Hello.. I'm new here

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2012
Hello.. I'm new here
7
Mon, 04-23-2012 - 5:06pm
Hello everyone. I am new to the board, but I know that I am in exactly the right place.
I have been married for almost 3 years and for pretty much the entire time my husband has been communicating with women from his past and seeking out new ones to communicate with. Now when I say " communicate" sometimes that means just emailing or chatting. Other times that means flirting, telling them that they are beautiful, reminiscing about their past relationship.. And even sharing detailed sexual encounters or "stories" as he has called it. Throughout our marriage, I have brought it up to him. At first I would see him on the computer or over hear the phone calls. The worst happened when he deployed. ( he is a member of the Military) One email account was left open ( which I feel guilty about) and some emails were forwarded to me by someone I didn't know.. Which turned out to be some ladies husband. ( they are divorced now). It is still going on to this day and I am really fed up with it. My problem is, everytime that I bring this up he says that "It's Drama". He doesn't see the problem because he is not "physically" doing anything. He doesnt understand how much this hurts me. At times it has attacked my self esteem, making me feel inadequate and wondering what it is that I do not have. I strongly believe that this is a form of cheating and I deserve to be the only woman that he desires and thinks about.
This problem seems to get worse when he is away. Right now he is away for a week.. And I have made the decision to confront this once and for all, but I am not sure how to do it. I dont want to argue, but I NEED for him to understand how this is making me feel and he needs to realize that it is wrong.
I am open to advice, so please don't feel like you will offend me. I am a strong woman and I know that this is not my fault and he has a real problem.
Thanks for listening
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Mon, 04-23-2012 - 5:51pm
Maybe you should write him a letter explaining how you feel and not have him respond until he reads it. That way he can't get confrontational or defensive like if you were face to face. Maybe ask him how he would feel if you were acting like this around other men.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2012
Mon, 04-23-2012 - 6:13pm
I did write a "letter" but I would rather read it to him instead of letting him read it. He tends to interpret things in his own way. Without me explaining it, he will jump on the defensive and miss the entire message.
I wrote it down because I want to be clear and remember my points that usually get lost or ignored when we are arguing.
It's really taking a toll on me because I feel like I have no say so.. And I know that is wrong.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Mon, 04-23-2012 - 8:37pm

He doesn't see the problem because he doesn't want to admit he's doing anything wrong. Would he see a problem if YOU were doing this with other men?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2012
Tue, 04-24-2012 - 10:21am

These are straight up emotional affairs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2012
Tue, 04-24-2012 - 10:28am
I agree... A lot of people think that because it's not physical, it's okay. I don't know how to make him understand that it's wrong and that it is destroying our marriage. I am also worried that eventually it will turn into physical. I have thought about going to the Chaplain since we are Military. I have tried counceling and he went a few times, but this issue was never addressed. I went to an LCSW and he never went with me. Without both of us, it is pointless.
Thank you for your support. I continue to struggle with this while he's out this week. I know I need to speak up this weekend when he's home.. I'm just not sure how.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2012
Tue, 04-24-2012 - 10:51am

If he is insistant that this is not physical and there's nothing wrong with it then I would insist on having full access to his conversations.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2012
Tue, 04-24-2012 - 11:03am
I agree with all of that! I would give him complete access at any time. He on the other hand tends to turn it around on me and tell me that I don't trust him and I am putting doubt in our marriage...When he is the one causing the doubt. I'm not in the best situation as far as being able to walk away. I just feel like there needs to be a 3 rd party involved because he is never going to see himself as wrong. :-(