He disgusts me

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2008
He disgusts me
Wed, 05-05-2010 - 1:54pm

I am just devastated. I've been married for 6 months (happily, I thought) and I think I've made the biggest mistake of my life.

Background: my husband and I bought a home together 2.5 years ago, before we were engaged. After all the paperwork was signed, he confessed to me that he'd cheated on me with his ex several times early in our relationship. I was furious - I'd suspected as much, but he always adamantly denied it and ended up making me feel like I was crazy for accusing him. Typical cheater, huh?

He cried and begged for forgiveness and told me that the only reason he allowed her to seduce him was because of their history together, and blah blah blah. Like an idiot, I believed him.

Then yesterday he suddenly confessed that shortly before we bought our home, he NEARLY cheated on me with some 20 year old tramp who was a friend of his co-worker's mail order bride. He claims he was all set to sleep with her - he even went as far as to go purchase condoms for the big event, but then felt bad and didn't go through with it. I was shaking, disgusted, and felt like I'd been kicked in the stomach. I also don't believe a damn thing he says anymore.

As far as I'm concerned, he probably did sleep with her. He just won't own up to it until another few years go by and I'm lolled back into a false sense of marital bliss.

Not to mention, I've always been suspicious of another of his coworkers - a trampy office manager who slept with half of the male staff members. My husband sends her sweet, affectionate messages on Facebook (she moved far away and married someone else fortunately) while claiming that they are just friends. I find this hard to believe. Clearly she was more than ready to give it away, and my husband has demonstrated that he'll sleep with anyone that will have him. (He has changed jobs since, so there is no issue of him having to work with these people any longer).

My husband is convinced we can work things out. In his mind, these infidelities don't seem to count because they happened before we moved in together and got married. Gee, it would have been nice if I knew this AT THE TIME. It would have saved me from purchasing a home with and marrying a true scumbag. Now I am stuck. I can't afford our mortgage by myself, and I don't really believe in divorce either.

What am I supposed to do? I don't think I can ever forgive him or sleep with him again - the thought of him touching me is completely repulsive. Plus, God only knows what sort of diseases he has. I'm diligent about going to the gyno, but nonetheless I plan to go again and ask to be tested for everything under the sun.

I told him that I refuse to be faithful anymore and want an open marriage. Hey, if I'm stuck in this sham of a marriage I may as well have some fun, right? He sobbed and got hysterical and said he doesn't want an open marriage (I guess it's more fun for him when he's the only one cheating) and that he's going to contact our church to arrange for counselling.

He talks up a storm about how everything changed for him when we moved in together, and he has been 100% committed and faithful since then. Although his actions seem to support this (I have had no suspicions about his fidelity since we moved in together) I still don't want to trust or believe him - he has lied convincingly to me before.

Does anyone have any wisdom for me? I'm not ready to run out and file for divorce just yet, but I've lost so much respect for him that I don't think I'll ever get it back. So what do I do?

Oh yeah, and the next time I'm out my friends I'm leaving my damn wedding rings at home.

Thanks for listening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Wed, 05-05-2010 - 2:31pm

Hugs. I know it hurts.
Enjoy going out and having a nice time.....ha ha ha

all jokes aside.
Go ahead and follow though with the MC. You both need to get some things straightened out. I would not do anything just yet. A few counseling sessions and then see how it goes.

Hang in there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2009
Thu, 05-06-2010 - 12:46pm
Its is a shame you didnt believe your intuition. I agree, since you do not believe in divorce then go for an open marriage OR prepare for a future of heartache because he WILL cheat on you again...its not a matter of IF but WHEN!!!!!!

Edited 5/6/2010 1:11 pm ET by brfl2009
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
Thu, 05-06-2010 - 11:31pm


well first of all i would like to recommend that this friday night you NOT go out with the girls - your emotions are too raw.

you make think you want an open marriage but something is telling me that that is the hurt, and pain talking and not the real you.

you are going to have to have a real come to Jesus talk with yourself and be totally honest about what you will and will not live with. you need to know what can and can not accept.

the signs are there, he is a possible serial cheater. i have been married to one for 32 years - nothing short of God coming down and cutting off his johnson would have stopped my husband from cheating. it was all about him. he always had an excuse, a reason, it was never his fault. why? because the truth be told life, from his perspective is all about him. so,,,,, as long as he was not getting hurt everything was peachy keen.

if your gut is telling you that what you have discovered is him, the true him. then you must, for your sake, what is best for you. and what is best for you is NOT an open marriage. i mean think about it, would the fact that he agreed make it ok? something in your post, a reflection of you, tells me no, not even you believe that.

do you have access to someone, to talk to someone who specializes in infidelity?

please remember 'we only go around one time in this life, there are no do overs'.

your name is on the property, so why not leave and find your own place - if he wants to live there let him pay - if not - then sell it and move on if you believe it is over.

i would also suggest that you read as many posts on this thread, the life after betrayal thread, and 'i think it is called' all about affairs. there are many wise women who have shared their stories, allowed all of us in so we can heal, learn, and grow.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Sun, 05-09-2010 - 10:36am
...I don't think a successful open marriage results from infidelity...just my opinion of course...but, I (personally) would feel as though I were having revenge sex...which is just as wrong (my word) as any sort of marital sex..."we" (as a society) tell our children that '2 wrongs don't make a right'...it doesn't...