Help, confused....need your thoughts and opinions

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2014
Help, confused....need your thoughts and opinions
Tue, 02-25-2014 - 7:58am

OH is a tireless fantasizer who seems to think that he really is God's gift to the world.
I must admit that I was blown away by him at first - he really knew what he was doing in bed, was charming, thoughtful and educated. Yeah, I fell for him.
I remember way back at the beginning when he told me that he is bisexual and sometimes liked to go to a guy's sex cinema and get a blowjob. I said that's ok for me, the only thing I want is honesty and not to be lied to. He told me how cool it was to have such an open minded partner. He had never even told his ex-wife about being bisexual. I am open minded, I have had open relationships before and I would again in the future, but I don't want lies and sneaking around in secret.
But it wasn't long until the lies started - I'm working late, all that baloney....whilst sneaking off to the sex cinema as he later admitted. He couldn't explain why he wasn't honest about where he'd been. It was completely illogical at the time. 
Then I started getting more and more suspicious about his 'late working' and it turns out I was right to be. He was using live chats and cams, flirting with other woman, getting off with them. I felt so betrayed and cried my heart out.
Typically though I tried to work harder to be attractive to him and fulfill his large sexual desires, I went to swingers clubs with him, gave him the support required to join couple's websites (although he never included me in actually using the sites), basically tried everything to fulfill his desires. And I enjoyed myself too!
Next suspicisons arose however when we were supposed to be going to our favorite club together and he blew it off at short notice claiming tiredness. I checked the internet history as it was such strange behaviour and found out that he had been masturbating for 7 hours with some internet hookers. He'd also registered as a single man on a dating site for Russian brides.
So I knew then that no matter what I did to please him, it would never be enough. He seems to need the naughty, dirty, secretive side of affairs, it gives him his kicks. But that is the only thing I really don't want. The lies, the sordedness. I like sex, i like a lot of sex. But I need it to be truthfull.
Not wanting to split up and unsettle our (non-mutual) kids again,  I concentrated on myself, re-kindled some old hobbies, we bought a house together and I thought things were settling down.
But I was wrong of course, he was back on the cams, every time I left the house. Our sex life was practically dead by now. I carried so much pain and hurt and disappointment i couldn't bear him to touch me. In the end I confronted him again though and gave him an ultimatum. He chose me, quit the cams, even went to a therapist for some sessions although he wouldn't speak in detail about the discussions there. 
He pronounced himself healed about a year ago now and kind of expected me to come running again. But I couldn't. The emotional turmoil was too great, the feelings of betrayal. The mixed up thoughts because afterall, he hadn't physically been with other women had he? If you like, it was all just fantasy. Surely that's not proper betrayal? I'm now the plate which has been thrown on the floor, shattered and then glued back together. In one piece of course, but not the same anymore.
Then I broke my back in an accident and was laid up for months, obviously no sex gonna happen....and sure enough, I find out he's been re-kindling an old flame, a 'real person' with whom he wants to start an affair. Then he backs out at the last moment, saying he's sorry but he's got too much to lose.
But now I suddenly find out that he is registered again on a site for people specifically seeking affairs and he's been looking to rent a bachelor pad near his office. Wtf? I don't know yet if anything physical will come of this or if it's another fantasy kind of thing but it's killing me inside. He is a paid member too so he is clearly really serious about finding someone. I don't know what to do anymore. Neither of us are in a strong enough financial position to leave but I for one, do not know how to keep living like this and I have my 2 kids to consider too. They get on pretty well with OH, better than their own father, they are at a critical time of their education and in puberty with their all-important friends. We have a bunch of animals too and it's not easy to find somewhere suitable to live with them.
But how do I move on from here? Is it possible to stay together with someone like this? Is it possible that he will ever change? Maybe I should add that he also has erectile problems and has taken viagra ever since it came on the market in order to sustain erection, so maybe his never-ending pseudo infidelity (or is it real, who knows...) is linked with a psychological problem to do with this? Has anyone ever heard of or experienced such a person? Am I mad / wrong to feel betrayed if he hasn't done anything physical? Any shared thoughts will be greatly appreciated!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

The first thing I will say is that I doubt he will ever change completely--if you complain he might be good for a while, but as you see, then he'd be back to his bad habits.  It's up to you whether or not you are willing to put up with this--you have to decide if it's ok with you if he has online encounters if he never meets someone IRL.  The fact that he was looking to rent an apt. does make it seem like he would be willing to have an actual affair.

The other thing I want to say is that you reach a point where your personal happiness is more important than whatever financial sacrifices you have to go through.  When I was married to my 2nd DH, things were bad, but I kept putting off getting a divorce.  At first it was because my son was in elementary school and we lived w/in walking distance from the school, so I was waiting for him to go to the middle school.  Then there was always something else.  The big issue was that my ex & I owned a house together and I did not have enough money to refinance to buy him out and I didn't really want to sell the house cause I had 2 kids, even though one was away at college.  But finally I decided that things were so bad that even if I had to sell the house & get an apartment, it was worth it not to have to live with him, so I talked to my kids and they agreed that they didn't really care about the house--they just wanted him gone.  The ironic thing was that then he agreed to wait until my son graduated from high school to get his money, so it all worked out.  But you have to decide yourself when you have gotten to that point.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

#1.  A big part of his psyche gets off on going behind your back.  It's no fun if you know about it!

#2. You went into it with your eyes wide open.  The man is a confessed bisexual sex addict.

#3.  You will NEVER be enough for him, it has nothing to do with how attractive you are, and you will neve fulfill his sexual needs.

#4.  If your children are reaching puberty, then they do NOT need to be around a pervert like him.  Children are wise these days, and they're probably on to him already......and will think that what he does is "normal" you're creating another generation of whack jobs. 

#5.  What's more important, your "animals" or your children?  Get rid of the animals and get them out of this bizarre situation.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

  Yes this in not uncommon.  Both men and women have problems with this.  This would need a sex theripist who is sex positive other wise it will be a mess. 

Yes sneaking might give him the extra thrill.  However his physician needs to check his blood flow just to be sure nothing physical is wrong.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2002

Dear Confused, you said it yourself, this man is "tireless", meaning he won't stop.  He appears to be a sex addict although you suggest he doesn't actually follow thru with the act with another person.  However masterbating for seven hours is obviously not normal behavior.  You asked how you should proceed from here.  It is obvious this man is hurting you, and destroying your relationship.  Even if you are a free spirit and respect a somewhat liberal sexual relationship, this is clearly NOT a healthy one.  This man is preoccuped to a very very unhealthy degree.  How can he possibly focus on you, when he is looking for Russian brides and trolling for sex partners?  

Additionally, I would consider him an extreme danger to your children.  He has no sexual boundaries.  He is sick, not sexually liberal.  Protect yourself, and most especially your children.  Leave him quickly.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010

I absolutely agree with fissatore and lisachilene. Your children are at risk. This is NOT normal behaviour; I don't care how liberal you are. You knew exactly what he was when you moved in with him; why did you think he'd ever change, especially when you gave him permission to continue with it and went with him to swingers clubs?  Furthermore, let me get this straight, you knowlingly had no problem with him being bisexual, going to guy's cinemas and getting oral sex yet NOW you have a problem with him cheating??? I'm not clear on whether he was getting the BJs from other guys or from women but either way, its cheating.

No one loves their animals more than I do but fissatore is right. Your kids should be your main priority. IDK what state you live in but here his behavior and yours and the lifestyle you live could easily find you with your kids taken away.  Many states have a moral clause regarding living together and inappropriate sexual behavior around children. My divorce decree clearly states no cohabitation and no overnight visits from a member of the opposite sex when I have the children.