grrr. wife at it again

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2008
grrr. wife at it again
101
Sat, 01-17-2009 - 6:09pm

*Sorry if this is a double post, I tried posting earlier and I think I hit the wrong button*

DDay was 9/4/08

Things have gotten progressivley better since mid-October, up until recently at least.

I've been becoming suspicious over the last 2 weeks or so- 3 instances where my wife couldn't account for her time after being gone for a few hours shopping.

She's has gotten grouchy towards me and more aloof.

I've been checking her emails but haven't found anything suspicious.

This morning I found something on her computer, an google IM. She had called me at work yesterday about how to set up a yahoo or a gmail account, but I didn't htink anything of it at the time. We have a joint Gmail account that we both use, but her browser history was wiped and the IM window showed a difrerent gmail login name (herown) and a name of a man in her contact list (more about this later). I wasunableto open her gmail account, but as luck would have it, it opens from the IM window if you click an icon (found this out by accident).

I found two chat sessions last night- she was up late after I went to bed. They chatted about hiding her tracks from chatting and internet- my wife was worried because she described me as a 'computer wizard' (I'm really not). From the conversation, OM wanted her to install another IM so he could send her webcams, but she wasn't able to because of her lack of admin priviledges on her work computer. She installed it on my computer- a computer she hasn't use once int he last 6 years.

I tried to put a keylogger on her computer but failed for the same reasons that she couldn't install an IM. But I put a logger on my computer. I think now I'm going to sit back and see what kind of fish I catch- probably going to put together a package to mail to OM's wife (he's the same guy that was sending her explicit emails back in september and my wife was supposed to be 'no-contact' with). Having him worry about what his own wife is going to do will probably make him a little less interested in mine.

This whole ball of crap has taken its toll on me since September- I had a bad last quarter at work and lost my raise and bonus (I'm scrambling now just to keep my job). A guy who is only 36 shouldn't know a cardiologist, but I do because of my heart skipping (cardiologist says its caused by too much caffeine or too much stress(premature ventricular contractions)- I cut out the caffeine, but its still doing it. I also have weird eye problem (leaking retina) which the opthamologist says is usually linked to stress.
The stress caused illnesses alone have cost thousands of dollars- laser scan of my eyes, trip to the ER when my I first noticed my heart malfunctioning, and various doctor consultations including with a cardiologist.

I need vacation- from my wife.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2008
Thu, 01-22-2009 - 1:18pm

Brian,


I would tell the OM's W.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Thu, 01-22-2009 - 1:48pm
I would probably call OM and tell him 'look I got the e-mails, texts and all the proof I need and if you make any more advances towards my wife I have no problem printing these out and personally delivering them to your wife." As I said he may just be wanting to get out of this mess as cleanly as possible. Is Brian's objective to expose this guy or is it to keep him away from his wife? The other side is that OM wife could kick his sorry a$$ out and then OM may pursue Brian's wife even harder if he is left out on the curb. Alot really depends on whether Brian wants to save his marriage or let the chips fall as they may. I think the best thing really would be for Brian to insist W quits working with this guy and finds another job. Then again if this guy is a serial cheater he may already have moved on to his next affair with B wife not being available to him.


Edited 1/22/2009 2:00 pm ET by peaceyma
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2009
Thu, 01-22-2009 - 2:03pm

Brian: If you really want to clinch the deal, then make a call to the OM to confront him and record the call. Then play the call back to OM's wife along with the other evidence you have collected. Chances are that the OM will say something incriminating on the call with you.

I was going to take this approach in my own situation, but ended up not needing to, as the OM's fiancee did not need the extra evidence.

I also know how you are struggling with what the possible consequences of telling the OM's wife are - including what your motivation is. I struggled with that for a while, and ultimately decided that like many other aspects of dealing with infidelity, there are positive and negative motivations and emotions in play simultaneously.

Yes, I wanted revenge and to throw his life into disarray since he had messed up mine. But I also felt it was simply the right thing to do, and that I would certainly have wanted the OM's fiancee to have told me if she was the one to find out. I knew that in addition to marriage, she wanted to have kids with him, and that it would be horrible for that to happen without her knowing the truth.

Since my GF and I had decided to rebuild, hearing that the OM was kicked out of his house and his relationship with his fiancee was pretty much over - felt like a victory at first. His life was now more f-cked up than mine. It is short lived though, as I realize that the prize I "won" is a lot of hard work and going through significant pain while trying to rebuild things with my GF.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2008
Thu, 01-22-2009 - 2:35pm

I wish someone had told ME.


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004
Thu, 01-22-2009 - 2:46pm
Brian, I would like to jump in here and agree with hi.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2008
Thu, 01-22-2009 - 5:12pm

I called OM's wife.
She thought I was nuts and laughed me off, she refused to even give me an email address for me to send my files to.
She said she was happily married and was pregnant with her 2nd child.

I did what I could.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Thu, 01-22-2009 - 5:24pm
Did you give her details. Where he works, his cell phone no. etc.? Or maybe she's in denial and don't want to believe it? I mean if she's PG this is probably the LAST thing she wants to face. Or maybe he is a serial cheater and she has just resigned herself to the fact that he screws around and overlooks it as long as he brings home a paycheck and comes home to her. My MIL lived with this attitude her whole married life to my FIL. She overlooked his little indiscretions cause she knew he was not going to change.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2008
Thu, 01-22-2009 - 6:25pm

Yes, you did what you could.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Thu, 01-22-2009 - 6:31pm
Next step.. Find out if there's a no dating within company policy. If so send the incriminating e-mails to his boss. Of course then your wife will lose her job too. But maybe that's a good thing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2008
Thu, 01-22-2009 - 6:31pm

I gave her as much as I could, it was very hard to talk, let alone sound calm,articulate, and collected.

She laughed at a lot of things I said, but she also stayed on the line and listened for nearly 10 minutes.

I hope mr Dan has an interesting weekend anyhow....

I sent him an email with an excerpt of the chat, and told him to call me- he hasn't replied and its been 2 hours now.

I was really distressed that the phone call didn't go anywhere near like I thought it would. I called my wife and told her that I knew about the web-chats, she denied it at first, but when I started reading it off the paper, she changed and sounded disturbed.
She's now trying to play nicey-nice with me and is all apologetic and says she regrets what she did and wants to talk about it tonight when she gets home, blah blah blah.




Edited 1/22/2009 6:35 pm ET by brianm08

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