Going more insane by the second!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2011
Going more insane by the second!
23
Fri, 12-16-2011 - 4:26pm
I feel like I'm going insane. One second I'm a sad crying mess, the next I'm so angry I feel like kicking my husbands @$$, and the nicer he is the more pissed I get!!!!! Tonight is my step sons 4 yr old bday party with all the family. I can't begin to imagine how this is going to go. We leave Monday morning for a cruise with his whole freaking family and I'd rather die than go, but my kids are so freaking excited.
He keeps saying he's so sorry, he'll go to counseling and work on himself, he loves me, he'll continue to be an open book, it'll never happen again, he will never allow this again. I say that's crap considering you don't seem to know why it happened this time. He had my wedding band custom made...An eternity band, 19 diamonds or something equally like 6 ct. in platinum setting. I put it away and when he asked why I wasn't wearing my ring I looked at him and said I pawned that $h!t. His totally dropped and he cried again. I still haven't said otherwise. I did say I'm not sure why you didn't give that OW a ring, she seems to be the only one you were half way freaking honest with! He could have told her we had a bad marriage (which we didn't... That I knew of), but I was at that hospital all the time and my husband is very affectionate and always "showing me off"... Now looking back I'm thinking he was probably thinking "see y'all she's real pretty, but totally clueless"! OMG infuriates me!!!! I mean how can he be the most wonderful husband, yet be a lying cheating dog??!!! That's scarier than him actually being a jerk and then cheating! I just don't see how he could lie to me every single day for so long!!! The only thing we fought about was this woman and I really had no idea that he was actually carrying on a relationship or had slept with her!!! I'm a smart educated woman, I feel completely stupid and embarrassed and that pisses me off more!!!
We had a very long talk last night and I laid it all out. What I think, what I feel, And how it's going to be until I make a decision. I told him if this sounds unfair and he's not game then hit the door. I'd rather be alone and love and respect myself than be with a "man" that does not love and respect me. He hit the floor last night. I know his reality is falling around him, but it's no where near the devastation he's caused me. He was totally in agreement with my way of things. Which, keeping in mind, the last 3 months have been the best of my life and his too. Other than that he was carrying these lies from the past. I told him I think he made a huge mistake in forgetting how much I love myself and my children. I do not care about things, or my big house on the beach, what car I drive, or the money he makes! All I need and want are my boys. I want the best for them and if he can't give that then adios!!! As I'm saying this his eyes are filling with tears and he's pleading and all I want to do is punch him in the mouth. I've actually been really proud that I haven't done that, as bad as I want to. I just don't even believe him though. I feel like he is a good actor and he's playing a role to get what he wants. I fit the image he wants... I look good, I adore him, I take care of our family and his mother is so proud of him!!! GRRRRRR!!! I'm a damn trophy and damage control for this trainwreck!
None of this makes any sense to me. I swear I swear I do not even almost get it! You wouldn't believe how amazing this man is to me, to our kids. Not amazing because of what he buys me (although that doesn't hurt), but I swear every where we go people ALWAYS tell us "we have what everyone is searching for", or different versions of that. We could be in a crowded room on opposite sides and everyone would know we're together. Our chemistry is insane, and always has been. It's not like that's ever even missed a beat! Can that all be faked??? Was it ever really real???

I know this is all over, but if y'all were in my head you'd be even more dizzy from all the circles!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Mon, 01-02-2012 - 3:54am
Oh yeah, it all does make you think you're going insane. When it seems to come out of nowhere rather than you having the feeling something is going on it's even worse. I look back on the crazy fantasies the first couple of years. I wanted to tie DH to the passenger seat of my car and drive directly to her apartment and do a confrontation he couldn't escape. DH sleeps like the dead, once he's gone, he's gone. I kept imagining slowly shoving him off the side of the bed. Using my feet, starting at his feet, just start pushing, then move up to his butt, push that over, then his chest, then the real prize, his head would go off the end and smack onto the floor. Surprise, honey!!! I once got sooooo freakin' angry when I found out yet another awful bit of info that I drove off in a fury and out the window went my ring in the dark, never to be seen again, and I didn't care a bit about it, either. I'd like to think some poor person found it somehow, although I doubt it.

Being angry and wanting to act out are all so normal, I think it'd be abnormal to NOT feel like that. Sounds like all of it has really done a number on you, but you have to be allowed to do and say whatever needs doing and saying. It's HIS job to restore trust if that's what you want. Wondering if it was EVER real? I think we all understand that one. I completely relate to the lying, my husband grew up with a serious problem there and has gotten caught in lie after lie after lie, something he learned to do to avoid trouble with his abusive father - he just never stopped the lying but is working on it with a counselor. The lying crap might be the hardest for me to get my arms around, you forever wonder how many more lies you're gonna hear. Wondering if they're just doing an Academy Award acting job is pretty common, too - we kick ourselves when we don't pick up on it. I think you're doing better than you imagine, you said so many of the "right" things. I get it, too - it has felt like you have this terrific relationship, so the question is: why? Many of them don't know what they've got until they lose it. Enjoy your boat trip, sounds really nice.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2011
Mon, 01-02-2012 - 9:18pm
Our trip was nice, for the most part- thank you. Still.standing, he swears the deleting of Internet history was because he looked at porn and freaked out that I'd be upset. I think I actually believe him on that one. But from this point forward he better not erase a damn thing! I haven't slept in days because I can't get any of this straight. He lays awake with me (after my explosion about him sleeping soundly) lol, and swears he will be who I thought he was and never damage us again. So far he has made no attempt to get counseling and I'm not saying a word. I've decided I'm staying right where I am and giving it until summer break and if he hasn't done what he needs to do by then than I am taking the boys and walking out the door leaving the lies behind me. I'm going to give it an honest try until then. Hopefully he does get it.
Myradorn, you sound exactly like me! I did wake my husband up one night in a crazy outrage! He stays awake until I fall asleep now! Lol
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Tue, 01-03-2012 - 8:26am

Hi dmh81,

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