he didn't cheat but I feel betrayed (please don't judge, just need a place to work out my feelings)
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|Thu, 05-29-2014 - 6:34pm|
So I feel betrayed though my husband hasn't cheated on me so I hope this is okay to post here...I know that being phsycially cheated on would be unimaginable so I'm not comparing myself to your situation.. I noticed that my husband of 9 years, together for 13 years, have 3 kids under age 5... was being secretive with the ipad for awhile, and his cell phone, for a long time I noticed it but I always dismissed my gut instincts because it is just SO not in his character to be looking at porn or anything of that nature. He knows how opposed I am to that sort of thing and though I had never specifically said it wasn't an option in our marriage he knows me well enough to know that it wouldn't be ok, I've talked about it in general and my opposition to it... I waited until I was married to have sex and he had been with 4 other people before me. So yes that was a little hard for me to over come just because I knew he would naturally compare me to them and I had nothing to compare it to so I felt awkward and stupid even trying to be "sexy" or whatever just because I was the "virgin"...and it seemed out of my character to be all into sex like I'm sure his ex's were because I had never done it... anyway back to the point- I decided to take off the private browsing and then checked his computer the next day and found all kinds of porn sites...definitely a punch to the gut, shock...though I did have a feeling it would be there. I confronted him a few months ago, days after I saw it because I couldn't hide how pissed I was at him and he lied/denied all that stuff and finally after just totally shutting down myself he almost cried and admitted it to me and then tried to blame me because I wasn't having sex with him enough (which he has NEVER EVER said or brought up to me before) and I had just had a baby a few months before by the way... So after we went around and around he did end up admitting it wasn't okay, considering he had been hiding it for me, now I know, for our entire relationship..and that's where the betrayel comes in... first of all I had no idea he would ever be or need to look at other naked women outside of our marriage to get off...we had long talks about this before we got married and me waiting to have sex I didn't want to be with a guy like that but one who really only need "one" woman and he was adament he was like that...but now come to find out he actually only meant, as long as he could jerk off and fantasize about thousands of other videos of naked women behind my back...I'm just not okay with that at all... so before anyone says the whole, I'm just insecure thing, I totally disagree with that opinion because I am actually a very confident women and I feel that is why I had the confidence to wait for the right guy, the confidence to confront my husband and not stand for being disrespected by him thinking he can look at other women when we made vows against it...it's not okay...and I'm sure if the tables were turned and I told him I had to look at other men and fantasize about them to get off, he'd have a serious problem with that. SO anyway we have been working through it and I have been trying to trust him again so I just said basicially for a month I didn't want him to have his phone in the bed or anytime of internet near him while in bed so that I wouldn't constant wonder what he was looking at...he agreed no problem and also agreed and said he didn't need to look at that stuff and had no problem stopping... and that I was all he needed as long as we had sex 2 times a week, I've keep logs and made sure we've had sex 3 times a week since then and all has been ok if not better... we just recently have been going through some huge life transitions, moved twice, signed a contract to buy a house, it's been insane to say the least...and the phone thing I slowly let go but I have been checking histories etc here and there to just check up that he's being someone I can trust...well I noticed first of all that he has probably just figured out how to hide it better so I can't prove he's looked at porn again but I did see that he's looked up his ex girlfriends on FB on two separate occassions!!!! WTF?! All at 1 am times and once was on the day we signed the contract for our new home...wtf? I just don't get it....this has NEVER been an issue and he's never seen or spoken to them since I've known him... and he knows that I've always been uncomfortable and had a hard time getting over that he'd had sex with other people... now he's looking them up on FB?! Really? So I can only assume now that I've taken the porn away he's now looking up pictures of them to get off or to fantasize about while we have sex...I don't know....I confrotned him and he denied it for a second and then said it was just out of curiosity and I called BS and he's obivously wanting to look at pics of them for a reason....he denys...I can't talk to anyone about this because it'd be too embarrassing and they'd all hate him because it's so not like him and everyone thinks we have this perfect relationship because we've always been so in love and best friends...now I just can't even look at him and have no idea how I can ever have sex with him again after this? It seriously makes me sick to think about being intimate with him and now the thought of him even being alone with women co-workers, getting a massage (one of his porn video fantasies), it just changes my perspective on how I see men...because he's so not like that, that to find out he is that way...it's like I see people getting their engagement pics and I want to say, you know he's just jerking off to other women every night right? And I used to think I could gage whether or not a girl was attracted you know like a pretty girl walks in the room and you're just kind of aware, like oh great I'm sure my husband notices that girl...but now I realize no it's ANY girl, they don't have a type, it's any girl that has a decent body basically...there's no type, they'd have sex with anything that breaths... I guess I just have a very different outlook on what sex means to me and what it's supposed to be about than he does...but he knew that about me from the beginning... anyway I'm infuriated... why is this happening? why is he doing this to us, causing all these trust issues...life and marriage is hard enough why add in more issues like this? Anyway...just to say a little about how we are, I'm the kind of person that wakes up happily married every single day, even when I'm mad at him I am always thankful that I married him and happy to have him in my life...I love my life, my kids everything...He's my best friend....and then I find out he looks at videos of other naked women pretending he's having sex with them and looking at pictures of his ex girlfriends from highschool and college..really? Who is he? What do I do?!?!? How do I get past this? AGAIN I really understand and know that this is NOTHING compared to finding out your husband has had an actual affair...can't even fathom that...this is bad enough as it is.. Thanks for listening out there....