grrr. wife at it again

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2008
grrr. wife at it again
Sat, 01-17-2009 - 6:09pm

*Sorry if this is a double post, I tried posting earlier and I think I hit the wrong button*

DDay was 9/4/08

Things have gotten progressivley better since mid-October, up until recently at least.

I've been becoming suspicious over the last 2 weeks or so- 3 instances where my wife couldn't account for her time after being gone for a few hours shopping.

She's has gotten grouchy towards me and more aloof.

I've been checking her emails but haven't found anything suspicious.

This morning I found something on her computer, an google IM. She had called me at work yesterday about how to set up a yahoo or a gmail account, but I didn't htink anything of it at the time. We have a joint Gmail account that we both use, but her browser history was wiped and the IM window showed a difrerent gmail login name (herown) and a name of a man in her contact list (more about this later). I wasunableto open her gmail account, but as luck would have it, it opens from the IM window if you click an icon (found this out by accident).

I found two chat sessions last night- she was up late after I went to bed. They chatted about hiding her tracks from chatting and internet- my wife was worried because she described me as a 'computer wizard' (I'm really not). From the conversation, OM wanted her to install another IM so he could send her webcams, but she wasn't able to because of her lack of admin priviledges on her work computer. She installed it on my computer- a computer she hasn't use once int he last 6 years.

I tried to put a keylogger on her computer but failed for the same reasons that she couldn't install an IM. But I put a logger on my computer. I think now I'm going to sit back and see what kind of fish I catch- probably going to put together a package to mail to OM's wife (he's the same guy that was sending her explicit emails back in september and my wife was supposed to be 'no-contact' with). Having him worry about what his own wife is going to do will probably make him a little less interested in mine.

This whole ball of crap has taken its toll on me since September- I had a bad last quarter at work and lost my raise and bonus (I'm scrambling now just to keep my job). A guy who is only 36 shouldn't know a cardiologist, but I do because of my heart skipping (cardiologist says its caused by too much caffeine or too much stress(premature ventricular contractions)- I cut out the caffeine, but its still doing it. I also have weird eye problem (leaking retina) which the opthamologist says is usually linked to stress.
The stress caused illnesses alone have cost thousands of dollars- laser scan of my eyes, trip to the ER when my I first noticed my heart malfunctioning, and various doctor consultations including with a cardiologist.

I need vacation- from my wife.


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2008
Sat, 01-17-2009 - 8:11pm

Have been wondering how you've been doing. By the sound of things, not good.

I'm guessing that the threat of what you might collect (aka your fishing analogy) might not dissuade him. That's the way it is with cheaters. I'd keep the keylogger in place; no harm in collecting info for later use.

At some point, you may have to come to grips with the cold, hard fact that not all marriages are salvageable. The vacation from your wife may have to be

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2009
Sat, 01-17-2009 - 8:41pm

I am sorry that you are going through this. I am going through my own hell.

I will say a prayer for you tomorrow when I go to church with my girls.

Do you have kids?


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2008
Sat, 01-17-2009 - 8:47pm

two kids
Daughter= 2.5 years old
Son= 6 years old.

They were the main reason (and lots of time praying) why I stuck it out in my marriage despite the hell I was put through. Right now I'm pretty much numb.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2008
Sat, 01-17-2009 - 8:57pm

"Have been wondering how you've been doing. By the sound of things, not good."

Good up until lately, but the stress is litterally killing me. Feel a little better right now, nerves are calmed, heart is beating correctly, after running 2 miles on the treadmill.

"I'm guessing that the threat of what you might collect (aka your fishing analogy) might not dissuade him"

Its not really a threat. I had my wife warn him back in September not to contact her anymore. I've never contacted him myself, but I watched as my wife sent him a final no-contact email. I figure I could print all of the conversations that I archived of my wife and him and mail it to his wife- he was looking for excitement in an affair, I'll give him a little more than he bargained for.

"The vacation from your wife may have to be permanent."
I hope it doesn't come to that, but it probably will.I tried being a 'perfect husband' for the last 3 months, it apparantly isn't good enough for her.

"I wish you the best and do keep posting ...."

I guess I'll keep my mouth shut to people around me this time around, keep my ear to the wall, prepare for the worst, pretend nothing is wrong, and come here to vent. Might be a better strategy than last time around when I nearly lost my mind.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2008
Sun, 01-18-2009 - 12:15am

Sorry that I misunderstood your info. gathering reference. I now understand. You've got it exactly right; I'd do the same.

Yes, I think your new approach to all of this will be a better alternative than what you did during round one. I'm not knocking your earlier behavior in the slightest. I was far worse during my DDay. But, we learn as we go, right?

The main thing now is to take care of yourself. No sense letting her short-sightedness affect your long-term health. When your vital organs are at risk, it's time to take care of yourself. I'm glad to hear that you're doing that.

I wish you nothing but the best, Brian.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 01-18-2009 - 3:59pm
Obviously your W has not been rebuildilng with you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 01-18-2009 - 4:01pm
Be sure you document everything in case it comes to the court - keep copies of the IM's and whatever else you find.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2008
Sun, 01-18-2009 - 9:40pm

I got more out of her today...

I've been really short with her over the last few days. This morning she got mad at me and told me to stop acting like an A-hole. I told her that I'm not the A-hole that has a hard time keeping their pants on. This got her very angry. I then started peppering her with questions- Where have you been the three times you have time unaccounted for? Why have you been acting this way towards me over the last 2 weeks (the same way she was acting while having an A). When are the lies going to end? Have you been talking to OM? (I saw a look of shock on her face when I asked this one). She then left for church, I told her "you had better ask for a lot of forgiveness while you are there, you need it, and I'm having a hard time forgiving you myself"

Later in the day we talked. I told her that she has been acting differently and that intuitively I felt that she was contacting the OM that I had forbidden her to contact back in September. I told her that she must be doing it at work or calling him on the phone at work or while driving. She admitted that he contacted her around the 1st of the year and they exchanged 2 or 3 emails that day, and that was it. Her IM/email session with him occured this last Friday night.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2008
Sun, 01-18-2009 - 9:43pm

I also looked at her blackberry. She changed the guy's name on her contact list (I noticed this about 2 weeks ago- funny how things all come into line) to a different man's name. I changed his contact phone numbers to my own cellphone number (which my wife never calls), so it might be interesting to see if she tries to make phone calls to OM while at work this week.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2008
Sun, 01-18-2009 - 10:21pm

Just want to say to hang tough. My H started up with OW again shortly after dday#1 when I was getting into trust mode again so I understand your pain finding out there is to be a dday#2. On dday#2