Getting the awful urge to call XBF :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2007
Getting the awful urge to call XBF :(
6
Fri, 01-17-2014 - 10:44am

As you know BF went for his biopsy follow up yesterday afternoon…I know cause his company is near the hospital and I noticed he left work early yesterday.  Today he is not at work. It is killing me because I want to call him/text him to see if he is ok; and I know I cannot do that as he will suck me back into his lying/shady/drama life.

On another note; I was supposed to go out Steve, the mutual acquaintance of mine...A little history: His XGF cheated on him sometime over the spring/summer.  They broke up.  He was on match and the few times he hung out with us he told us how he was having a hard time meeting anyone on these websites (But XBF wants this life????)

Anyway, he wanted to date me around the time that I was posting “Photos to Gmail” where I thought XBF might be doing something shady, but since I didn’t have proof I told Steve that I was in a relationship.  Steve found out what happened and told our friends that he wanted to call me and hang out. 

Anyway, Steve has decided to go back to his XGF and work things out and rebuild with her.  She is begging him back; she claims she is sorry and has promised never to cheat again!!!! Oh well!!!!!  But I still am going on that blind date in a few weeks….

I still have the 180 list in my purse…every time I get the urge to call XBF and ask about his biopsy I look at it and don’t call…Wish me luck!!!!

To GW:  “I hope he is by now thinking "Christy ran my rentals business, she knows all my account numbers and contact numbers. She could ruin me!"  Of course, I know you wouldn't do that, but he doesn't, does he???? Lol”

No, he is not thinking that.  He underestimates me and thinks I am stupid.  I just took his information off of my cell phone contact list as I hate looking at it when I am looking to call others…

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2002
Fri, 01-17-2014 - 8:57pm

Christy I know you really want to find out biopsy results, but they may not be in for a few days, so don't waste a phone call with a question he can't answer.  Is there anyone else you can ask?  Stay strong!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2007
Fri, 01-17-2014 - 10:06pm

Thanks Lisa...he had his biopsy last month and yesterday was the follow up of the biopsy..I am trying to stay strong and for the most part but still have spme bad days...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Fri, 01-17-2014 - 10:36pm

Christy,

 Well, it seems you dodged a potential bullet with Steve.  He's probably a nice guy but IMHO it sounds like he #1 settled for the cheating XGF because he wasn't meeting ppl on match, #2 settled on going back with her because it was easy and familiar, and #3 has some issues if he is willing to settle for a cheater and believes the old 'I'll never do it again story'.  You certainly don't need baggage like that. You deserve better and right now it seems he doesn't have it all together.

You're concerned about the XBF because you are a caring person. BUT....remember, he wasn't very caring towards your feelings and treated you very unfairly. Its fine to hope things turn out okay for him on the biopsy and not to wish him ill will, but stay strong and don't call him!  You said it yourself, he'll suck you back in and back with a cheater is NOT where you want to be.

You don't owe him anything, not even the courtesy of a phone call. I don't mean to sound insensitive because I know neither of us wish him health problems. But anyone who thinks you're stupid, and after all you did for him would potentially cheat on you and tell you there's nothing you can do about it, isn't someone you need to worry about or call.  Stay strong!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2007
Sat, 01-18-2014 - 2:26pm

Thanks GW. It wasn’t really a bad day because of Steve, I have been working a lot and my friends and I were supposed to hang out but have not been able to in a few weeks because of the lousy weather and flu season…Everyone is sick except for me!! WTF????

I am trying to be strong but I do have good and bad days; although the good far outweigh the bad.  Since I know all of XBF’s passwords (He is so stupid he would not know how to change them) I could go into his emails/facebook/Rental website/bank accounts and see what is going on with his health and everything else for that matter; but I have not done so because I don’t think it will be good for my healing…

His sister just posted on facebook how she despises liars..OMG!! I wanted to post “So you despise liars yet you set your brother up on a dating website while he was in a relationship..Interesting...We broke up Jan 4 not Nov 5 you b**&Ch!!!!”  But I know that would open up a whole new case of drama!!!!  They both make me sick!!!!

Still don’t get why he would give up on a long term relationship to hang on a dating website.   I will never ever go back to him, when I see pics of him I want to gag...I guess I will always care for him and I am so pi$$ed as to what he did to me and to my kids...LOSER!!!!!! So right now I am just trying to move on….I read my 180 list three times today!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Sun, 01-19-2014 - 5:05pm

Christy, 

Its the same here with all the flu and strep going around, plus the weather. It makes it hard to get out and boring, which I'm sure makes it even more difficult since you've just went through a breakup. But friends will get better and the weather will, too! I'm glad you aren't sick! :)

XBF's sister is an idiot. Actually, it seems most cheaters LOVE to play the victim. Like a friend told me once about my XH: "The only ppl who are gonna defend him and stand by him are the ones who are/have cheated, too."How right she was! By affirming their friends/relative's  bad behavior, they would have to face their own bad behavior.  Misery loves company. From people I've known and what I've seen oftentimes cheating runs in families. That's not always the case, of course, but it was in my XH's case and several other cheaters that I know. XH's father and brother both did the same thing. I didn't know that when I married him.

I agree that checking on his health via those options wouldn't be good for your healing. The reason he would give up on a long term relationship for the online dating site is because he has a major character flaw. Plus, he still sounds a little narcassistic to me~NOBODY was gonna tell him he couldn't do it, YOU would just have to accept it AND an open relationship and get over it!  That he actually thought you would agree to that and not tell him to hit the road didn't even occur to him. A little full of himself, wasn't he?

Thank God you found out exactly what kind of person he was! I know its hard but really it was blessing in disguise. It hurts now but finding out is saving you sooooooo much heartache down the road. And it may very well be saving your life. Had he started dating and sleeping with other women he met on that site, who knows what he might have contracted and passed on to you??? Plus, its clearing the way for you to meet and fall in love with the person that will treat you as you should be and thats meant for you!

You know you and your kids deserved better than that and you weren't gonna stand for it! I'm proud of you! You're staying strong and doing what's best for you and your kids. That makes you not only a smart person, it makes you a good mother. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2007
Sun, 01-19-2014 - 9:06pm

Thanks GW..I never even thought of the family thing bcut it makes sense now..to think I almost bought a house with him over the summer...I kinda had a setback today (see answer to Lisa) But my friend helped me thru it..<3