Going more insane by the second!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2011
Going more insane by the second!
Fri, 12-16-2011 - 4:26pm
I feel like I'm going insane. One second I'm a sad crying mess, the next I'm so angry I feel like kicking my husbands @$$, and the nicer he is the more pissed I get!!!!! Tonight is my step sons 4 yr old bday party with all the family. I can't begin to imagine how this is going to go. We leave Monday morning for a cruise with his whole freaking family and I'd rather die than go, but my kids are so freaking excited.
He keeps saying he's so sorry, he'll go to counseling and work on himself, he loves me, he'll continue to be an open book, it'll never happen again, he will never allow this again. I say that's crap considering you don't seem to know why it happened this time. He had my wedding band custom made...An eternity band, 19 diamonds or something equally like 6 ct. in platinum setting. I put it away and when he asked why I wasn't wearing my ring I looked at him and said I pawned that $h!t. His totally dropped and he cried again. I still haven't said otherwise. I did say I'm not sure why you didn't give that OW a ring, she seems to be the only one you were half way freaking honest with! He could have told her we had a bad marriage (which we didn't... That I knew of), but I was at that hospital all the time and my husband is very affectionate and always "showing me off"... Now looking back I'm thinking he was probably thinking "see y'all she's real pretty, but totally clueless"! OMG infuriates me!!!! I mean how can he be the most wonderful husband, yet be a lying cheating dog??!!! That's scarier than him actually being a jerk and then cheating! I just don't see how he could lie to me every single day for so long!!! The only thing we fought about was this woman and I really had no idea that he was actually carrying on a relationship or had slept with her!!! I'm a smart educated woman, I feel completely stupid and embarrassed and that pisses me off more!!!
We had a very long talk last night and I laid it all out. What I think, what I feel, And how it's going to be until I make a decision. I told him if this sounds unfair and he's not game then hit the door. I'd rather be alone and love and respect myself than be with a "man" that does not love and respect me. He hit the floor last night. I know his reality is falling around him, but it's no where near the devastation he's caused me. He was totally in agreement with my way of things. Which, keeping in mind, the last 3 months have been the best of my life and his too. Other than that he was carrying these lies from the past. I told him I think he made a huge mistake in forgetting how much I love myself and my children. I do not care about things, or my big house on the beach, what car I drive, or the money he makes! All I need and want are my boys. I want the best for them and if he can't give that then adios!!! As I'm saying this his eyes are filling with tears and he's pleading and all I want to do is punch him in the mouth. I've actually been really proud that I haven't done that, as bad as I want to. I just don't even believe him though. I feel like he is a good actor and he's playing a role to get what he wants. I fit the image he wants... I look good, I adore him, I take care of our family and his mother is so proud of him!!! GRRRRRR!!! I'm a damn trophy and damage control for this trainwreck!
None of this makes any sense to me. I swear I swear I do not even almost get it! You wouldn't believe how amazing this man is to me, to our kids. Not amazing because of what he buys me (although that doesn't hurt), but I swear every where we go people ALWAYS tell us "we have what everyone is searching for", or different versions of that. We could be in a crowded room on opposite sides and everyone would know we're together. Our chemistry is insane, and always has been. It's not like that's ever even missed a beat! Can that all be faked??? Was it ever really real???

I know this is all over, but if y'all were in my head you'd be even more dizzy from all the circles!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2011
Sat, 12-17-2011 - 4:54pm
Y'all are really good at this! :) you'll never know how deeply I appreciate it! Funny you said that about being angry that he's sleeping. I went off the deep end last night while he was in an ambien coma. He was awakened to pure craziness!!! I let him totally have it! All at 2:30am! After all I can't unleash when the kids are awake! I ripped the chain I had made for him off his wrist (violence is very unlike me) and smashed his iPhone. Better than hitting him with a blunt object I figured! He took it all and sobbed "please don't be done, I'll do counseling, I know our problems are my fault, I know I have issues- I'll do whatever it takes to fix them, blah blah blah". I left my house at 3:30 am and went to a hotel down the street. (we live on the beach, so in the midst of tourist hell). He called and text begging me to come home. I told him it's not safe there for him! Lol! I've been trying to shop all day but can't seem to get any of that done because my head is a mess. As for the spa... It was already scheduled weeks ago! Sadly for him, he made it a couples package but there will only be one attending- ME!!!
I'm so angry for multiple reasons and right now one of the biggest is because I truly love him, I miss him. He's my best friend, we always do everything together and now I dont have that. I hate him for that. I want everything to be normal and be okay, but it's just not that simple. I'm so confused!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2008
Sat, 12-17-2011 - 8:39pm

I'm so sorry for what you are going through.

I have always found it difficult to come to terms with the fact that my H was more honest with the OW than with me. It is of course just the nature of the thing, but very hard to deal with.

I doubt that your H thought of you as clueless. I think there is too much shame for the WS to think along those lines, at least in most cases. He was probably showing you off to boost his ego. That's what most cheating is about anyway, I believe. My H always used to tell everyone how wonderful I was. I always thought that was about ME, but now I think it was about HIM and his ego.

I too have struggled with the fact that we had what I thought was a very good marriage. Maybe it was, maybe not. I can't get a completely straight answer out of my H. But we DID specifically talk about how good our marriage was - and we did that fairly frequently, and meanwhile he was involved with other women or looking for the next one (he was with several). So weird that he could keep it so separate or rationalize it so well or whatever he did to reconcile those two things. Now I wonder if he only thought the marriage was great because he could have all I offered in terms of support, etc, plus sleep around and I was so trusting he got away with it. The whole have your cake and eat it too. Yeah, I guess that was a pretty good deal for him.

Well, hope the cruise goes ok. Just enjoy your time with the kids. Things with your H are just going to take a lot more time, so don't let that overshadow everything else, because there's only so much you can do about it right now.

Take care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2011
Sat, 12-17-2011 - 9:15pm
Ya know another thing that has me so pissed!!! He says, "I didn't care about her, I love you- I've always loved and wanted you". Really f*ckr! I'd rather you tell me you were in love with her and at least risking what we had was over something real. Why not just leave me?!!! Jesus it's not like I've won some grand prize here!! I have friends that say "you're number one, not her"... Screw that! I better be the ONLY one! My life is too short. I want what I thought I had, but really have it. I know you say to not contact that woman but holy goodness it's eating me alive. Have these women no shame. Who in their right mind would settle for being a lie or secret!! Not only that, this woman had posted terrible things about me on Facebook. She is 40 some years old. Why would she mock me and call me a fool when I had no idea what was happening?! I swear I could hit her with my car and keep driving!!!!! What nerve. I mean did she think he was really going to leave me for her old ass. I just dont get it!! She got mad when she saw my Facebook and saw all the pictures and how happy we were. I just can't imagine some trashy woman feeling so entitled to someone else's husband.
I need to go to church!
Thank you all, again!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Mon, 12-19-2011 - 2:38am
I sure hope you got to your boat okay! Everything you say and thought, I did too. I to this day knowing xAP partner struggle with the whys and justifications for what she did. I did have contact with her. She is the one who gave me info to confirm the affair. I sent her one scathing letter. I then contacted her via email for information as I knew there was more than what my husband was telling me. I got the info I needed. What I haven't got to this day is the real apology I feel I am owed. But more than that I want to know that she has true remorse, guilt and shame. I want to know that she knows what she took part in. I believe I want the impossible because unless she was me in my life and marriage she will never really know.

In contacting her, that's your decision. This is your journey no one else's.

My husband also stated that he did not want her long term and even if we divorced she would not be real relationship material as she was capable of lying, deceit and cheating. Yes, this is for real. He also stated he never wanted a divorce. It seems to be the way most men think. XAP was my opposite in every way. We had a few similarities but just a few. That he risked EVERYTHING (especially kids) for NOTHING fueled my rage. She however believed that they had a future. She however believed they had the real deal.

As your husband is flawed, so is she. She too liked the attention, validation she was getting. But behind her wickedness, is a woman who knows exactly what she was doing and wrong is wrong. Some APs lack the feeling of guilt. If she was posting on FB about their relationship than she is the fool. A fool who is hollow in everyday that is important to those of us who believe in the institution in marriage. Hopefully at some point in her life she will come to an understand what she as done. What is done can't be undone. All of our mistakes as humans are a permanent stain of our character. We can change ourselves, but we can't erase our pasts.

I think that you have realized in how many ways an affair shatters all that you knew in your world. All the things you had that gave you comfort and security. That has been taken from you. We all asked ourselves this. If the one person closest to me could do this what can everyone else do? It challenges our ability to trust in other people and also our trust in ourselves and our judgement.

Your strength and spirit are alive and well within you. You will survive this I have no doubt. I hope your husband is man enough for you! Keep us posted!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2011
Sun, 12-25-2011 - 6:46pm

Yeah, I heard the same thing about my marriage.... " Oh Blah & Blah have a Wonderful marriage, I wish ours was that good. Oh, you guys sit in church holding hands and cuddling, I wish I could be that way with my wife." But, all during this time my husband was falling in love, and asking a woman to marry him on the computer. He met her in a karaoke room on youtube. He is madly in love with her... Although we have a "model marriage" Bull$hit!!!! He is a wolf in sheeps clothing. I have been faithful, loving and hardworking in this relationship for 20+ years and this is the recompense I get. Our marriage is in the toilet. And I like you.. am "arm candy" and have the material things that "should" make us happy, but we're living in hell... unreal!!! I don't know what the answers are or arent... But coming to the site helps with all the wisdom here. What I've read is that the Red Flags are waving in my situation, I don't know about yours.. What a mess? and I had the "Perfect Marriage" pffff

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2011
Sun, 12-25-2011 - 7:46pm
Yup! That's exactly how it is. I hear all the time "how lucky I am"... Craziest part is, I really thought I was! I mean who really gets to be married to their best friend?! He always made me feel so much love and happiness! All I feel now is a whole lot of anger, rage, and sadness! I grew up with a father that was so
great and wonderful, yet cheated on my mother their
entire marriage! My dad is a great guy, and I do truly believe he loved my mother as much as he'll ever love anyone, but he can't be faithful. That is not the life I want! I'd rather have nothing. This house and these things do not matter to me! And I'm not the stupid woman that stays for her children!! I will leave for my children!! I have five little boys that I'm raising to be men and this is the last thing I would ever want to show them is okay. They may not know now, but what if he is like my dad and is real sorry this time, and the next time, and the next time!!! A million curse words come to mind right nnow!!
I feel for you terribly. 20 years... My mother wasted 23 or so and I at the time of their divorce I was 17 years old. I'll never forget hearing her cry every night! Ugh. Even then I felt her pain and swore I would never live her life. I won't, I can't. I'm not built that way. I know people say it's harder to stay and work it out than it is to give up and leave. But I made vows that day and so did he. Mine meant something and his were just words. I know my husband loves me and I'm sure he really is sorry... Sorry his lying cheating ass got caught!!! He's been great and walking the line the last 3 months or so and so it's unfortunate that I just found out two weeks ago, but either way it doesn't excuse what he did and let happen. I'll never forgive him. I'll never move past it. I thought what we had was real and special... I had no clue he was making such a fool of me. I feel completely stupid and betrayed. I just don't know how people sleep at night knowing what they've done!! Fckrs!!!!!!
Good luck to you. And yes this site really does help. I am forever grateful.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2011
Sun, 12-25-2011 - 8:20pm
Also... I tried contacting this "woman" and she will not answer or respond. I did contact her boss! I'm not sure what will happen there, and I don't really care, as my husband quit months ago. Obviously I would love to see her world crash around her, but I figure it's already sad and pathetic enough. I know she feels no shame or guilt. After I tried contacting her, I braced myself and looked at her Facebook. She really posted "when will some people learn that being upfront and honest is always the best way to go".... Freaking really???!!!!! I saw that right before I boarded the ship. I am so thankful for the small amount of control I still have, because my kids and I really did have an amazing time! My husband was the social outcast by his own family and the only people that talked to him were our kids! Lol! It was kinda funny... Not really in a haha way, but funny. I was mad because it should have been a wonderful time for us, and I should have been able to hang out and play with my husband, but instead I had to restrain myself from harming him!! He did get stung by the second most deadly jelly fish, but OF COURSE, you can't kill evil!! ;)
But what nerve of this woman. I find it interesting that she felt so entitled and righteous about MY HUSBAND!!!! Who knows what he told her, but what I do know is we didn't spend a night apart. I tried all summer to go out of town WITH the kids and he wouldn't have it at all. He was nuts about that. I do not understand that. Ya know I met him while working with him. We worked together for several years. He actually left our office and opened his own practice and asked me to work for him there (prior to any relationship). We were great friends... And friends only. I knew he liked me, but I'm very skeptical by nature and takes me a while to let my guard down. I thought I could trust him. He blew that ship out of the water!!
We went to church last night and as I'm listening to the preacher, I want to hit my husband in the face even harder!!!! It's bad! I just can not wrap my head around this!!
I wish there was a crystal ball with all the answers!! :'(
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Tue, 12-27-2011 - 11:01pm
Your answers come in time. They are yours as you try to make sense of the betrayel you have suffered. In from what xAP partner told me, she was in a haze. How could she say things like I never thought you find out, therefore it wouldn't hurt me. My husband also told her that I probably wouldn't care if they were having an affair therefore if he doesn't care why should she? These lame excuses while in the same breath she is dreaming future and them together and how to blend the families. I was like, seriously? R u f-ing kidding me? What that told me was she flat out wasn't thinking. She was in fantasy. Fantasy doesn't exist in real life and the two cant be blended in the way she wanted.

I just kept going back to myself and my life. Taking a look at my own character. I know now that I am not in a position to judge anyone for their f-ups if they don't live in my house. And you are right, once trust is lost we see it's value for what it is. It makes all the material things seem cheap and extremely replaceable.

You are not your mother. She did something right by giving you the ability to trust in yourself and build strength. Your gift will be to teach your boys how to be selfless men who know how to treat women.

Glad you enjoyed your trip. You and the boys deserved it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2011
Wed, 12-28-2011 - 8:34pm
Still standing... I don't know if any answers will come. I don't know that I even trust my own judgement at this point. I feel like I end up making excuses for him. What I struggle so much with is how can I stay and nnot make it automatically look like it was okay for him to do this. I feel like he manipulates me and calculates every move he makes. I feel like he is hiding something constantly. Every word he says, I feel is a lie. I flat at do not trust him. He freaked out about me having a conversation with a man on our trip and keeps asking me if "we are done doing that"... Uh I didn't do anything!!!!
I need help! In a big big way!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Sat, 12-31-2011 - 7:45pm
Your intuition and your judgement are all you have to keep yourself as balanced as u can be at this point. And yes, you cannot believe what he says. His actions are talking for him now. The fact that he is still deleting things on his phone speaks loud and clear. He just doesn't get it. He probably does manipulate but it is up to you to recognize it and then not tolerate it. If my husband got sarcastic, elevated his voice, whatever, I just got up and walked away. I am not stuck, I don't have to be talked to rudely ever again. He would give e a blank stare. You give him your list and then he ticks to it. He messes up, he is gone. Period.