Help, confused....need your thoughts and opinions
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Help, confused....need your thoughts and opinions
|Tue, 02-25-2014 - 7:58am|
OH is a tireless fantasizer who seems to think that he really is God's gift to the world.
I must admit that I was blown away by him at first - he really knew what he was doing in bed, was charming, thoughtful and educated. Yeah, I fell for him.
I remember way back at the beginning when he told me that he is bisexual and sometimes liked to go to a guy's sex cinema and get a blowjob. I said that's ok for me, the only thing I want is honesty and not to be lied to. He told me how cool it was to have such an open minded partner. He had never even told his ex-wife about being bisexual. I am open minded, I have had open relationships before and I would again in the future, but I don't want lies and sneaking around in secret.
But it wasn't long until the lies started - I'm working late, all that baloney....whilst sneaking off to the sex cinema as he later admitted. He couldn't explain why he wasn't honest about where he'd been. It was completely illogical at the time.
Then I started getting more and more suspicious about his 'late working' and it turns out I was right to be. He was using live chats and cams, flirting with other woman, getting off with them. I felt so betrayed and cried my heart out.
Typically though I tried to work harder to be attractive to him and fulfill his large sexual desires, I went to swingers clubs with him, gave him the support required to join couple's websites (although he never included me in actually using the sites), basically tried everything to fulfill his desires. And I enjoyed myself too!
Next suspicisons arose however when we were supposed to be going to our favorite club together and he blew it off at short notice claiming tiredness. I checked the internet history as it was such strange behaviour and found out that he had been masturbating for 7 hours with some internet hookers. He'd also registered as a single man on a dating site for Russian brides.
So I knew then that no matter what I did to please him, it would never be enough. He seems to need the naughty, dirty, secretive side of affairs, it gives him his kicks. But that is the only thing I really don't want. The lies, the sordedness. I like sex, i like a lot of sex. But I need it to be truthfull.
Not wanting to split up and unsettle our (non-mutual) kids again, I concentrated on myself, re-kindled some old hobbies, we bought a house together and I thought things were settling down.
But I was wrong of course, he was back on the cams, every time I left the house. Our sex life was practically dead by now. I carried so much pain and hurt and disappointment i couldn't bear him to touch me. In the end I confronted him again though and gave him an ultimatum. He chose me, quit the cams, even went to a therapist for some sessions although he wouldn't speak in detail about the discussions there.
He pronounced himself healed about a year ago now and kind of expected me to come running again. But I couldn't. The emotional turmoil was too great, the feelings of betrayal. The mixed up thoughts because afterall, he hadn't physically been with other women had he? If you like, it was all just fantasy. Surely that's not proper betrayal? I'm now the plate which has been thrown on the floor, shattered and then glued back together. In one piece of course, but not the same anymore.
Then I broke my back in an accident and was laid up for months, obviously no sex gonna happen....and sure enough, I find out he's been re-kindling an old flame, a 'real person' with whom he wants to start an affair. Then he backs out at the last moment, saying he's sorry but he's got too much to lose.
But now I suddenly find out that he is registered again on a site for people specifically seeking affairs and he's been looking to rent a bachelor pad near his office. Wtf? I don't know yet if anything physical will come of this or if it's another fantasy kind of thing but it's killing me inside. He is a paid member too so he is clearly really serious about finding someone. I don't know what to do anymore. Neither of us are in a strong enough financial position to leave but I for one, do not know how to keep living like this and I have my 2 kids to consider too. They get on pretty well with OH, better than their own father, they are at a critical time of their education and in puberty with their all-important friends. We have a bunch of animals too and it's not easy to find somewhere suitable to live with them.
But how do I move on from here? Is it possible to stay together with someone like this? Is it possible that he will ever change? Maybe I should add that he also has erectile problems and has taken viagra ever since it came on the market in order to sustain erection, so maybe his never-ending pseudo infidelity (or is it real, who knows...) is linked with a psychological problem to do with this? Has anyone ever heard of or experienced such a person? Am I mad / wrong to feel betrayed if he hasn't done anything physical? Any shared thoughts will be greatly appreciated!