was a fantasy and quickly realized he couldn't follow through.  It is true, there may be more to the story, but it is possible that there isn't and he is telling you the truth.

Good luck and I hope you keep posting.  We have lost some board definitions, so if someone comes here to debate with you, just ignore and remind them this is a support board, not a debate board. 

Hang in there...

Serenity CL making a second marriage work

 

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2013
Thu, 08-01-2013 - 9:47am

I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through.  I am glad to hear that you are both in counseling together.  While I'm probably not the best person to give advice on how to fix a marriage, I can say that the pain and anger does get a little less over time.  It's been almost three months since I discovered my wife's affair.  She had met up with an old flame online and then finally made the decision to travel out of town for a weekend to be with him.  I confronted her about three weeks after I discovered the affair.  Over the past couple months, we've been working on things, but so far she is unwilling to do marriage counseling and she is unwilling to end her online contact with the other man.

While my marriage is not where I want it to be, and from how it feels right now, probably won't be heading that direction anytime soon, I can say things do get a little easier with time.  I started working on myself, and will continue to do so when the time comes that my wife is ready to work on our marriage together.  I have found that I can get through the day again.  However, there are still waves of pain that come over me from time to time.

Hang in there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Sun, 09-08-2013 - 3:09am

I totally agree. My exH, who I divorced in  2008 for his adultery, denied he ever had an affair with the woman and continued denying it until this year, 2013.  They lie, lie and then for good measure, lie some more.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Sun, 09-08-2013 - 3:09am

I totally agree. My exH, who I divorced in  2008 for his adultery, denied he ever had an affair with the woman and continued denying it until this year, 2013.  They lie, lie and then for good measure, lie some more.