He says she's gay

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2010
He says she's gay
Mon, 08-09-2010 - 4:39pm

I am really not sure what to do here, so I am putting myself in your capable hands.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2010
Tue, 08-10-2010 - 10:50am
I would definitely be concerned.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008
Tue, 08-10-2010 - 1:14pm
I would be very worried, so she is a lesbian, is she bisexual bicurious? his job should be looking for a job not paling around with her on his free time while you do the work
he is putting too much time and energy into her and being too secretive about it
what is he after? he is obviously enjoying her attention and putting important things like your marriage on the backburner
I would image there is a whole lot of ego stroking going on for some much communication
it does not sound appropriate for the longevity of your marriage to me at all
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2007
Tue, 08-10-2010 - 5:43pm

IMO you are not overreacting. Your H is the one behaving inappropriately. He has chosen to put his time and energy into developing a R with this woman instead of you. She may or may not be lesbian, and it may not matter.

Here's my story: H had a female friend at work, and he had actually met her lesbian partner. I am older than most here, and thought it was a "safe" friendship, because I was unaware that some folks now had Rs with both the opposite and the same sex. (Sounds naive, but I'm not that into modern culture mores.) H and his work friend got too chummy, and he says he was blindsided when she eventually told him she had fallen in love with him. She had broken up with her partner, and thought my H would make a dandy replacement. So, she diligently pursued, he was flattered, and let's all guess how it ended. She later revealed that she previously had partners of both sexes.

That was around 3 years ago. We have successfully rebuilt, but I see all kinds of warning signs with what your H is chosing to do. I'm glad you are in MC, because this is a topic ripe for discussion. I'm pleased that you and your H are working on communication, and I agree with you that if he is spending all of his efforts communicating with with woman he will have very little left for you.

Best wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Wed, 08-11-2010 - 8:47am

Hugs ricoles,

I don't think you are over reacting. I too would be concerned. I was with my ex-h when I discovered his secret calls and email accounts. People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. There is no reason your H should be calling and texting this woman when you are not around. I also would not believe him when he says that she is gay so that makes it ok. Like they other posters said you really don't know this woman or her sexual preferences. I also agree with the OP that your H should be looking for work during this time and spending the time and energy on your relationship!

I will say when I discovered my ex h's emails and calls initially I didn't find out the half of it! It was after searching on the computer (he used my computer to contact OW!) that I discovered he had saved all his correspondence with OW in a file titled with a reference to his work. Very sneaky on his part. Remember once you do confront him with this be prepared for him to go more underground to try to hide this "friendship". I found out the extent of my exh's A by looking at his 'sent' and 'trash' files on the computer.

I would definitely bring this up in your marriage counseling. When I discovered my exh's emails I made copies of all of them so when we went to MC he couldn't deny what he had done. Before he was shown the 'proof' he was "innocent and she was just a friend" but when the damaging emails were found it became "it's all your fault".

I really wish you all the best! Hugs,


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2009
Wed, 08-11-2010 - 9:45am

Hi... Your not overjealous and you have every right to be concerned...If the friendship was "innocent" than everything wouldnt be deleted.....

In Jan/Feb I looked at our cell phone bill cause I had a gut feeling...I had been looking at my husbands phone and noticed he was deleting everything....So I than checked the phone bill- he was texting 2 woman each 20 to a 100 times a day every day...

I almost threw him out right than and there...I was devestated....There is nothing innocent about a spouse texting another woman 20 to a 100 times a day....

I never saw what the messages said cause he erased them ALL....But I didnt need to see the messages, because the amount of time he was texting them was completely innappropiate and over the line...

The amount of texting tells a story all by itself...He was investing in other woman instead of me......and it sounds like your H is investing in another woman instead of you...It is wrong no matter what the two of them said or didnt say...Wrong...

and of course my H deleted everything I knew he was doing something wrong...Deleting things is a huge warning sign that your spouse is engaging in something that he shouldnt be...

My husband has stopped the texting....but still has these woman on fb...I want them off... But at least now I can see everything said...and yes I still check the cell phone bill, emails etc...and probably will for a long time..

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Thu, 08-12-2010 - 3:05am
Deleting his fb and browser history and hiding his phone, not to mention a new g mail account you know nothing about AND the fact that he is doing all the talking to her when you are NOT around is ALL VERY SUSPICIOUS BEHAVIOR, and are all signs of a affair of some kind, be it emotional and/or physical. These are all VERY common signs to watch out for when you suspect your spouse is cheating. I suspect this girl is not gay (maybe bi) and he is telling you this to throw you off the scent as to what's going on. You need to tell him you want to see his g mail account, work mail account and phone. When I suspected my H was cheating I noticed he always closed out his e mail when I walked into the computer room and he refused to open his work e mail account when I confronted him. Don't give him any warning, just ASK him to see his accounts and see if he lets you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2010
Wed, 08-18-2010 - 3:19pm

I think you know the answer.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2008
Mon, 08-23-2010 - 2:57pm

Put a Keylogger on his computer NOW.