He told me yesterday. I am pregnant with our third child and SO UPSET.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2011
He told me yesterday. I am pregnant with our third child and SO UPSET.
8
Wed, 09-07-2011 - 3:06pm

He has been traveling alot. Started staying longer. He told me yesterday that he had met a girl on a workingout kind of forum and he was seeing her when he had business in that state. Other than that it was all texts and email.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008

Yes it will hurt you for years to come as well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008

You have two children one on the way, you do 90% of the work around the house!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011

I am so very sorry for your pain.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008

I would question how he met her, just because he came forward with truth does not mean it is not mixed into lies, my husband also confessed to one affair it ended up being far different from what he told me as to when where and how many women.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2011
Thank you all for your beautiful support. It is so fabulous. I will update more as the next few days pass. Such a rush of emotions every few hours. Yesterday I was reduced to a sobbing heap on the floor. But after that meltdown I felt better. This is just going to take SUCH a long time and so much work. Just... thank you, thank you, thank you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2007

so sorry to hear of your H's

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
I am very very sorry form what is happening to you. It is not fair and all of us here know you did not deserve this. I think that after an affair is revealed it is like just learning about a death. Instead of your husband dying, it is your old marriage. Because that relationship is dead. Your new relationship should you decide to go forward has to change radically and your husband is the one that has the most work to do. I would caution you to decide whether you will stay married or not. You have been dealt a fatal wound by the one person who should have protected, loved and cherished you above all others. He committed the worst act in a relationship by betraying your trust which is the foundation for your marriage. To further damage you and your relationship, while you are giving everything you have to your family, your husband's priorities are all about himself and what he wants. I want to remind you that your husband is not your boss. You do not work for him. He should be your partner and as such he can start by stepping up at the ol' home front. Just because he brings home the money doesn't mean he has the right to be lazy at home.

He did tell you, he didn't get ratted out, however, what I have learned from my own experience and reading other posts is that cheaters rarely give you the full story. They usually try to tell you the bare minimum. Maybe he says he is sorry and wAnts to work it out. If he can do that with half truths, partial truths or withholding the truth he will do it. In his mind he wants to minimize the chance of you ending your marriage or maybe because he feels the details of the affair will Hurt you. cheaters are good manipulators of their spouses, he also has learned to hide, scheme and lie like a pro. He has been lying to you the entire time his affair lasted. He will continue to lie as long as it produces any positive result. I am a firm believer that the best "lie detector" you have is your gut. If you feel he is lying he is.

The other thing I want to tell you is that your marriage has to go thru a radical remodel. And what in really mean is your husband needs a radicAl remodel in his actions and he feelings. Since he is in the doghouse, and he needs to be in the dognhouse, this is your opportunity to turn things around. There is nothing that will slap your husband awake like leArning of your appt with a divorce attorney. You don't have to file, but you do need to hear what you are entitled to and get an idea of what you will have should you go through a divorce, one of the other things I did right away was go down to the bank, open a new account at a different bank in your name only. Having money gives a feeling of safety. Your husband should also know that you are undecided on your marriage. When emotions are running high, it is not good to make a decision like that. He now has to "earn" his way back to your marriage. Like other posters, he has to be an open book with zero privacy. He lost his freedom when he broke trust. You however are entitled to all the secrecy in the world. Like you, I chose to tell as few people as possible. Our parents know as my initial reaction plan was to divorce. Both parents encouraged me to bench that decision for now, partly because of the kids. I don't think anyone wants their children to be raised in a broken home. A divorce means final, irrevocable, over. It is life changing for the kids. I decided to wait one year. My husband is in the house, but he sleeps in the bonus room.

You are able to ask anything of your husband. If he is genuinely sincere in his pleading to try and work this out, to you that means- he will do anything and everything you ask. If he doesn't want to comply, you have your answer, that means he is still thinking like he is only child rather than the husband and father he should be.

I think as a betrayed spouse it is literally something that rocks you to your core. I questioned everything and everybody. I felt safe and secure in marriage. My haven became a hell overnight. My husband became a stranger just like that. I felt ugly, inadequate, defective. I felt he risked way too much for a little plain Jane. I was very angry with the blow he gave me, but I was livid for him playing with the kids lives. As a parent you think of your children above yourself.

I wish you nothing but happiness, strength, courage. You take this beast one day at a day time. You are much much stronger than you realize. The affair is not your fault, if you were given a choice you wouldn't of chose that. There is a great article on wikihow site titled " how to earn your spouses trust after an affair". the article is directed at the betrayer but it teaches YOU the rules and exactly what should expect from your husband.

Take the best of care- we are all here for you.





iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008

Good post Still Standing!!