Help. :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2008
Help. :(
8
Tue, 08-18-2009 - 7:01am

My story is so long I don't even have the energy to type it all out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: shrtnsasy
Tue, 08-18-2009 - 8:05am
I am sorry you find yourself here.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2008
In reply to: shrtnsasy
Tue, 08-18-2009 - 2:44pm

I agree with LMD. Take some action and go get the legal information. It sounds like your H has checked out of the M and now its time for you to start an exit plan.


Have you taken a look at the "180" plan? NOW would be the perfect time to start working it. It will get you back in control of your life and maybe, just maybe, it will wake him up. If not, it will make you stronger and help you move on to a better place in your life.


Be strong, take action. You will be OK no matter what.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2009
In reply to: shrtnsasy
Tue, 08-18-2009 - 3:38pm

First, you may want to get real about your relationship. If he's doing those things to you, you don't have a great life together. Second, make an appointment for yourself with a counselor. Your self-esteem is in the ground, and as such, you will not be able to make decisions in your best interest if all you want is to prevent someone who has so little regard for you from leaving. It's not healthy to "love him so much" when he's treating you like you don't matter. I'm willing to bet that he sees that about you and will continue to take advantage. Hon, no man is worth that crap. Seriously.

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
In reply to: shrtnsasy
Tue, 08-18-2009 - 3:44pm

I agree with the people above. Have a look at the 180 list

http://bssgiv.tripod.com/id11.html

keep posting, there is some help here ok.

Thomas

5 kids ages 16-10, D Day: August, 2008

What's I'm doing to rebuild: Therapy, Books, Exercise, Forgiveness.

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2008
In reply to: shrtnsasy
Tue, 08-18-2009 - 6:09pm

Thanks to everyone for the responses.

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
In reply to: shrtnsasy
Tue, 08-18-2009 - 6:34pm

"we'll be like we used to be"

Humm, have you considered that this isn't good enough. You guys have be be better than you used to be?

Thomas

5 kids ages 16-10, D Day: August, 2008

What's I'm doing to rebuild: Therapy, Books, Exercise, Forgiveness.

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
In reply to: shrtnsasy
Tue, 08-18-2009 - 10:22pm

i am probably old enough to be your mom so the words i am going to speak are the words i would speak to my own daughters.

i have been married to a serial cheater since i was 25 now i am 59 - that is a long time. i went thru the same times you are going thru. wishing and hoping. well, i found out that all of the wishing and hoping in the world could not and would not change him. no, instead me, wishing and hoping and putting up only added fuel to his fire to betray me.

you say he has not cheated, been with someone else. i do not mean to hurt you but i am not so sure about that. in the midst of husbands affairs, that is when he treated me the worst. that is when he was the most distant - treated me as though i was invisible. seemed to find fault with anything and everything i did. and what did i do, i worked even harder to make it work.

fast forward to now - i am 59 and i am living a lie. i gave so much that i am now disgusted with myself. why? because i, me, allowed him to treat me this way, i allowed it. he did not want a marriage in the every day sense of the word - no he wanted a woman at home - playing wife, mother, homemaker but he wanted to be free to do whatever he pleased.

you, are settling because you feel he is the best you can do---------WHY///////// you work in an attorneys office and i am sure you see many many women living terrible lives i am sure you have great empathy for them. well, we here have great empathy for you as well. however we also care enough to be as honest as we can - because so many of us have been there.

you trying and trying - for what???????? any relationship takes 2 working together. loving, respecting, each other looking out for each other - sharing, communicating, laughing, TOGETHER.

what i realize NOW is i taught him how to treat me - i taught him to treat me bad, because that is what i settled for bad. OH, IF I COULD ONLY GO BACK AND CHANGE THE WAY I ACTED, CHANGE MY SELF PERCEPTION, CHANGE HOW LITTLE I EXPECTED OUT OF HIM.

dr. phil says we teach people how to treat us - i know i did. hell, i was willing to except scraps because that is all i thought i deserved. HOW WRONG WAS I !!!!!!!!! and it sounds as though you are doing the same thing.

so, sasy what i am trying to say is this - we all here seem to think you are worth alot more than you do - and i think it is time for a change.

the 180, if you stumble one day, well get up the next and pick up where you left off. it takes practice.

drink lots of greet tea, hot or cold. but the real stuff.

exercise, move those muscles, breathe in the fresh air.

begin to put YOU first, that is important. if you do not love you then how can you expect anyone else to? you it is all about YOU, YOU, YOU. LOVE YOU>

your best life now - by joel osteen it is has been a great help. not religious per say, but rather self help - the message is one that helps you to realize how important you are as a person. is helps you to see that you are worth far more than you realize. self esteem - so many of us seem to loose it along the way when we are married to selfish people. but remember WE - people like YOU and I are really to blame because we gave our power away to another person. that is NEVER EVER the right thing to do.

there is a woman on this site who found out that her h was involved with another woman and that they he and the other woman were planning a life together. well when the wife found out - she told him get out. he freaked, all of a sudden when the rubber hit the road he was snapped back into reality. oh, how i wish i would have been that woman many years ago.

you should say: you think i am worth so little? you think your life is so bad? well there is the door don't let it hit ya where the good Lord split ya!!!!!!!!!!!!!! see ya!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

do not become a victim of his self absorbent, selfish, egotistical, sex driven, demeaning ways. it is time for you to draw a line in the sand.

i too, was in therapy for many years. always making the excuse, the kids, the career, yada yada - the truth is i was afraid. afraid of being alone, afraid of loosing what i had come to know as mine. well, the news flash is this - none of us own another no matter how good or how bad the relationship is.

where the heck was my brain??????????? why couldn't i see just what a catch i was???????????? ha ha

now that i have got you laughing i am going to challenge you to consider everything i and all of the other fine friends have sent your way.

believe in yourself just 1/10 as much as we do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2009
In reply to: shrtnsasy
Mon, 08-24-2009 - 8:32pm

Hi Sasy,


Ya know, he sounds like he's full of it and himself.

T.J.