grrr. wife at it again

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2008
grrr. wife at it again
Sat, 01-17-2009 - 6:09pm

*Sorry if this is a double post, I tried posting earlier and I think I hit the wrong button*

DDay was 9/4/08

Things have gotten progressivley better since mid-October, up until recently at least.

I've been becoming suspicious over the last 2 weeks or so- 3 instances where my wife couldn't account for her time after being gone for a few hours shopping.

She's has gotten grouchy towards me and more aloof.

I've been checking her emails but haven't found anything suspicious.

This morning I found something on her computer, an google IM. She had called me at work yesterday about how to set up a yahoo or a gmail account, but I didn't htink anything of it at the time. We have a joint Gmail account that we both use, but her browser history was wiped and the IM window showed a difrerent gmail login name (herown) and a name of a man in her contact list (more about this later). I wasunableto open her gmail account, but as luck would have it, it opens from the IM window if you click an icon (found this out by accident).

I found two chat sessions last night- she was up late after I went to bed. They chatted about hiding her tracks from chatting and internet- my wife was worried because she described me as a 'computer wizard' (I'm really not). From the conversation, OM wanted her to install another IM so he could send her webcams, but she wasn't able to because of her lack of admin priviledges on her work computer. She installed it on my computer- a computer she hasn't use once int he last 6 years.

I tried to put a keylogger on her computer but failed for the same reasons that she couldn't install an IM. But I put a logger on my computer. I think now I'm going to sit back and see what kind of fish I catch- probably going to put together a package to mail to OM's wife (he's the same guy that was sending her explicit emails back in september and my wife was supposed to be 'no-contact' with). Having him worry about what his own wife is going to do will probably make him a little less interested in mine.

This whole ball of crap has taken its toll on me since September- I had a bad last quarter at work and lost my raise and bonus (I'm scrambling now just to keep my job). A guy who is only 36 shouldn't know a cardiologist, but I do because of my heart skipping (cardiologist says its caused by too much caffeine or too much stress(premature ventricular contractions)- I cut out the caffeine, but its still doing it. I also have weird eye problem (leaking retina) which the opthamologist says is usually linked to stress.
The stress caused illnesses alone have cost thousands of dollars- laser scan of my eyes, trip to the ER when my I first noticed my heart malfunctioning, and various doctor consultations including with a cardiologist.

I need vacation- from my wife.


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2009
Thu, 01-22-2009 - 9:43am

So what is Brian suppose to do sit back and be played for a Fool???

Right now I am caught in limbo and it stinks. The OM's W "knew" something was up and just could not put her finger on it.

BrianM has options but so does his W. Everyone has options and decisions to make. His marriage maybe over,

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2008
Thu, 01-22-2009 - 9:55am

Here are some facts that I know about his family.

There is a little boy- from the context it sounds like it was his Wife's child from a previous marriage.

His wife had a miscarriage a year or so before. (Makes me worry about the emotionalstability if I were to approach his wife).

He was divorced approx. 5 years ago, his wife apparantly kept the house.

They have lived in their current house in a very pricey neighborhood for less than 2 years.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2008
Thu, 01-22-2009 - 10:08am

I'm not sure how you interpreted my words to say he remain mute?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2009
Thu, 01-22-2009 - 10:11am

BrianM..One thing I have learned over the last couple of weeks is that there is a well of strength in me that I have never tapped before. I can do it all. I can play Mom and I do the "protective dad" very well.

I do not have a clear road map of where my family will be in 6 months but I do know that I can take care of my kids, I am a good dad, person and husband; and that no matter what happens my girls and I will make it through together.

If I could make one suggestion, sit down and write everything out. Do a Decision tree and see where it lands.


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
Thu, 01-22-2009 - 10:16am

Any decision that you make at this point Brian is respectable. You have been patient and have tried to deal with it on just your end. Your have

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Thu, 01-22-2009 - 11:46am
You know your right. I never thought of the stability of this woman. What if she does go out and do something crazy or revengeful towards someone. His wife may get out of the hospital and have a crazy stalker on her hands. Maybe Brian would be better off going directly to OM and telling HIM that he knows was going on. Could be that there is a no dating between employees rule in the co. which would be a co. rule violation he'd get busted for. Also as was said...Affairs thrive on secrecy. That is the big part of the thrill of it all. Once the cat is out of the bag this thing might not seem so exciting to OM anymore. In fact he may just move on to pursuing another woman in the office. Depends on what this guy is like.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2008
Thu, 01-22-2009 - 12:05pm
I think that the wife will be in shock for a while if she is anything like the rest of us--seems like I could not or did not have the energy for much of my everyday life much less try to act our on the OW. Of course I was recovering from a c-section--------well of course she could hurt the OM but that's between them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Thu, 01-22-2009 - 12:37pm
Could be your right. But I was just thinking once the cat is out of the bag the whole thing won't seem so great anymore. There's no fantasy element anymore, which is what tends to fuel the affair. But if Brian has e-mails he can forward to the boss (if there is a no dating co. rule) or to OM wife, the OM may start running scared once he knows the whole thing is going to be exposed. He may not think it's worth it anymore if his job or marriage is at risk here. As I said it really depends on what is going on here. Is this guy in love with Brians wife or is he just a guy that goes around looking for women to have affairs with cause he likes to cheat and get his ego boosted? If it is the latter then all he will be concerned about is not getting his cover blown in the office or at home with W. so he can move on to his next affair.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2009
Thu, 01-22-2009 - 12:46pm

You're not responsible for someone else's mental health. *If* this woman has issues, which is possible, but unlikely, she could find out from another source, or catch an email or something, anyway. You may have control over whether *you* tell her or not, but you really don't have any as to whether she ultimately finds out. The miscarriage is sad, but it would be in her better interest to find out what her H is really like before she has children with him.

If it were me, I wouldn't worry about upsetting a hornet's nest. It is unpleasant but often what is necessary to correct a serious problem once and for all. Especially if you're dealing with a cheater who has already been caught, as your wife has. Obviously, she hasn't been dealt serious enough

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2005
Thu, 01-22-2009 - 1:05pm


I am so sorry to hear you are going through hell.