he didn't cheat but I feel betrayed (please don't judge, just need a place to work out my feelings)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2014
he didn't cheat but I feel betrayed (please don't judge, just need a place to work out my feelings)
17
Thu, 05-29-2014 - 6:34pm

So I feel betrayed though my husband hasn't cheated on me so I hope this is okay to post here...I know that being phsycially cheated on would be unimaginable so I'm not comparing myself to your situation.. I noticed that my husband of 9 years, together for 13 years, have 3 kids under age 5... was being secretive with the ipad for awhile, and his cell phone, for a long time I noticed it but I always dismissed my gut instincts because it is just SO not in his character to be looking at porn or anything of that nature. He knows how opposed I am to that sort of thing and though I had never specifically said it wasn't an option in our marriage he knows me well enough to know that it wouldn't be ok, I've talked about it in general and my opposition to it... I waited until I was married to have sex and he had been with 4 other people before me. So yes that was a little hard for me to over come just because I knew he would naturally compare me to them and I had nothing to compare it to so I felt awkward and stupid even trying to be "sexy" or whatever just because I was the "virgin"...and it seemed out of my character to be all into sex like I'm sure his ex's were because I had never done it... anyway back to the point- I decided to take off the private browsing and then checked his computer the next day and found all kinds of porn sites...definitely a punch to the gut, shock...though I did have a feeling it would be there.  I confronted him a few months ago, days after I saw it because I couldn't hide how pissed I was at him and he lied/denied all that stuff and finally after just totally shutting down myself he almost cried and admitted it to me and then tried to blame me because I wasn't having sex with him enough (which he has NEVER EVER said or brought up to me before) and I had just had a baby a few months before by the way... So after we went around and around he did end up admitting it wasn't okay, considering he had been hiding it for me, now I know, for our entire relationship..and that's where the betrayel comes in... first of all I had no idea he would ever be or need to look at other naked women outside of our marriage to get off...we had long talks about this before we got married and me waiting to have sex I didn't want to be with a guy like that but one who really only need "one" woman and he was adament he was like that...but now come to find out he actually only meant, as long as he could jerk off and fantasize about thousands of other videos of naked women behind my back...I'm just not okay with that at all...  so before anyone says the whole, I'm just insecure thing, I totally disagree with that opinion because I am actually a very confident women and I feel that is why I had the confidence to wait for the right guy, the confidence to confront my husband and not stand for being disrespected by him thinking he can look at other women when we made vows against it...it's not okay...and I'm sure if the tables were turned and I told him I had to look at other men and fantasize about them to get off, he'd have a serious problem with that.  SO anyway we have been working through it and I have been trying to trust him again so I just said basicially for a month I didn't want him to have his phone in the bed or anytime of internet near him while in bed so that I wouldn't constant wonder what he was looking at...he agreed no problem and also agreed and said he didn't need to look at that stuff and had no problem stopping... and that I was all he needed as long as we had sex  2 times a week, I've keep logs and made sure we've had sex 3 times a week since then and all has been ok if not better... we just recently have been going through some huge life transitions, moved twice, signed a contract to buy a house, it's been insane to say the least...and the phone thing I slowly let go but I have been checking histories etc here and there to just check up that he's being someone I can trust...well I noticed first of all that he has probably just figured out how to hide it better so I can't prove he's looked at porn again but I did see that he's looked up his ex girlfriends on FB on two separate occassions!!!! WTF?! All at 1 am times and once was on the day we signed the contract for our new home...wtf?  I just don't get it....this has NEVER been an issue and he's never seen or spoken to them since I've known him... and he knows that I've always been uncomfortable and had a hard time getting over that he'd had sex with other people... now he's looking them up on FB?! Really?  So I can only assume now that I've taken the porn away he's now looking up pictures of them to get off or to fantasize about while we have sex...I don't know....I confrotned him and he denied it for a second and then said it was just out of curiosity and I called BS and he's obivously wanting to look at pics of them for a reason....he denys...I can't talk to anyone about this because it'd be too embarrassing and they'd all hate him because it's so not like him and everyone thinks we have this perfect relationship because we've always been so in love and best friends...now I just can't even look at him and have no idea how I can ever have sex with him again after this?  It seriously makes me sick to think about being intimate with him and now the thought of him even being alone with women co-workers, getting a massage (one of his porn video fantasies), it just changes my perspective on how I see men...because he's so not like that, that to find out he is that way...it's like I see people getting their engagement pics and I want to say, you know he's just jerking off to other women every night right?  And I used to think I could gage whether or not a girl was attracted you know like a pretty girl walks in the room and you're just kind of aware, like oh great I'm sure my husband notices that girl...but now I realize no it's ANY girl, they don't have a type, it's any girl that has a decent body basically...there's no type, they'd have sex with anything that breaths... I guess I just have a very different outlook on what sex means to me and what it's supposed to be about than he does...but he knew that about me from the beginning... anyway I'm infuriated...  why is this happening?  why is he doing this to us, causing all these trust issues...life and marriage is hard enough why add in more issues like this?   Anyway...just to say a little about how we are, I'm the kind of person that wakes up happily married every single day, even when I'm mad at him I am always thankful that I married him and happy to have him in my life...I love my life, my kids everything...He's my best friend....and then I find out he looks at videos of other naked women pretending he's having sex with them and looking at pictures of his ex girlfriends from highschool and college..really? Who is he? What do I do?!?!?  How do I get past this?  AGAIN I really understand and know that this is NOTHING compared to finding out your husband has had an actual affair...can't even fathom that...this is bad enough as it is.. Thanks for listening out there.... 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010

I'm thinking that your H accepts that you have certain views about sex but doesn't necessarily agree with them or want to have those views as his own. And I think you are making some assumptions which might not be correct. First you "know" that your H would compare you to his past gf's. Did he tell you that? I don't agree....he might just think that each one was different, not necessarily better or worse because the relationship and love have a lot to do with how fulfilling the sex can be. You think that when your H views porn that he is imagining himself having sex with those women. Again, did he tell you that? Is it possible that just seeing other people doing the acts turns him on enough and he doesn't have to imagine that he's one of the partners? Or maybe he's imagining your face on the porn actress? And then the assumption that looking up old gf's on FB means he wants to masturbate to their photos? Could he just be curious about what happened to them but looks them up when you're asleep because if you saw what he was doing you would get upset? And you kind of lumped your H in with men that will have sex "with anything that breathes" which is probably very unfair.

Just wondering but you and he dated for 4 years before marriage with no sex. Did you guys do "everything but"? How did he take care of his sexual urges in those years? Would you care if he masturbated if he didn't use porn? There seems to be a lot of stressful things going on in your lives right now, maybe this is the way he releases stress?

You may be confident in many areas of your life but you sound insecure about sex and the sexual part of your relationship. You said it was out of your character to be into sex because you were a virgin....but a virgin can try it and like it, and get into it. Have you thought about doing any of the things from the porn with your H, you be the porn star? You've had 9 years to get good at sex, to get into it, to get beyond being jealous of his past gf's (he's still with YOU, right?)

I don't know why he's doing this, only he can explain that to you (if he knows that you'll listen without judging). My first suggestion would be to talk to him about why and how the porn turns him on and if sex with you could do the same thing. If he won't have that conversation, or he feels he needs a release from an image that's not his wife, or you are not willing to do those things then it might require a counselor to help you two find an understanding.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I am not totally against looking at porn--I have watched adult movies w/ my ex to add a little excitement into the marriage.  That was with my 1st DH.  My 2nd DH had no interest in looking at any porn becaise it just didn't interest him.  I do think it's unfair that your DH tried to pin it on you like "we don't have sex enough."  I think it has nothing to do with you or how often you have sex.  Some men just like to look at porn and it has nothing to do with not loving you or thinking you are inadequate.  You tried to impose your will on him and he probably went along with it for a while but it doesn't sound like a decision that he agreed with, more like you told him what to do.

I think that first of all you have to get over the fact that he had sex with other women before you.  I had sex with other men before my 1st DH and I wasn't comparing him with them.  I hardly ever thought about them.  I'm sure that if you had 3 kids, and have been married 9 years, that by now you have learned how to have sex and satisfy each other.  The fact that he looked up old GFs on FAcebook really means nothing.  It doesn't mean that he wants to have sex with them, wants to meet them or fantasizes about them--you are just jumping to conclusions based on your insecurity.  

I think you should think about it like this--have you ever seen a movie or TV show and thought that an actor was hot?  Have you ever fantasized about having sex with someone else?  Does that mean that you love your DH any less?  I think that men are usually into porn more than women are but it's basically the same thing.  I think you are having a pretty extreme reaction here thinking that you don't even want to have sex with him.  I do think you need to talk this out honestly and not judge him.  Right now you are acting like his mom or his boss by censoring him and checking up on him--I don't think that's going to be good for your marriage.  I could understand doing this with a guy who has actually cheated or is sending inappropriate messages to real women that he knows, but not for watching porn.  If you find that you can't resolve it yourselves, then go to a counselor to get help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008

Both Remdamma and Music have a lot of good points. 

I just want to add I would much rather be with someone who had a number of girlfriends before me than a virgin.  At least he has been there, done that, and knows what he wants; and less of a chance of regret and wondering "what else is out there". 

Once I dated a commercial photographer who worked with gorgeous half-naked models all the time shooting magazine spreads.  At first I felt a little bit insecure, worrying that he would compare me to those women with perfect bodies. Then I figured if he wanted one of them, he would be with one of them and not me!  We broke up later, but had nothing to do with cheating.

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999

Masturbation is normal.. Looking at porn, as long as it is not child porn, snuff films, etc, or a 24/7 addiction, is normal also.  Neither of these activities betrays you in any way.   You are also blowing this way out of proportion, on top of making unfounded assumptions--beginning with your assumption that your husband had no normal sexual urges.  You obviously have misconceptions and insecurities about sexual behavior, and your husband obviously has problems with your feelings.  Individual and couples marriage counseling is a MUST, if you don't want to lose your husband.   

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

Reading your post, and the replies........I have to agree with the answers you've gotten.  You are making a mountain out of a molehill.  You are assuming so many things that are probably not true at all.  You assume he's compared you sexually to other women that came before you, and that's highly unlikely.  A man doesn't marry a woman because of sex, obviously, because your husband married without having sex first.  He respected your wishes.  Because you never experienced being with another man, you don't understand that the sexual part of a relationship actually depends on all the other parts of a relationship.  Meaning, if he didn't LOVE you, he wouldn't have married you.  What is or was your hangup about sex?  Have you ever actually enjoyed sex?  Not only having orgasms (do you?) but just plain enjoyed getting down and dirty with the man you say you love?  I have a feeling the answer to that is NO.  I think you have sex with him because you think it's your wifely duty, nothing more.  Have you ever initiated sex with him?  Have you ever asked him to try new positions?  Have YOU ever given him a massage?  If that's one of his fantasies, then why don't you get some oil and give the man a massage?  Most men like sex!  Simple as that.  They also like something different and exciting once in a while.........NOT a woman who says "ok, it's your third time this week".....and checks it off on the calendar.....which is about the same as saying "well, I don't have to do that again until next week".  A man likes a woman who not only enjoys sex, but even initiates it occasionally.  A man likes to feel like his woman WANTS him.  Your man isn't feeling like that, so he turns to porn for an outlet.  And how do you know he's imagining being with those women......maybe he's imagining being with YOU because that's where he'd rather be.  Why didn't he tell you he wasn't getting enough and ask for more?  Maybe because he senses you're not all that interested, and you're not really enjoying it when you do allow it.  Maybe if you were a more active participant he'd enjoy YOU more and not want to look at porn.  I don't know why you have an attitude about sex, or you feel inferior to women in his past.  If they'd been so great, maybe he would have married them!  Is it a religious thing?  Was sex treated as something nasty but necessary by your Mother?  I think a big part of your husband's problem is the fact that he doesn't feel that he's satisfying you, so he'll look at porn rather than "bothering" you.  I think the two of you could probably use some marriage counseling because it's obvious you're not talking to each other to solve the problems you have.  This is not only HIS problem, it's a marriage problem involving both of you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

Reading your post, and the replies........I have to agree with the answers you've gotten.  You are making a mountain out of a molehill.  You are assuming so many things that are probably not true at all.  You assume he's compared you sexually to other women that came before you, and that's highly unlikely.  A man doesn't marry a woman because of sex, obviously, because your husband married without having sex first.  He respected your wishes.  Because you never experienced being with another man, you don't understand that the sexual part of a relationship actually depends on all the other parts of a relationship.  Meaning, if he didn't LOVE you, he wouldn't have married you.  What is or was your hangup about sex?  Have you ever actually enjoyed sex?  Not only having orgasms (do you?) but just plain enjoyed getting down and dirty with the man you say you love?  I have a feeling the answer to that is NO.  I think you have sex with him because you think it's your wifely duty, nothing more.  Have you ever initiated sex with him?  Have you ever asked him to try new positions?  Have YOU ever given him a massage?  If that's one of his fantasies, then why don't you get some oil and give the man a massage?  Most men like sex!  Simple as that.  They also like something different and exciting once in a while.........NOT a woman who says "ok, it's your third time this week".....and checks it off on the calendar.....which is about the same as saying "well, I don't have to do that again until next week".  A man likes a woman who not only enjoys sex, but even initiates it occasionally.  A man likes to feel like his woman WANTS him.  Your man isn't feeling like that, so he turns to porn for an outlet.  And how do you know he's imagining being with those women......maybe he's imagining being with YOU because that's where he'd rather be.  Why didn't he tell you he wasn't getting enough and ask for more?  Maybe because he senses you're not all that interested, and you're not really enjoying it when you do allow it.  Maybe if you were a more active participant he'd enjoy YOU more and not want to look at porn.  I don't know why you have an attitude about sex, or you feel inferior to women in his past.  If they'd been so great, maybe he would have married them!  Is it a religious thing?  Was sex treated as something nasty but necessary by your Mother?  I think a big part of your husband's problem is the fact that he doesn't feel that he's satisfying you, so he'll look at porn rather than "bothering" you.  I think the two of you could probably use some marriage counseling because it's obvious you're not talking to each other to solve the problems you have.  This is not only HIS problem, it's a marriage problem involving both of you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

Reading your post, and the replies........I have to agree with the answers you've gotten.  You are making a mountain out of a molehill.  You are assuming so many things that are probably not true at all.  You assume he's compared you sexually to other women that came before you, and that's highly unlikely.  A man doesn't marry a woman because of sex, obviously, because your husband married without having sex first.  He respected your wishes.  Because you never experienced being with another man, you don't understand that the sexual part of a relationship actually depends on all the other parts of a relationship.  Meaning, if he didn't LOVE you, he wouldn't have married you.  What is or was your hangup about sex?  Have you ever actually enjoyed sex?  Not only having orgasms (do you?) but just plain enjoyed getting down and dirty with the man you say you love?  I have a feeling the answer to that is NO.  I think you have sex with him because you think it's your wifely duty, nothing more.  Have you ever initiated sex with him?  Have you ever asked him to try new positions?  Have YOU ever given him a massage?  If that's one of his fantasies, then why don't you get some oil and give the man a massage?  Most men like sex!  Simple as that.  They also like something different and exciting once in a while.........NOT a woman who says "ok, it's your third time this week".....and checks it off on the calendar.....which is about the same as saying "well, I don't have to do that again until next week".  A man likes a woman who not only enjoys sex, but even initiates it occasionally.  A man likes to feel like his woman WANTS him.  Your man isn't feeling like that, so he turns to porn for an outlet.  And how do you know he's imagining being with those women......maybe he's imagining being with YOU because that's where he'd rather be.  Why didn't he tell you he wasn't getting enough and ask for more?  Maybe because he senses you're not all that interested, and you're not really enjoying it when you do allow it.  Maybe if you were a more active participant he'd enjoy YOU more and not want to look at porn.  I don't know why you have an attitude about sex, or you feel inferior to women in his past.  If they'd been so great, maybe he would have married them!  Is it a religious thing?  Was sex treated as something nasty but necessary by your Mother?  I think a big part of your husband's problem is the fact that he doesn't feel that he's satisfying you, so he'll look at porn rather than "bothering" you.  I think the two of you could probably use some marriage counseling because it's obvious you're not talking to each other to solve the problems you have.  This is not only HIS problem, it's a marriage problem involving both of you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008

you make sense

he is not as invested in the relationship as you are and does not see or understand the beauty/intmacy/hot sex-love that can be accomplished with more respect between you 

my husband also did these things and cheated - after years of denial he finally told me the truth 

porn is his way to imagine being with other women its as simple as what you think it is 

he finally admitted it to me and himself and now attempts to focus on me and my pics

after all the lying and cheating porn is a cakewalk it got to the point where if that was all I had to worry about I was lucky

don't take it so personally and don't buy the excuses - stay confident and work on your higher conciousness that is all you can do anyway

peace and love to you

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008

"you make sense

he is not as invested in the relationship as you are and does not see or understand the beauty/intmacy/hot sex-love that can be accomplished with more respect between you

don't take it so personally and don't buy the excuses - stay confident and work on your higher conciousness that is all you can do anyway"

Huh?!!! Undecided

There are other very viable things that the OP can do other than "work on higher conciousness" (whatever the h*&@ that means).  Several PPs mentioned marriage counseling, and when all else fails, there is always something called a divorce.  As far as respect, didn't he respected her wishes enough not to have sex till they got married?


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2014
Since you chose to marry him you really have to let go of the fact that he slept with other people before you. I know its an issue for you but he's your H now and that has to stay in the past. He's hiding the porn from you because he knows you don't like it. You have voiced your distaste for it so strongly therefore he's sneaking behind your back doing it because he doesn't feel comfortable sharing that with you. This right here is not good. He should be comfortable enough to go to you for anything and you are not allowing him that. Regardless if you like it or not have you openly asked him as to why he looks at porn? Does he fantasize about other women or does he fantasize about you two performing in that way? I ask because my H and I watch porn on occassion and I don't fantasize about sexing that man I fantasize its my H. Its also a way to view and learn new tricks if you may. Its not always about the people in the porno but about the acts being performed. You may be viewing it in an entire different way than he does. Ask him what does he get from it? Have you asked him if he's satisfied with the sex life you both share? Maybe he's bored and wants to spice things up. There is nothing wrong with adding a little spark into the bedroom, especially after being together for so long. I know you have 3 kids and have so much on your plate but allow him that freedom to talk to you openly and not feel like he's 'not a good man' because he watches some porn. You're also questioning the type of man that he is. How do you think he feels about that? Have family watch the kids this weekend. Go buy some sexy lingerie and go turn your H out. I know he will appreciate it and he'll be back to the man you've always loved. Loosen up a bit sweety.....

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