Give some advice please

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2009
Give some advice please
21
Thu, 02-19-2009 - 10:07pm

Hi,


I'm a newbee here but I need to get some advice. On jan 26 I found out that my husband of 25 years is having an affair. He was working Mon to Fri in another city and met this woman. It has been going on for about 4 months. He told me. I was in total shock! But I love him and wanted to work it out. He agreed to break it off and work on our marriage. A week later he told me he couldn't take it and moved out. A few days later we met for coffee and again agreed to work on the marriage and moved back in. That was a Fri night. On Tues night he was at the gym and I looked at his e-mails. There were messages from her. He was telling her that he missed her and loved her. Anger, shock, sadness, I can't describe what I felt. When he got home I confronted him and once again he promised to cut off communication and work on our marriage. Tonight I looked through his e-mail again including all his folders. I found the stash of e-mails from her. To his credit he has not communicated with her since the night I confronted him but reading those e-mails and what he said to her and what he told her about me makes me feel like old worn out shoe.


This has been an emotional roller coaster and I don't know how to handle it. Any words of advice would be appreciated.


Thanks

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2006
Fri, 02-20-2009 - 1:04am

First let me tell you that you are not alone in this boat. I am also sailing in this sinking boat. My husband has been cheating on me for 4 years. I just want to tell you that it will never end. I thought it was over the first time I caught him. Now he just expects me to accept it.

Sami Jean

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 02-20-2009 - 8:31am
Welcome to the board - I'm sorry you
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2009
Fri, 02-20-2009 - 9:01am

Katy...I am sorry that you are here. My W had an A with her boss and they both were fired. He was dealing Coke and has dragged my wife into the sewer with him. I have 4 amazing girls that I will move heaven and earth for.


Please listen to the people on this baord, they are truly amazing. I am about 5 weeks when everything came crashing down on me and my family. I told my W to leave our family home. She is now in Detox being treated for additcion to Coke and Booze as well as depression.


Your H needs a major wake up call. MY W did. She came home one day and our bedroom and living sets were gone from the house. I had also packed some of her things in boxes. It was at that point that her little fantasy world fell apart. People that have A live in a fantasy world that is

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2009
Fri, 02-20-2009 - 11:30am

Thanks for the advice. I know you're right but sometimes I feel as if if I stick my head in the sand it will just take care of itself. I know I know this is stupid.


It makes me feel better to know that I am not the only one that is going through this. I have a couple of friends who I talk to but not having felt what I feel it is difficult for them to really help.


He said to me today "The happier you are, the happier I am" What the hell does that mean? I guess I could interpret that as some sort of commitment but doesn't he realize that he's the one who made me unhappy in the first place and he could do a lot more to improve the situation now?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Fri, 02-20-2009 - 12:56pm
By what he said it sounds like he's trying to make things right. Just keep in mind though that he now knows you are reading his e-mail and he could now be deleting any e-mails to her or have opened up a different e-mail account just to communicate with her. I mean it takes less than 5 min. to open up a new e mail account. After I found out about my H last EA, he showed me that he was deleting her phone no., but I quick looked at and wrote down the last 4 digits of her no. after he left the room. Next time I got a chance to look at his phone he had put her no. back in his phone, but under a mans name. Which I now here is a very common thing that cheaters do. I am not saying that your H is doing that at all, but I just wanted to inform you of this. Can you go with him when he travels M-F ? I assume your kids are grown and gone by now and you are not stuck at home with young kids.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2009
Fri, 02-20-2009 - 1:46pm

Denial is what allows the cheater to keep doign what they are doing. The pain that they feel (some of them do, not all of them) is when their little fantasy world is popped. I have friends that are D due to other issues, alcohol and financial problems. Unless you have been cheated on your friends will not

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 02-20-2009 - 2:24pm
Sticking your head in the sand is the worst thing you could do. Draw a line in the sand instead.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2008
Fri, 02-20-2009 - 3:47pm

I would get into therapy immediately with your husband.


Peaceyma

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2009
Sat, 02-21-2009 - 10:00am

I have been reading some of the other posts and they break my heart. Why do we do this to each other?


I also realize that I am actually more fortunate than most. I have the ability to support myself, my youngest is 18 so they are reasonably independent and I have friends that I've known for decades.


I've been giving a lot of thought to H's "reasons" He said "my emotional needs were not being met." When I asked him why he didn't just say something, he said "I dropped some subtle hints" What Crap! My H is not the subtle type. He had the A because he WANTED to pure and simple. I have to face up to this and so does he.


Also I found some e-mails where he rated both me the the OW. He gave me a 3 on the fun category. That hurt! I admit I'm not a laugh a minute but that was harsh! In the compatibility category I got a 10 and the OW got a 7?, which tells me he knows he couldn't live with her.


Anyway thank you all for the support. I'm taking it one day at a time and will try to break out of my own self-centred world to help some others here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2009
Sat, 02-21-2009 - 12:03pm

Katy,
The advice lovemydog gives is so correct. My H cheated on me for 3 or 4 yrs.(not sure exactly how long) and we have been rebuilding for 2 yrs. now. It is truly an earth shattering experience .I'm still finding things out that he did w/her that are upsetting, but here's what I've come to realize. He is the one who was betrayed- he betrayed himself and his own morals. It's not easy for the cheater to live w/ that once they have gone thru therapy and understand their own flaws. My H will have to deal w/this pain for a lifetime, and even though we're happy now and working on our marriage everyday,and I love him, somehow I find great comfort in knowing that he will always suffer from his decision to cheat.

You are not alone. Lizzie

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