H played me good... deserves award -LONG

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2006
H played me good... deserves award -LONG
10
Wed, 01-14-2009 - 2:23am

Hello all,


I've been a long time lurker on these boards, but definitely never thought there would come a time when I would be here sharing my story.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2006
Thu, 01-15-2009 - 12:25am

Hello all,


Just want to thank everyone again for their replies and responses.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2008
Wed, 01-14-2009 - 11:51pm

Your situation reminds me of mine in some ways. I'm not even sure where to start with this - your situation may actually turn out quite different than mine, but just in case, I don't want you to be blind-sided like I was, so please at least consider what I say.

First off, I find it very difficult to believe that nothing physical ever happened in all these encounters. Again, this is from my biased perspective.

One red flag that leads me to think that way was that it wasn't just these co-workers that were a problem, but also the web-cams and various web sites, etc. It is hard to believe that with all those possible opportunities, nothing ever happened. On the other hand, your H may have a boundary there in place that led him to never take it that far.

In my case, my H had a secret life what included a lot of pornography, chatting, IMing, and other various forms of flirting as well as flat out physical encounters.

I first found out about a relatively minor incident (a flirtation which never came to anything physical), and he thought he could still keep a lid on everything else, so he continued to lie and told me point blank that nothing else had happened with other women.

For four months I questioned what had led to this incident, and we had lots of "honest" conversations, but I continued to search.

I eventually found evidence of a PA. When I confronted my H, he realized that the lies were over and the secret life was uncovered. Luckily he had an epiphany and realized that the only way to keep me was to confess everything. Over the course of a week or so he told me all about the things he had done off and on over 21 years of marriage.

I was in shock for a long time. I hardly remember anything from those first few weeks and have no idea how I managed to go to work and keep my kids fed and clothed.

I understand about the continuing to discover new things. That is really, really difficult. You start to feel like maybe it will never end. Hopefully you reach a point where there is nothing new to find out about, but (at least for me right now 14 months after d-day) you still wonder if you will discover something new.

IMHO, it is very important that you find out WHY your H felt the need to flirt around with these women. He may not admit that it was flirting, but really isn't that what it is.

I also think that he must come to a point where he admits what he did was wrong and be willing to disclose everything to you. Without that admission, there can be no remorse, no repentance, and no recovery.

One very practical thing I did when my H was trying to tell me that something was no big deal or that one particular woman (he was also having an EA while all this was going on) was "just a friend" was turn it around and ask him how he would feel in my situation. I did this in detail such as "How would you feel if I sent a guy a text message that said "I miss you." It was very hard for him to continue his denial when it was spelled out like that. (Really, how would he react if you were buying cologne or a laptop case for a man "friend" of yours?)

Lastly, step lightly, you are probably going to face a lot of defensiveness as you go through this and there is a fine line between asserting your boundaries and getting answers met and pushing so hard that more walls go up.

I wish you the best. Please keep us posted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2008
Wed, 01-14-2009 - 8:35pm

Isabelly-don't forget that these affairs are a coed sport.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2009
Wed, 01-14-2009 - 7:01pm
Keep in mind that even if you check his email daily and credit card reciepts, these are only the ones you know about.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2008
Wed, 01-14-2009 - 3:54pm
If you really want her ot go away and not mess with your H, tell her H what you found and let him explore her expenses and things-----you assume her H knows and is okay with her receiving gifts from another man? I doubt
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2006
Wed, 01-14-2009 - 12:00pm

Thank you all for your kind words.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2007
Wed, 01-14-2009 - 11:41am

Great job in confronting him! You're really together and will come through this just find.


First, make sure you look through all those receipts and put them in a very safe place.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2007
Wed, 01-14-2009 - 10:14am

First and foremost, I am so terribly sorry.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2009
Wed, 01-14-2009 - 8:10am

First of all take care of yourself. You don't want to get sick or lose weight over this. It will take a long time to work out your emotions. Don't make any snap decisions right away. In fact, it will take a long time to decide how you actually do feel about this guy and how you want to proceed. So relax and give no definitive answers about how to proceed, think about things.

.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 01-14-2009 - 7:17am

I can understand your anger at the coworker, but it is, of course, your H who is responsible to you for overstepping professional boundaries.