He disgusts me
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|Wed, 05-05-2010 - 1:54pm|
I am just devastated. I've been married for 6 months (happily, I thought) and I think I've made the biggest mistake of my life.
Background: my husband and I bought a home together 2.5 years ago, before we were engaged. After all the paperwork was signed, he confessed to me that he'd cheated on me with his ex several times early in our relationship. I was furious - I'd suspected as much, but he always adamantly denied it and ended up making me feel like I was crazy for accusing him. Typical cheater, huh?
He cried and begged for forgiveness and told me that the only reason he allowed her to seduce him was because of their history together, and blah blah blah. Like an idiot, I believed him.
Then yesterday he suddenly confessed that shortly before we bought our home, he NEARLY cheated on me with some 20 year old tramp who was a friend of his co-worker's mail order bride. He claims he was all set to sleep with her - he even went as far as to go purchase condoms for the big event, but then felt bad and didn't go through with it. I was shaking, disgusted, and felt like I'd been kicked in the stomach. I also don't believe a damn thing he says anymore.
As far as I'm concerned, he probably did sleep with her. He just won't own up to it until another few years go by and I'm lolled back into a false sense of marital bliss.
Not to mention, I've always been suspicious of another of his coworkers - a trampy office manager who slept with half of the male staff members. My husband sends her sweet, affectionate messages on Facebook (she moved far away and married someone else fortunately) while claiming that they are just friends. I find this hard to believe. Clearly she was more than ready to give it away, and my husband has demonstrated that he'll sleep with anyone that will have him. (He has changed jobs since, so there is no issue of him having to work with these people any longer).
My husband is convinced we can work things out. In his mind, these infidelities don't seem to count because they happened before we moved in together and got married. Gee, it would have been nice if I knew this AT THE TIME. It would have saved me from purchasing a home with and marrying a true scumbag. Now I am stuck. I can't afford our mortgage by myself, and I don't really believe in divorce either.
What am I supposed to do? I don't think I can ever forgive him or sleep with him again - the thought of him touching me is completely repulsive. Plus, God only knows what sort of diseases he has. I'm diligent about going to the gyno, but nonetheless I plan to go again and ask to be tested for everything under the sun.
I told him that I refuse to be faithful anymore and want an open marriage. Hey, if I'm stuck in this sham of a marriage I may as well have some fun, right? He sobbed and got hysterical and said he doesn't want an open marriage (I guess it's more fun for him when he's the only one cheating) and that he's going to contact our church to arrange for counselling.
He talks up a storm about how everything changed for him when we moved in together, and he has been 100% committed and faithful since then. Although his actions seem to support this (I have had no suspicions about his fidelity since we moved in together) I still don't want to trust or believe him - he has lied convincingly to me before.
Does anyone have any wisdom for me? I'm not ready to run out and file for divorce just yet, but I've lost so much respect for him that I don't think I'll ever get it back. So what do I do?
Oh yeah, and the next time I'm out my friends I'm leaving my damn wedding rings at home.
Thanks for listening.