Going more insane by the second!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2011
Going more insane by the second!
23
Fri, 12-16-2011 - 4:26pm
I feel like I'm going insane. One second I'm a sad crying mess, the next I'm so angry I feel like kicking my husbands @$$, and the nicer he is the more pissed I get!!!!! Tonight is my step sons 4 yr old bday party with all the family. I can't begin to imagine how this is going to go. We leave Monday morning for a cruise with his whole freaking family and I'd rather die than go, but my kids are so freaking excited.
He keeps saying he's so sorry, he'll go to counseling and work on himself, he loves me, he'll continue to be an open book, it'll never happen again, he will never allow this again. I say that's crap considering you don't seem to know why it happened this time. He had my wedding band custom made...An eternity band, 19 diamonds or something equally like 6 ct. in platinum setting. I put it away and when he asked why I wasn't wearing my ring I looked at him and said I pawned that $h!t. His totally dropped and he cried again. I still haven't said otherwise. I did say I'm not sure why you didn't give that OW a ring, she seems to be the only one you were half way freaking honest with! He could have told her we had a bad marriage (which we didn't... That I knew of), but I was at that hospital all the time and my husband is very affectionate and always "showing me off"... Now looking back I'm thinking he was probably thinking "see y'all she's real pretty, but totally clueless"! OMG infuriates me!!!! I mean how can he be the most wonderful husband, yet be a lying cheating dog??!!! That's scarier than him actually being a jerk and then cheating! I just don't see how he could lie to me every single day for so long!!! The only thing we fought about was this woman and I really had no idea that he was actually carrying on a relationship or had slept with her!!! I'm a smart educated woman, I feel completely stupid and embarrassed and that pisses me off more!!!
We had a very long talk last night and I laid it all out. What I think, what I feel, And how it's going to be until I make a decision. I told him if this sounds unfair and he's not game then hit the door. I'd rather be alone and love and respect myself than be with a "man" that does not love and respect me. He hit the floor last night. I know his reality is falling around him, but it's no where near the devastation he's caused me. He was totally in agreement with my way of things. Which, keeping in mind, the last 3 months have been the best of my life and his too. Other than that he was carrying these lies from the past. I told him I think he made a huge mistake in forgetting how much I love myself and my children. I do not care about things, or my big house on the beach, what car I drive, or the money he makes! All I need and want are my boys. I want the best for them and if he can't give that then adios!!! As I'm saying this his eyes are filling with tears and he's pleading and all I want to do is punch him in the mouth. I've actually been really proud that I haven't done that, as bad as I want to. I just don't even believe him though. I feel like he is a good actor and he's playing a role to get what he wants. I fit the image he wants... I look good, I adore him, I take care of our family and his mother is so proud of him!!! GRRRRRR!!! I'm a damn trophy and damage control for this trainwreck!
None of this makes any sense to me. I swear I swear I do not even almost get it! You wouldn't believe how amazing this man is to me, to our kids. Not amazing because of what he buys me (although that doesn't hurt), but I swear every where we go people ALWAYS tell us "we have what everyone is searching for", or different versions of that. We could be in a crowded room on opposite sides and everyone would know we're together. Our chemistry is insane, and always has been. It's not like that's ever even missed a beat! Can that all be faked??? Was it ever really real???

I know this is all over, but if y'all were in my head you'd be even more dizzy from all the circles!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Fri, 12-16-2011 - 4:46pm
Boy do I remember those feelings your having. Just wanted to tell you that these feelings are NORMAL. Wanting to beat his arse and such. lol You will feel this way for quite a while and it's normal to take a year or two to get over this. Are you seeing a counselor?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2011
Fri, 12-16-2011 - 4:59pm
I made an appt for when I get back from the cruise. God help me to not push him over board!!! I might say "I'm sorry and I'll never do it again" if that were to happen!!
Here's my problem (among many), I can not "fake it"... I'm very real and can't pretend I'm happy when I'm not. I can be civil but not happy and smiley! He wants to be by my side 24/7 and I keep telling him I don't think it's safe for him to be near me, as I want nothing more than to hurt him!
I appreciate your reply! You may want to pray for him! :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Fri, 12-16-2011 - 7:32pm

I'll be listening for a " man goes overboard on cruise ship" news report. And if I hear one I promise not to tell. lol

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2011
Fri, 12-16-2011 - 9:27pm
Lol! Thanks!! :) when you went through this, did you throw digs at your husband? I say the meanest things and honestly it comes out without even thinking before I speak. And he keeps trying to hug me and kiss me and I'd rather eat live worms than for him to touch me. We are so far from "us" and I just can't see it getting it back. He keeps asking is this how I want it to be and have I already made my mind up. I'm like listen @$$hole you had almost a year of pulling your crap behind my back, it's going to take more than a week for me to even wrap my head around this bs!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Fri, 12-16-2011 - 10:47pm

Actually not too many digs as he has a bad temper. However, I did do something to OW beautiful floral plant she had blooming so nicely on the side of her house. LOL
For some reason I was a lot more angry at her at the time. Maybe it was because she only had one head to think with, unlike men who often think with head #2. first.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2011
Fri, 12-16-2011 - 11:33pm
Lol... Awesome!! I keep wanting to go to her house and tell her infront of her teenage children what a whore she is, or to her job in front of co workers, but I'm still too angry. And screw my husbands temper! I left out the part of him being on a high amount of steroids all last year, which also stopped in August! His temper was off the wall then and I couldn't say a word. Since that stopped he's been perfect. I have to wonder if that played any role in this. I watched him change with it and change back without it. It's crazy. I don't even trust my own judgement anymore!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Fri, 12-16-2011 - 11:43pm

Well you could do something more subtle like go to her house some nite with an ice pick. Oh there go those fantasies again. lol

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2011
Sat, 12-17-2011 - 1:36am
Lol we think along the same lines girl!! Lol a CIO once told me that's the best "off" weapon! Lol
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Sat, 12-17-2011 - 1:40pm
You are exactly right. You aren't up to speed and he wants to bury it. Just doesn't work that way. You don't have to fake anything, he will have to be the one to do that. I doubt he wants to tell his parents what is going on. In the beginning I said whatever is on my mind, fair or not. It has been 7 months now, there are times I want o say cruel things but I hold back. I believe that he realized the true extent of what he did. And actually if he is truly remorseful there is nothing I can say tht will hurt him as much as he hurts himself. He can't take back what happened. He has to live with his poor choices for the rest of his life. You on the other hand deal with your pain minus shame and guilt. Enjoy your cruise. I mean YOU. have fun with the boys. Once you feel that warm sun, the sound of the ocean, it'll help. And don't forget the 500$ spa treatment on his dime, of course! Take care- you are not insane- you are just trying to contain a pain you never saw coming. It takes time to get that pain under control. Dont worry about deciding anything right now. You do not have to make any decisions.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Sat, 12-17-2011 - 4:08pm

Oh, the anger phase, I remember it well;)

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