He Claims It Isn't Adultery

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2008
He Claims It Isn't Adultery
Mon, 04-06-2009 - 6:23pm

Married 30 years, one teenager.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Mon, 04-06-2009 - 6:33pm
Different people have different opinions.


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2008
Mon, 04-06-2009 - 7:30pm

Geez he helped you move out, how noble of him, guess his conscience is clear.

You are married, it is adultery sure as the nose on his face.

You are right to assume it was going on before you moved out.

I am sorry for your pain and heartbreak, which must be so great because of his obvious desire to let a 30 year marriage die.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Mon, 04-06-2009 - 10:51pm


i have been married for 32 years to a man who has cheated many times. while i know, truly i do, how much it hurts he has shown you the type of human being he is BELIEVE HIM.

sooner or later somewhere down the road he is going to realize what he let slip thru his fingers YOU. but, by then you will have healed and begun your new life.

have faith in you, trust in yourself. now is YOUR time, good riddance to bad rubbish as my grandmother use to say.

in answer to your question YES IT WAS ADULTERY> he knows that, but that is what they do they deflect back on to you. they try and make you believe you are crazy and that they are in the right. DO NOT LISTEN TO THAT NONSENSE.

i would begin the process of divorce, if that is what he wants, do not allow yourself to be held hostage.

good luck to you

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2009
Tue, 04-07-2009 - 9:37am
it is adultery and he is trying to manipulate you and minimize what he did. dont fall for it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2009
Tue, 04-07-2009 - 10:59am

Marie...Let me throw down the flag..It is adultery. No ifs, ands or buts...I don't know why you moved out but the question is what do you do with the rest of your life?

He did not hit the jackpot. He is sitting there with fool's gold. Looks pretty, shines nice but when scratch beyond the surface it is nothing more that useless junk. Sooner or later they all wake up.

My stbx-w had her "aha" moment a few weeks ago. She moved out to LA and was out with her 2 cousins. They were all complaining about how bad "men" were. Why the two of them couldn't find a nice normal guy, one that would not cheat...I guess they finally figured out that she was the wondering spouse but then the damage had been done. One of her cousins had told her shw was nuts and that she was going to find that guys don't want to be cheaters....

Keep your chin up...


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2009
Tue, 04-07-2009 - 1:17pm
marie, I'm so sorry that your H has apparently decided he wants out and now he's going to let you conveniently provide him an excuse to carry on in the open.

"If something cannot go on forever, it will stop."  Herb Stein

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 04-07-2009 - 1:19pm

Sadly it is not at all unusual for the adultererto lie or minimize in order to make what he/she did look less horrific.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2007
Tue, 04-07-2009 - 1:51pm

Hi marie-

I think a lot of them spend quite a bit of time when they are in the early stages where they are contemplating an affair, trying to come up with things they can tell THEMSELVES so they can try to feel like it's OK to go through with it. They try to find something to justify it so they can give themselves permission to do it. And often, I think by the time the BS (betrayed spouse) knows, they have a quick excuse to give because they've been in that frame of mind for awhile already. A frame of mind where they've been DELUDING THEMSELVES. Being on this side of it, I think the "trick" is to not let them suck you into that warped line of thinking. Don't let them shake you from what you know in your gut to be true.

So I'm going to say it too- yes, it IS adultery.

And when they refuse to talk about it? I also think a lot of that is because they don't want to think about the fact that they've done something so rotten and low-down.

Now on that part of it, where you said yours won't discuss the marriage, and he acts like he doesn't care. I was separated from my H for 7 months while he continued an affair, and I went through something like that with mine. I found that if I tried to say that he had and was doing something wrong, he tried all the harder to DEFEND himself, and would argue his lame excuses even harder. Or at the least, he would say things that only further upset or angered me. What "worked" better for me was when I stopped going into any detail about WHY what he had done was wrong, and when I stopped trying to get him to admit to me or agree with me that he was doing something wrong. I instead started acting like it was a simple fact that he had done something wrong (and it WAS), and I stopped listening to anything he had to say about it anymore. He would try to give me an excuse, and I would just say, "I don't want to hear it. You and I both know the truth". Once I stopped letting him sway me at all, he stopped trying to sway me. And once I stopped listening, he couldn't hurt me with his words anymore.

And I also found eventually, that every time I was the one to bring up the marriage to HIM, it was setting myself up to be in a position where he could "reject" me again. So I stopped bringing it up to him.

And something else came out of that, where I can only "see" it now because I'm looking back on it- as long as I was still trying to talk to him about the marriage, it was sending him the message that I was still there as an OPTION for him if he were to ever change his mind. He wasn't seeing it as throwing away anything or losing anything, because I was still THERE when he wanted me to be, and because he thought that he could always come back if and when ever he might want to. Somehow he just didn't seem to believe that I would really go on without him and be JUST FINE.

So here's what I often suggest to a lot of BSs here. Restrict and cut your contact with your H to where you are only speaking with him about matters that are absolutely necessary, like the children. And when you do speak, keep it businesslike and avoid discussing anything "personal" whatsoever. Don't ask him about those kinds of things, and don't tell him about what YOU are doing either, because it's none of his business. YOU take control and set the boundaries for the contact between you.

I did this myself, and I've seen a lot of others do it here. It's not easy to do by any means, but it does get a little "easier" and comes more naturally with practice, and I know it helped me and a lot of others here too. Sometimes it bursts their little bubble (not always, but sometimes), but at the very least it helps you to minimize some of the pain and aggravation they cause you.

With the property issues... it does seem to be true that nowadays adultery doesn't seem to make any difference legally with the division of assets. But what I think can make a difference is if you have an attorney that not only "knows their stuff", but will also FIGHT for you. So maybe it would be worth thinking about whether you think this attorney would really fight for you or not, and if not, look for another one.

And I also agree with the poster that said your H is not winning a jackpot- he's losing a big one, and is just being too dumb right now to see it yet.

((HUGS)), and I am truly so sorry for all you're going through. I hope you will keep posting, because there are a lot of people here that really do understand what this is like.


Val                                   &n

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008
Tue, 04-07-2009 - 6:08pm

He made a life long promise to you. He didn't tell you it was over so you could get on with your life and not be treated like a fool by your trusted mate... Hell yes it is adultery.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2008
Tue, 04-07-2009 - 8:30pm

To everyone who has responded I want to thank you for your words of encouragement.