Found out yesterday about EA, what to do now?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2005
Found out yesterday about EA, what to do now?
9
Mon, 01-24-2011 - 1:45am

So yesterday I found out My DH has been having an EA with a co-worker for about a month. We have been together for 6 years and married for three. We just had our second baby 2 months ago!! There were over 1700 text messages on our account. I had a gut feeling that something wasn't right, and DH had gotten a new phone a couple of days ago and I asked to see it under the guise of I wanted to see what it did. Well he deleted something on the phone right before he handed it to me and was very concerned with me having it so I knew it was confirming my worst fears. I work midnights (and have been back to work for 1 month). So as soon as I got to work I looked at our cell phone bill and found all the texts. I immediately called him and confronted him. He admitted it and said he needed someone to talk to and feels like I am not available to him and haven't been in years. We have not had a sexually intimate relationship in 4 years! Our new baby was a one time drunken night that I had to practically beg for sex. He says he is not attracted to me because i have put on weight since having my first child and now even more with having the second child. I am devestated. He told me he wants to work on our marriage, that he doesn't want it to end. We are going to go to marriage therapy. My concern is that he told me he ended it with OW this morning via text. I have looked at our cell statement and their have been no other texts since he told me he ended it. However, he is still holding onto his cell phone for dear life, when he used to leave it laying around all the time. He has also changed all of his email passwords as of last night. I did admit to him that after seeing all the texts I immediately went to email.. didn't really find anything but still.... How can I make him understand that I need to have access to these things to start rebuilding trust? Is it wrong of me to demand this? How can i ever be comfortable with him going to work again since he works with this girl? How do I get my self esteem back? How can I live with someone who is not attracted to me and who I don't have a sexual relationship with? How can I help my children and how do I start putting my needs first? I am so confused, angry, and sad I don't know what to do with myself. He keeps saying " I don't understand how you could be so upset about just texts" he doesn't understand it's about the betrayal.

Lilypie Maternity tickers

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Tue, 02-01-2011 - 12:20am

Since I could see no "reply" box on the original post, I'll write here.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Fri, 01-28-2011 - 6:46pm

That's the very reason I did not insist on having access to my gf's email after I discovered her betrayal.

However, she did offer access to her email and was very willing to do anything and

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Wed, 01-26-2011 - 12:46pm
If you really want to know you could install a key logger on a shared computer. Thing is IF you do get his passwords he could just stop using that account (If he is still talking to her via e mail) and get a new secret e mail account or use a work account (like mine did) that you have no access to.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Wed, 01-26-2011 - 12:18pm

Hugs!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2005
Wed, 01-26-2011 - 7:43am

Hello,

Thank you for all the replies. I feel so completely wrecked right now. One minute I am fine, the next I am crying my eyes out, next I am so full of rage I could kill him. He says he wants to work on it, says he "will do his best" but it really doesn't seem like he is as motivated as I am. There have been lots of times over the last few days when I have just wanted to say... lets just forget the whole thing. I can't do that yet. My kids are my motivation for trying, they won't be the reason we stay together but they are my motivation. I check our cell phone bill everyday to make sure there are no more text messages and there haven't been. There is no way he can get another job he is a resident and the OW is a nurse in the ICU. So this morning he goes to work and has full access to her, and there is nothing i can do but wonder what they are doing. I hate this. I still have no access to his email. I looked at his history and his activity on his gmail account seems to be increased from what it previously was. I have not told him I want full access yet. I thought it would be a better idea to wait until our counseling session tomorrow to see what the therapist has to say about it. Do you think I should do some sort of password hacking to get the password? Or is that totally wrong. I would be hoping that the email would make me feel better if I could look and see nothing is there.. but of course my worst fear is that there is in fact more betrayal.. which would most certainly end our marriage since I would no that he doesn't want to work on it and that I cannot trust him. I just don't know what to do or how to do it. I would not wish this on my worst enemy.

Lilypie Maternity tickers

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2011
Tue, 01-25-2011 - 6:20pm

all your feelings are valid and it is going to take time. Your husband is going to lie a lot right now , and it is going to be up to you to find out the truth. Just feel what you need to feel right now. cry, or do whatever you need to do. I feel your pain, and I am so sorry......
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2001
Mon, 01-24-2011 - 8:02pm
He needs to give you full access to his stuff but sometimes these cheaters go "underground' to keep the thrill alive. My X started with texts to a co-worker (we all worked together, him and her same dept). I made comments about how I didn't appreciate their "friendship". He made me out to be jealous (you don't want me to have any friends that are women, yaddan yadda). Well, low and behold, I lived 2 yrs with the lies and deceit until it became a full blown A. We are now divorced. Don't let this get out of control and don't let him make you feel it is you. As the PP said, its typical cheater behavior. They deflect them getting busted off on you. My X gave me the "we weren't connecting for a very long time" line. Yeah, I agree but ask for MC instead of cheating. Its all an excuse. You had 2 babies, gave him the greatest gift of all, and he doesn't appreciate it. My X thought I should be "over" the betrayl in a week (and he cheated on me while I was preggo with #2 and while baby was ill in hospital). The cheaters are in a "fog". Snap him back into reality.

As for you,put you first no matter how hard it is. As moms, we always put the kids first so it is hard. Change your hair or get a pedi/mani, whatever is special for you and makes u feel good.

You'll know if he truly wants to work on the M once in MC.

Best of luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Mon, 01-24-2011 - 9:11am

Hugs harbindoc!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Mon, 01-24-2011 - 2:31am

First off you are not being demanding in asking to have total access to his cell phone and e mail accounts. That is the one thing that is highly recommended on these boards (and by marriage counselors) to rebuild trust. IF he is not willing to give you this and has just changed his passwords, that is a sure sign that he is up to no good. If a person has truly ended an affair, they would be more than willing to be an open book to their spouse. And if you and your H have not been sexually intimate for 4 years do you believe he has been faithful to you all that time? As far as what he said about the texts. He knows darn well he's not suppose to be texting another woman that much and that it's inappropriate behavior for a MM, but he is trying to minimize what he is doing by making you look like you are the one being the crazy jealous wife who's making a mountain out of a molehill (very common behavior for a cheater) He wants to make this look like this is your problem because of your insecurities. DO NOT LET HIM DO ANY OF THIS TO YOU. This is all typical behavior of a cheater that's been caught and is just trying to cover his butt and trying to turn this all around on you. Honestly, there is no way you will be comfortable with him working with her either. Most counselors would recommend he change jobs. And from the way this looks now with him changing passwords and still being attached to his phone, it doesn't look like he has any intention of ending what's going on with her. Your best bet at this point would be some intensive marriage counseling.