Hello Everyone!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2007
Hello Everyone!!!!
6
Fri, 06-27-2014 - 8:07am

Hi everyone!! Just wanted to check in and say thank you for helping me during my bad times with XBF who decided to look for skanks on the internet while I cooked his meals, cleaning his house, booked his rentals and did his laundry.  I am doing great.  I started running again.  I have been on a few dates but really don’t want to get into a relationship right now. 

Guess who wants me back?? Yep you guessed it. The Knome (as I lovingly call him) is now riding a bike around going to the same places I go.  The other day I was pulling into a small coffee shop to get breakfast when I saw him on his bike standing outside of the shop.  What did I do? Pulled into the entrance, drove by the knome and went out the exit…The look on his face was priceless!!!!

By the way,  he is NOW TELLING EVERYONE I WAS “SEEING OTHER GUYS” WHILE WE WERE TOGETHER AND THAT IS WHY WE BROKE UP..REALLY DUDE??

When people ask me about it I laugh and walk away…What a dumba$$!!!  Every time I see him I puke in my mouth…Weird huh? A man that at one time I would die for makes me want to gag!!!!

Anyway, my best friend who was my rock during all of this has caught her hubby cheating on her.  She is a mess…I gave her a copy of the 180 list and am calling her daily…We (Our friends) try to get her to go out with us but she accepts only to cancel moments before.  She will not leave the house, begs her hubby to work on the marriage (He is galavanting around town, going on golfing trips and such, blaming HER for the affair-which was more of a one night stand with another married woman in town)..

Any advice how to help my friend?  Thanks and God Bless all of you!!

Christy

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 06-27-2014 - 10:36am

I am glad to hear you are doing well.  Since you mentioned the gnome, my exH, who has blond hair and a beard, was called the gnome by his co-workers.  Then he let his hair and beard grow longer (which I never liked so he always kept it short while we were married) so they started calling him Dumbledore (from Harry Potter).  Well I think he took it a little too literally because he had someone make him a purple robe and pointy hat (who I think is his new GF) and he has taken to calling himself the Wizard--even got a tattoo! I just shake my head.  Actually I'm glad he's enjoying himself and not bothering me but I can't believe I was ever with him.

I think your friend just has to come to the place where she realizes that she doesn't want to be treated like dirt any more and while she's doing all the groveling--when she didn't do anything wrong--she has put him in the position of total power and he probably has lost all respect for her too.  why does he blame her for his ONS?  It is the typical--oh you weren't paying enough attention to me, so I had to find someone else?  Maybe when she sees that this isn't working, then she will reach the point of getting mad.  I think it's when the wife threatens to leave that the guy then gets scared.  Right now he has it all--his wife is home, probably cooking and cleaning and he's free to do whatever he wants.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Fri, 06-27-2014 - 1:00pm

You know what?  She's probably right about walking out with nothing.  Being married a year and no children with him doesn't entitle her to anything, unless he's a millionaire, then she might be able to get something.  How did she survive before she married him....and if he's acting like such a dumb a$$ after just a year of marriage, you can't tell me she didn't see red flags before she married him.  She doesn't need to go out partying, she needs to get her act together, and figure out how she'll deal with being alone again.  If she's paying bills, then she knows the finances, and maybe she needs to be putting a little aside for herself, for security deposit & first months rent for a place to live (she's a houskeeper, accountant and cook, so she deserves compensation!). She needs to figure out a life plan without him.  She knows it's inevitable, she needs to prepare, because it's not only her, it's her children, and by the way, it's NOT good for them to be seeing her weeping and wailing and beating herself up.  When someone says they're ugly and fat, and not a good woman, she is in desperate need of counseling to build her self esteem.  She's got to love herself before anyone else will love her, and she's setting a horrible example for her children.  Instead of taking her out to party, try to get her some professional help. If she can get that, she can deal with the loser and divorce him happily. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2007
Fri, 06-27-2014 - 2:40pm

Thanks fissastore.  She is currently in counseling.  I guess I really don’t know how to help her at this point and we were trying to get her out of the house and away from him.  He is not a millionare but he is a police captain and I know he must be making at least $80,000 or $90,000 yearly. 

I don’t know if she saw signs or not, she claims that everything was perfect until this whole sexting thing.  

What I do know is that he is a big drinker and drinks himself to sleep every night.  I have offered to take her to a divorce attorney or to an Al-anon meeting; but like I said before she accepts and then cancels last minute…

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2007
Fri, 06-27-2014 - 2:45pm

Oh Knome is spelt Gnome…No wonder it was underlined!!! Geesh!!  I think you are right, musiclover...he is acting like a single man while she is home taking care of kids (All by first marriage, no kids together), sclepping kids, cooking/cleaning and paying bills...The house is in his name only and she thinks she will get nothing as far as alimony or his retirement in a divorce hearing (They have been married a year)...She refuses to see an attorney as she is convinced she will walk out with nothing...I have to check out this dumbledore guy...may be a better fit for the gnome...Gawd is he ugly!!!! Gag me!!!!

Anyway, her hubby is telling her that the ONS is her fault because she is too demanding, treats him like crap, spends money too much…All a line of BS…I am really worried about her because she calls me crying telling me that no one loves her, she is fat and ugly and not a good woman…I told her I love her, she is beautiful and a great woman.

She was supposed to meet us for lunch today but blew us off again….

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 06-27-2014 - 11:07pm

I don't know how your response ended up being after.  I'm a divorce atty. and I have to agree with the previous poster (was it Fissatore?  now I can't see).  She is right--after one year of marriage, she is definitely not going to get alimony or any part of his retirement.  So maybe she is scared cause she uprooted her kids and now sees a bad situation and doesn't know how to get out of it.  I can tell you that when I married the gnome, things were bad in the 1st year of marriage.  I had owned a house w/ my 1st DH and stupidly I let 2nd DH buy 1/2 of the house from the 1st DH--at least my 1st DH wouldn't want to let his own kids go homeless, you know.  So then of course I didn't have the money to pay him back (my financial situation at that time was bleak and really became worse cause 2nd DH got hurt on the job and was out of work for almost 2 yrs).  Well eventually it got to the point that my kids were suffering and I thought that even if I lost the house, it was bad enough that I needed to get rid of him--I talked to the kids and they agreed.  Ironically though, 2nd DH let me stay in the house until my youngest graduated from high school--that was 6 yrs ago.  Now I have to sell the house but I don't really care that much.  I really hope your friend has a job--maybe you can brainstorm with her how she can afford to leave and where she will go and things like that.  It's really sad that he would get married and cheat so soon.  Why even bother to get married then?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2014
Tue, 08-05-2014 - 4:49pm
GOOD FOR YOU = ) So proud to see that you have bounced back doing what you love 'running'. You took control of your life and didn't give him the time or energy to take that from you. You're owning it now and so glad that you put you 1st. As for your bestfriend continue being that loving & supportive friend and let her know you are always there for her when she needs you. Try to get her out the house to do things that she loves and enjoys. She's in a bit of a funk now (understably so) and she's going through the motions. If her H doesn't want to work things out and continues galavanting around town doing him than she needs to go and move on. Remember if you don't love yourself how the heck can you love someone else.