found out last night

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2009
found out last night
9
Thu, 06-04-2009 - 10:49am
So I'm not married, but i need people to talk to and found this site. I've been cheated on before and it was so devastating. i never imagined having to go through it again.
i just found out last night that my boyfriend cheated on me about two weeks ago with an ex. i had absolutely no idea this was coming. i never thought this was something he would do. he would always reassure me that he loved me and wanted to be together and if the relationship ever ended it would be me kicking him out because he never wanted to leave me...then this. He said he did actually sleep with her, but came pretty close before they were interrupted, so in other words he would have.
when i asked him why he almost started crying and said he didn't want to tell me why. i told him i deserved that much. and what he told me hurt more then anything i could have imagined hearing. he said that he loves me with all his heart but isn't physically attracted to me anymore. we moved about a year ago and i know I've put on weight, alot of weight, maybe 50lbs. we don't have any full length mirrors so I've been in denial. and he always told me how sexy i was and that he loved my body. well apparently he was trying to convince himself.
we decided to try and work it out. he said he just misses my body but loves who i am otherwise. so i figured I'll go on a hardcore diet, i know i need it, i just didn't realize how bad i need it.
i know it sounds stupid, but i really believe he loves me. he said he wants to support me through my weight loss and be there for me. but i can't help but i feel disgusting in my own skin around him. i cant do this alone, but i don't want anyone around me to know about it.
i just need support for somebody, anybody please. I've never hurt this much in my life. please help me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2008
Thu, 06-04-2009 - 11:54am

Honey, YOu sound very young and inexperienced. So I am going to write to you like I would tell my own daughter who is probably very close to your age.


He is using your weight as an excuse. He is manipulating you into believing this is your fault.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Thu, 06-04-2009 - 12:27pm
I agree that he is using your weight gain as an excuse for having an affair. Think about it, would you go out and sleep with another guy if he put on weight. So what happens if you get married and have a couple of kids and you don't lose the baby weight very easily? Does that give him a pass to go cheat on you?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2009
Thu, 06-04-2009 - 1:46pm
i know that people bounce back from affairs, and that its possible to work things out. he said he wants to work things out. and we do have a child together, a four year old son. we have a life together. i feel so stupid right now. but i really want to try and give us another chance. is it really that stupid to forgive him and work on things? i don't want to not have him in my life....
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2008
Thu, 06-04-2009 - 2:48pm

NO it'

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 06-04-2009 - 3:16pm

It is absolutely NOT stupid to want to work this out. The mistake you are making is accepting total responsibility for his choice. Face it, if you were Angelina Jolie, he would have said that he was no longer attracted to you because your lips were too puffy. If they want to cheat, they WILL find an excuse.

The point the other posters were making was that this whole thing illustrates how immature he is. Even if he was right, he found that he was no longer attracted to you, there are about 20 other ways of dealing with it that I can think of right off the top of my head. The first one would be to talk to you about it, the next would be to support you in taking care of yourself and loosing weight, another would be to examine my own issues regarding weight and what makes a person beautiful and if I was so shallow that 50lbs would be a deal breaker for me, and is you would change and he couldn't change how he felt, the last option would be to leave you in order to pursue other relationships rather than put you through the hell of an A. How he chose to deal with it was on the high school level and incredibly selfish (I know that was redundant). You can loose all the weight you want, but that does not make him grow up and if he does not grow up, this will happen again and he will find another lame excuse that will put all the blame on you.

So, yes, loose the weight because it will make you feel powerful and in control. You will know that you don't need him in order to live a good life. While you put in all that effort to change how you look and ultimately how you feel about yourself, he needs to work just as hard on growing up.

He also need consequences. Here are a few I would insist on.

1. He has no more contact with his X and how he informs her will be approved of and witnessed by you. No explanation needed.

2. He is an open book. This means he always answers his phone, you have access to all of his email accounts and other accounts such as facebook, and you know where he is all the time.

3. No partying, nights out or trips without you. Boys night out? Too bad, he lost the privilege when he showed you he could not be trusted out alone. Weekend fishing trip? Riiight, sure, he can go if he doesn't mind you and your son tagging along.

The big mistake many of us make when we first find out is to fix it ourselves. We do all we can and assume the WS is on board with it. We take responsibility because that is what we do. But most WS are still thinking selfishly and don't appreciate the devastation they have visited upon the BS. So, they let us do all the work. They get away with it and either continue the A, or start a new one.

Avoid this mistake and give him some serious consequences. If he wants out of your R, it is better to know that now rather than suffering through the torture of a second Dday. If he is not willing to put in the work to show you he can be trusted while suffering through your mistrust, and if he is not willing to look deeper to figure out why he thought that it was okay to screw another woman because his W was too fat for his tastes, you know he isn't worth any more of your time.

Don't fix this for him. You do him no favors by protecting him from the consequences of his own bad choices.

BTW, many of us here have worked it out with our H's and most of us swore before we went through it that we would kick any man to the curb if they cheated on us. We know differently now. We also know the mistakes we made and the biggest is the one you are making now by taking responsibility for something that was totally out of your control. Take responsibility for being healthy and for the problems in your R, but don't take responsibility for his choices.

He is showing you something about himself here, don't overlook that. Learn from it. He is showing you that he is capable of doing something he knows would hurt you and then blaming that on you. What does that mean for the other parts of your R? What does this mean for the future?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2009
Thu, 06-04-2009 - 4:41pm
it feels really really good to know its not stupid to want o try. and you're right, i can't blame myself. that's easier said then believed, but that's something i need to work on. and you're right, he needs to make changes too, thats only fair. because he certainly isnt perfect! i was sitting in the room when he called his ex and told her it was over and that him and i were working it out. that felt good. its just going to take a while for me to really believe it. its also good to know that other people have been through this and worked it out, my ultimate goal is to work things out. but you're right i can't fix it on my own, he needs to do his part. i have to work really hard to take the blame off myself. its just hard because i've been cheated on before. but having the support i've already gotten today makes me believe i can get through this, because i'm not alone. thank you so so much
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2008
Thu, 06-04-2009 - 7:04pm

If you have any of the posts from US ......older women..you will know that many have been through multiple DDAYS. MAny are sooo scared from the damage their WS'a have and continue to cause. I am 55 years old been married 31 years and have been through THREE ddays. I don't want this for you. If you cant' get him inline theor are others who will cherish you!


S

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2009
Fri, 06-05-2009 - 8:36am

ita


and let's play devil's advocate and say your weight gain did turn him off physically - then you do NOT need this loser.


we're supposed to love our partners for WHO they are .. not what they look like.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2007
Wed, 06-10-2009 - 10:59pm

What an ass. I know you love him but love yourself more. Your weight had nothing to do with him cheating. He has issues and if he doesnt address them he will cheat on you again. You deserve better. I believe every one is worthy of redemption but dont believe the words comin out of his mouth, watch his behavior. Please know that you are worthy of love and there are men out there that wont cheat on you. Be blessed.

If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it!
If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it!