H had a one nighter 8 yrs ago, just foun

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2010
H had a one nighter 8 yrs ago, just foun
5
Fri, 05-21-2010 - 4:21pm
My husband and I have been married for 12 years. 8 years ago we had a real rocky point in our marriage, but we got through it. Well over these 8 years a lot has happened, hubby lost job, 2 children, 2 moves...and in these 8 years my husband hasn't really seemed himself since he lost his job 7 years ago. His moods were always so up and down. Recently he really seemed distant and my gut was telling me something just isn't right here so I kept pushing and pushing to see what was going on. I finally got it out of him one night. He wrote me a letter and read it to me...8 years ago at a out of town work conference he slept with a colleague one night. He said he had a lot to drink and felt horrible the next morning. He said that he regrets everything that happened and never had a relationship with this woman. I guess she was married too and both had a lot to drink that night. My hubby told me when this happened and sure enough it was the time when we were going through a rough time. I know there is no excuse smooth or rough times in the marriage but it puts my mind at ease a little to know when it was. He said over the years he has become more ashamed with himself and would often distant himself from me and over the years it has gotten worse. He has built a strong faith with God over the years and that is why I believe he finally told me and brought peace for himself too. When this happened we did not have children yet and had been married for 4 years. There is a little part of me that makes things a little better because I didn't have children yet when he did this. To know that he has kept this in for 8 years makes me sick. I know that he didn't have to tell me but I am having a real hard time dealing with this! I never thought he would do such a thing to me, I'm sure most women think that. We have gone to counseling but I find the counselors start bringing up our childhood years and behaviors of our parents. I just want advice on how to heal. Its been 4 months now since I found out. When I found out there was relief because I have felt for years hubby just hasn't been himself but I am angry because the burden he has had for 8 years is now lifted and put on me, ugh!!!I have shared this info with my mom , sister and best friend. Like we all say time will only tell what will happen. There are days when I'm fine but MANY days they are full of sadness and hurt. I love him and we have 2 children together so how do I get through this. I need some really good books to read or strategies, something! I want to believe that he would never do this to me again but I never thought he would ever do it in the first place. Our minister has told us that this can make us stronger and I agree I just need to find a way to get through the hurt and find healing. I pray but I need more. I keep telling myself my hubby didn't have to tell me this, was it a good idea that he did? I think so because over the years with his mood changes and fighting we have done if he wouldn't had told me we may have been on the road to divorce. Need help with healing and forgiveness.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2010
Fri, 05-21-2010 - 6:14pm
Its always good when someone is honest. I know it's hard. But it's fresh only for you - and he is and has been remorseful - is he a good H, good father and good man? Try counseling and look up the books to read here - they help too - if you can't find them, I'll type up the list I have - it's long, and I'm not done yet, a year later of reading every day, but it helps... hang in there. I'm so sorry you have to be here too ...
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2007
Wed, 05-26-2010 - 9:29pm

verytorn,


i can feel your pain thru your writing and offer my two cents.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2010
Wed, 05-26-2010 - 10:45pm
Thank you for the 2 responses. My husband is very patient and is doing what he can to get me through this. He wishes he could take the pain away from me and he knows it will take a long time. Today I am having a really bad day. I've cried like 3 times today, so I am ready to goto bed and start a new day tomorrow. I wish there were more responses too. Both of you asked what my H is like as a husband. Well, I can tell you that we did marry young, so in love you know :) I was 23 and he was 26. H was very much into himself, also wrapped up in a sport trying to succeed in his job, the focus was really all about him. Since we have had children (6 years now), he has changed. Very much involved and truly the best father ever! The focus is not at all about him anymore and hasn't been for a long time. He has been very involved in church for the last 8 years so that is why I believe and he has actually told me why he told me the news. It's a way to put things in the past and move forward. It's our 13 year anniv. this weekend so I am going to try and enjoy the day the best I can. I am just starting to not like myself...grumpy, impatient with the kids, depressed, and lazy! I want my old self back. I just need some strategies and good advice as to how to find forgiveness and move forward. Thanks for the post, I needed to write alittle to take the sadness away.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
Fri, 05-28-2010 - 12:20am
Alcohol makes people do incredible, tragic things. It makes people behave in manners in which they would NEVER do sober. It makes you lose your inhibitions, your rational self, your morals, your values. I think you need to understand that when he did this, he was not himself. He was under the influence of a VERY powerful drug. And one which most of society fails to recognize IS a drug. Actually, it's one of the most deadly, damaging, destructive drugs there is. It kills people, literally kills people every day. Accidents, murders, heart attacks, strokes, liver failure, all sorts of cancers and physical ailments. THIS is what was in your husband when he did what he did. For this reason, and because you love him and he has never done it again in all these years, I think you have to forgive him. He was possessed.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2009
Fri, 05-28-2010 - 1:27pm
verytorn...WOW your story sounds just like mine...i could have written it myself unfortunatly. We've been M 17 yrs and have 2 girls. The night b/4 Halloween last year I found out about my H ONS while he was deployed in the military. He too was drunk and says it has never happened since (except for a suspected EA while he was out of town last summer, but he has yet to admit that one) The EA is actually what I confronted him about when he dropped the bomb about the ONS 5 years ago!! I completely understand your devistation & confussion. Have you seen the video "Forgive" by Rebecca Lynn Howard? OMG it completely describes what I felt that night. I am not advocating medication, but I had to see my Dr. about an anti-depressant becuz I just could not function or stop crying. I've been on it for several months now and it has greatly helped me get through the days and nights and pulled me out of my "fog" that I was in for awhile. Its just a suggestion for you. I dont want to be on meds forever, but for right now it helps me see things more clearly. My H too is very remorseful, understanding of my needs, and is more than willing to do the hard, dirty work required if we are going to stay together. We are seeing a MC, both together and separately. Every day I wake up and the first thing I remind myself now is that out of our 20 years together, this is the ONE black mark on his record. He has been a wonderful dad to our girls, a wonderful son to his parents and my best friend for all these years. I dont know how old your kids are now, but I have a tween who has yet to start relationships with boys. They do not know about any of this, because like another poster mentioned, when the dust settles others will forever hold this against him long after you have forgiven him. I dont want my kids to see their father in this light and I worry about what I will be teaching them about forgiveness if I leave him now. We both decided that we owe it to our kids to give rebuilding our 100 % effort. One of my favorite sayings that I try to remember and am struggling to teach my kids is: " I would rather try and fail than fail to try". I think you owe it to you and to your H to be very honest about how you are feeling, this is a huge rollercoaster ride and you never quite know if you are going to be on the uphill or the downhill! sorry for such a long post!! I also have a website that I go to frequently called Beyondaffairs.com. There are many articles on it by a couple who have gone through this themselves. When this all first happened to us, I made him leave for a week. Yes he was miserable without the comforts of home and being with his family. But then HIS mother pointed out to me that it is actually harder on them to be with you EVERY SINGLE DAY and see the pain they have caused you.
~How people treat you is their karma, how you react is yours~