He Refuses to just Leave Her Alone - EA

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2010
He Refuses to just Leave Her Alone - EA
5
Mon, 07-05-2010 - 7:58am

They both go to a weekly event, which is where the EA started about a year ago.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2008
Mon, 07-05-2010 - 8:17am

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Mon, 07-05-2010 - 3:26pm
Call me crazy, but aren't we supposed to STOP dating others once we are married?

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
Mon, 07-05-2010 - 10:16pm

sprucetree:

i have been married for 33 years now, together for 34, almost 35.

i found out about my husbands 'relationship' with another woman about 6 years ago. i had been staying with my mom due to her cancer and imminant death. during these 18 months he 'chose' to spend his time on his computer - first it was amped up porn, then began trolling for women to meet.

upon my moms death i was once again home, i believe it was labor day and we, as usual, were having the family over for a bar b que. i had gone out and rented some movies and when i came home he asked me "why did you buy this one?, we have already seen it". as soon as the words came out of his mouth i could see the look of panic on his face but could not understand what was happening. i told him, "no, we haven't". but it bothered me all day, as he never sat down and watched it with everyone else. i ended up intercepting a phone call from her when he left his cell phone in my car. i noticed a missed message and since our phones were exactly alike went to check - it was her.

fast forward.......................

after discovering what was going on i too changed. i was no longer me. i was a mess to put it honestly. he, after almost a year of fighting, my up and down mood swings, his continuing to be gone 'playing golf' all day asked me to go to vegas with him. it was suppose to be a new beginning, he was going to answer all of my questions - the aid was going to be cleared with honesty. well during the trip what i got instead was 'it all happened because of root cause - and yes, i, me, his faithful wife was the root cause'. i was livid, i was hurt, i was shattered. the day we came home i was tired and went to lie down and watch some tv. when i awoke i walked to the doorway of his office and he was on the phone with her. now keep in mind he had promised to end it, he swore he was a new man - yadda, yadda, yadda. when he realized i was standing there he abruptly ended the call and used the excuse "i was calling to say goodbye". CALLING???????????????? why not send her a text, why not send her an email - truth if fact, he was calling to make arrangements to see her again.

when he pushed he came up with the same bs your has. "noone is going to tell me who i can and can't talk to" - "you don't own me" - "there is more to my life than you".

now in an effort of full disclosure we are still married, but in name only. we are not what we use to be.

and so what i will share with you is this - these are some of the things i learned on my journey.

we women we truly believe that our husbands love and value us. we begin to loose track of who we are - it is as if we have lost the person we once were. we stopped loving ourselves and began pouring all of that love into our spouses and children. because after all that is what women, wives, mothers are suppose to do right? no, wrong. we should never ever loose sight of who we are. we must love ourselves first and foremost. in doing so, we are protecting who and what we are. in doing so, we are standing as a beacon for how our children should live their lives; especially our daughters.

i have no answers as to why these husbands of ours choose these types of actions. to this day, i can not wrap my mind around his choices or decisions.

i can however share this fact with you - there is nothing YOU can do to change him, there is nothing YOU can do to alter his choices or lifestyle. he is going to do what he wants to do, and he is going to continue to treat you with disrespect as long as you allow him to.

ask yourself this question "what if he died today?" would you have any control over that? no, the answer is no. and so you must now decide if you are going to live your life in spite of all of this, or are you going to live a life based on hurt and pain.

you do not love this man, you love the man you wanted him to be - (dr. phil). the life you thought you had either is no more or never really was. in my case, it never really was as my husband was in fact a serial cheater.

it is time for you - time for you to have a heart to heart and realize that what lies ahead is FAR more important, and offers FAR more happiness than what lies behind. you know think of it this way - you are on your lifes journey you can choose to continue to look at the rear view mirror or you can set you eyes on the front windshield as what lies ahead. but this i can guarantee, if you choose the rear view mirror you are going to end up in a ditch, while you watch as he moves on with his life and leaves you stuck.

you deserve far more, and far better; but YOU and only YOU can make that decision. this is no dress rehearsal sprucetree - we only go around one time - there are no redos. but in order to move on you are going to have to believe in your heart of hearts that you are worthy of happiness.

i know what it is like to be stuck, and i am living proof that the journey is a tough one. but i so believe that are worth it - i so believe that you deserve to smile and laugh till your belly hurts. i so believe that you are special but the key is YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE IT.

so what do you think?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2010
Tue, 07-06-2010 - 8:06am

Thank you all for your replies.


The couples counselor tells us I have to accept him talking to her and I have to get over it!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Tue, 07-06-2010 - 9:14pm

My therapist would have a fit dealing with YOUR therapist.