He won't end affair; I'm waiting for it to fizzle out

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
He won't end affair; I'm waiting for it to fizzle out
15
Wed, 08-08-2012 - 11:49pm

Known my husband [45 yrs old] for 25 years, was very loving first 10 years. Have 2 kids, aged 9 & 7. For past 7-8 years, went through business failure & financial difficulties, he stopped kissing & hugging me.  Never initiated sex.  It was always me who had to make an 'appointment' with him; no foreplay nothing, I had to give him a blow job, then straight on to it & done in less than 10 mins.  I felt cheap; so I stopped asking for it.  Last year, no sex until once in end Dec.  It was so unpleasurable that we didn't reach orgasm & didn't look forward to the next session.

He is a self-centred person, has a history of infidelity - once while studying abroad & one night stands before we had kids. He did love me very much, then.  Ours was true love. He is a smoker, drinker & goes to pub regularly. He started his affair in Dec 2011 with this pub manager cum owner [rich woman 40 yrs old whose husband passed away]. Moved in with her April 2012 after I chased him out twice. He looked guilty in my first few confrontations. He only comes home weekend to spend time with my 2 kids. Now I don't argue anymore, so that we have peace. We are obviously separated. He admitted to have made a mistake, its short term relationship.  Refuse to divorce, still wants the family. But no intention to end affair. Goes for holiday, buys her branded gifts, put her as priority above our children. Willingly spends on credit card; he is incapable of this lifestyle of keeping a mistress but he wouldn't stop.

I went trough the symptoms of depression, couldn't sleep or eat, accelerated heartbeat & difficulty in breathing when I entered his empty room [been sleeping with kids for year]. Now 3 1/2 months since Discovery Day, I still long for him.  I still love him very much, hoping for affair to burn out but his actions towards her hurt me deeply.  I neglected my children's studies, they did badly in exam recently. When he is with us during weekend, I can see he still cares about the children & a bit for me, out of guilt, I guess. I helped him financially & sacrificed extensively until my savings dry up prior to this affair. The kids still love him.  I can't bear to see them without fatherly love.

What should I do?  I want to wait out the situation; but my marriage will not amount to much from what I read & actions I see in him. I weighed the pros & cons of divorce.  Its better for me & kids not to divorce now.  Any one in the same situation before?  What is outlook of my future?  Thanks.

 

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
But asian women seems to be more tolerant of men who cheat as compared to women in North America.

I am Asian. I rather be single and free than put them with the bs this man is giving CC.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
No. It is not common in the Asian culture to have a mistress.

Men with mistresses are the usually the rich and famous.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
If your willing to accept the situation the way it is, then stay till the children are older. If not then you'll know when it's time to leave. Is it generally accepted in the asian culture for men to have a mistress?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008

"Asia" doesn't really tell us much as getting divorced in India is vastly different than getting divorced in Korea and different  from Taiwan (where people have known to sue the OW and won).  Even within a country, say India, the customs in Punjab is not the same as Karela.

Let's think this through together:  in an ideal world, how would your life to be?  Would you like to get a divorve and live alone?  Get a divorce and live in the same house and have him visit the children on weekends as he does now?

In the mean time, is it possible to separate your finance from his?  If you cannot do that, can you open bank accounts in the children's names?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
The outlook is that he will probably continue to have affairs as long as you put up with it and allow it. Why should he change when he can have his cake and eat it too?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

If you know that you won't be able to take him back even if he ends the affair, then I don't see why you don't just get divorced now.  I wouldn't assume that the divorce will be costly--I think you have to consult an atty. to find out.  I am a divorce atty.  sometimes people will initially say they won't sign the divorce papers but then when things start to progress and they realize that ti will also cost them a lot of money to fight it and they will end up divorced anyway, they end up caving in.  I have a male client now who says his DW had affairs (I don't know if it's actually true but I assume it is) so at the beginning he was all revengeful and wanting more money & basically wanting her to suffer but now he just wants to get it over with w/o having a trial.

Now if you go through it with the idea that you aren't trying to get him financially, you only want a fair deal and he can still see the kids on weekends like he has been, then what is there really to fight about? 

Since he has a history of infidelity then what makes you think he won't just go off w/ some other woman even if this affair ends--you won't be happy to be with him, so he'll just be biding time & having a place to live until he finds the next one.  And I can't imagine what your kids think about why their dad doesn't live there & then what happens if he comes home?  Won't they be wondering if he'll stay or leave again? 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008

Where do you live Queen?  If you are in the US you can get a D even if your H does not want to.  As far as the family that your H wants isn't he already gone during the week?  He could still have his visitation with the children on the weekend like he does now--his current "family life".  IMHO I would not give up hope for a D and a start at a new life.  Personally I would not "work on the marriage one last time" if his A fizzles out.  It doesn't sound like he as any remorse or empathy for your feelings.

I hope it all works out for you, you do deserve happiness,

Ollie