Hee hee hee. Score one for the wife and btw there can be peace in your heart again

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-1999
Hee hee hee. Score one for the wife and btw there can be peace in your heart again
7
Sat, 03-16-2013 - 1:02am

OK.  Many of you know the history.  For the newbies...

H had A with person I will call S in Dec. 2010. She was an old family friend of his who I had only met a couple times.  I found out by watching a LIVE chat logged into his FB account when he happened to be on his laptop in another state at work. He was asking her for a hook up. I even saw my H write when I called him to say WTF say Oh SH!@ elmosmom knows. (well he really said my name). Needless to say by the end of the night she knew I knew and she dropped me as a FB friend (go figure...)

ANYWAYS>>>> Fast forward to Monday of this week.  I FINALLY after all this time was able to arrange a time that I would see her completely away from family or friends ( she lives a few hours from here). I was in her town on some other business, so  I went to her work and had lunch (she is a restaraunt trainer).

I saw her a few times and almost chickened out, but knew it was now or never and since she is old family friend, I wanted to see her on my terms rather than bumping in to her at a funeral, wedding, or other family type function that we would all have to attend.

After lunch, I asked my waitress if she was busy and she went to check. She came around the corner saw me and just for a SPLIT second her face fell and she ducked back, I heard her say I mide as well get this over with.  She stops a full table away from me.  I just sit there and smile at her.  She looks confused. So, I smile broader.  She smiles.  Here goes our conversation:

Me: You don't remember me?

S: No

Me:  Realllllly????

S: No, I'm sorry.

Me (standing up still smiling) Well you should be because you did some not so nice things to me a couple years ago.

S: WHAT? Here?

Me: No, (and I swear on a stack of bibles, I cocked my head sideways and said super sweetly almost in a sing song voice) you kinda slept my husband.

S: WHAT?  Who?

Me: (wondering how many husbands has she slept with to not remember).  You know that would be E

S: Huh?  Are you sure you have the right S? There are 2 of us who work here ( NOW REMEMBER OLD FAMILY FRIEND OF H's and WAS MY FB FRIEND!!!!)

Me:  Well just to be sure, which one are you?

S: S.J.

Me: (Sweetly and sing song again) Yup, that would be you.

S: But... sputter...sputter... I didn't.

Me: (Tapping her on the shoulder) It's ok.  I just came by to say I forgive you.  (Then I grabbed my bag and went to the line to pay my bill and walked out of that place with my head held SUPER high!!!

I swear it felt so good to just finally release that anger and move forward. I don't think that anybody, except MAYBE the table next to me heard me. When I was leaving I heard my waitress go up to her and say "was she complaining???" Hilarious! I figure either A) She is a skank who really doesn't remember who she sleeps with, B) is delusional and has made herself forget what she did, or C) just a liar.  Either way, my head is held high and I am happy with me again. Although I will admit perhaps she really didn't recognize me and won't she be surprised when I see her at the next wedding or funeral with the family.  LOL

I told H about it and while he didn't heartily agree, he didn't disagree with how I did it either and he understood that I had to do it. He even noted to me later this week how happy he is to see that I truely do seem at peace with life again.

Anyways, the whole point of this long post is to announce that after 2 years, I finally feel better and don't feel like I have to fake it.  The nerves have left of her having power over me when I think OMG what am I going to do if I go drop in at extended family and bump into her there. (They don't know). I was finally able to reclaim my power over my own life.  IT FEELS WONDERFUL.

Hugs to you all who are either beginning your journey and I hope my story of this week brings you a bit of comfort to know that one day it is possible to feel whole again.  And hugs to the rest of you especially Myradorn and Pater who have helped me so much in this long journey. Thank you so very much. I know that I will still have a bad day here and there, but it is so nice to feel like I have made progress on the road to recovery.

God bless and prayers for us to move forward another day!

Elmosmom!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008

IT FEELS WONDERFUL. god bless you deserve to feel wonderful

we all do, thank you for sharing that

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2007
I spoke with my H's affair partner about a month after he told me. She is young and she was cruel to me. I have never forgotten that conversation. I have contemplated many, many times to call her and either A) ask her to meet me to talk or B) ask her to have a civilized conversation with me over the phone. Any advice on this? I have no idea if I am crazy to even consider this or if it would be a good idea to help with my healing process. I realize this may open a can of worms and be a very hurtful conversation and I am not completely sure that I can handle that right now. I am days away from 1 year of healing. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-1999
Honestly, I.would say anything she is going to tell you if a lie. In my case it wasn't to ask her anything. It was simply to force myself to see her to let go of fear I had with seeing her. And to just let it go. But if you really feel talking with her is going to help them I.would say, imagine the absolute worse thing she could possibly say to you in graphic detail. Them what do you do if she really tells you that info. If you dont think you could handle pity them don't talk to her. Good luck to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-1999
Correction. Auto type changed my last last sentence. If you don't think you could handle IT THEN don't talk to her. Sorry about that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2007

I think I could handle anything she says because ultimately it was all about me and not about her.  I think she is too immature to have a mature conversation with me.  Today is my D-Day. It's been one year.  Somedays I want to call her and other days, I want to keep moving forward. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2006

I confronted my ex's AP,  but it wasn't to give her a hard time.  It was because I completely blamed HIM and I wanted her to know that.  Turns out he'd lied to her, telling her he and I weren't together anymore (he actually told her he was completely single and had been for a long time!).  She and I had a good conversation and we actually ended up being not exactly friends, but we did get together for dinner and drinks a couple of times.  I knew the A wouldn't have happened unless he wanted it to, and it was pointless to try to blame the entire thing on her.  Of course, he just about dirtied his trousers when he found out she and I had talked!  LOL  Then he tried yet again to lie his way out of it.  Needless to say he and I are no longer together.

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008

Elmosmom, 

I figure you are not tracking this thread anymore, but I’m really impressed. All the books and the shrinks say not to confront the AP and I can see every reason it could go wrong. But I spoke to all four; I even contacted two of their wives. Like you, in many ways it broke the myth I built in my head about who they were. I built them up in my head to be monsters. In reality, they were really fvcked-up people who had miserable lives.

Keep on keeping on. Sending good vibes. 

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.