Help! I hate him for what he's done

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2004
Help! I hate him for what he's done
Sun, 01-18-2009 - 7:04am

I posted a few days ago that I found out that my husband of 5 weeks is cheating. I think it really hit me this morning after he took his cell phone in the shower with him. It's attached at his hip from the moment he gets up in the morning until he goes to bed at night, but now he's locking it in the bathroom with him when he's in the shower.

I still haven't told him I know what he's doing. I've decided that I want to try to wait until I have more substantial proof before I do anything at all. I went online this morning on the off chance that he would leave anything in his accounts to show what he's been up to. He's been deleting most of his message histories, but he forgot something yesterday.

My mother had two heart attacks this week. While I was in the hospital with her all day yesterday, he was messaging his thing, trying to set up a rendezvous. How sick is that? My mother is at death's door and he's off running around with her.

I'm so depressed that I can barely move. I have a full-time job, a part-time job, and I'm taking college courses part-time. I don't know how long I'm going to be able to drag myself through the week with this on my back.

We were supposed to start trying to conceive next month (when we are supposed to leave on our honeymoon!) and now that's not going to happen. His touch makes my skin crawl. I was so looking forward to trying for a baby. I feel like he robbed me of my life before it even got started.

dreaming of becoming a mommy blinkie


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2009
Sun, 01-18-2009 - 9:52am


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2004
Sun, 01-18-2009 - 11:02am

Thank you for the reply. Don't worry, I have no intentions of having a child with this "man." I couldn't do that to myself and I couldn't do that to my child. I can only imagine how much of my pregnancy I would wonder if he is off with someone else.

I don't know why I want more proof. I think that if I walked in on him in the middle of the act I would still want more proof. I don't know what purpose it would serve. Maybe I want to have the "whole" hurt? I don't know. I'm not thinking very well. Maybe I think that if I have that kind of solid proof I'll think better. It will be easier to say good-bye? I honestly don't know what my motivations are.

I am a very active Christian and I'm having a problem even considering the idea of divorce. I'm miserable, I don't want to be here, I don't believe for a second he'll change - but I vowed before God to stand beside him through anything. Doesn't anything include adultery? Is this what God set for me? I can't talk to my preacher, he's related to me and I don't want my family to know. What if - by some chance - we work things out? Having my family know what he's done would just make it more difficult.

I just sit back and watch him do it more and more. Is this really my life?

dreaming of becoming a mommy blinkie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2008
Sun, 01-18-2009 - 11:10am

There are a lot of good men out there, you can do better.

This is going to sound harsh, but I mean it in the best way possible- thank your lucky stars that you found out what kind of person he is early in your marriage, before you create much wealth together, and especially before you create new life together.

Kids are the biggest reason why I stayed in my marriage. My divorce lawyer told me when asked about financial consequences, that a divorce will set me back financially to roughly where I was before marriage, and it will take at least as many years as I have been married to catch up to where I am today. (Oh yeah, get yourself a good divorce lawyer pronto for consultation- you don't need to file for divorce, but you need to be prepaired- think of it as wearing a seatbelt in the car: you don't wear it because you plan on crashing, but because you are being prepared for an unlikely event.)

Affairs are really tough on the self-esteem- and are far more damaging to the betrayed spouse than the wayward spouse. Keep your chin up and realize that there is nothing you could have done or done better to prevent this- its not your fault!

I'd like to say that things are going to work out for you and that the problem will resolve itself and go away, but they won't. Its going to be very tough for you over the next few months. Take care of yourself, delve into your spirituality, get plenty of exercise, and be good to yourself.

Either confront and get to a good marriage counselor, or end it.

I'll say a prayer for you today.

Avatar for tobermory
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2001
Sun, 01-18-2009 - 11:21am

A loving G-d would not want you to stay with someone who is treating you so shabbily. Adultery is a reason to divorce, especially when it is ongoing and done with impunity as your husband's is. You have very solid proof -- that is enough. Just get out now before too much time has passed -- do you want to spend years like this -- miserable and watching him treat you badly? Not having any of your needs met? Do you really think that is what G-d has in mind for you?

You have only been married for a few weeks, he has let you know how he intends to be a husband and you need to believe him. This is going to be very difficult, but it probably won't be more difficult than what you are going through now. And it will end, as opposed to staying indefinitely and him running around on you. And then you will heal, and then you will find someone who treats you nicely and respects you and with whom you are happy and not miserable.


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2009
Sun, 01-18-2009 - 11:52am


Please - take my word for it, catching him 'in the act' won't help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2009
Sun, 01-18-2009 - 12:05pm

Saydar...I know what you are going through. I have almost 20 years in my marriage and it has been blown apart.

I know that you mentioned that you are a Christian but Adultery is a reason for Divorce (new testament and old testament).

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I could not imagine stating a family with this "man"..or should I say little boy?

Please keep posting here. I have finding alot of really compassioned people here.


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sun, 01-18-2009 - 12:32pm
Really Honey you have all the proof you need. The only reason a man would have to take his phone in the shower with him and lock it is because he is hiding something from you. Not to mention deleting all his messages. You saw the one message he forgot to delete and that's all the proof you need. You need to confront him before this does turn into a physical affair. One thing in your post that struck me though is that you have a full time job AND a part time job AND go to school. Could be he's feeling neglected because you have no time left for him and that's WHY he's seeking attention elsewhere. Men need a lot of attention. They are often like children and when they don't get enough at home they will suck in any attention they get from a female elsewhere. I am not saying it's right but it happens all the time. This is just some food for thought.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Sun, 01-18-2009 - 1:48pm

he has NOT robbed you of your life, you life has just begun. do not give him that kind of power over you where you believe without what you thought you had you have no life. BS!!!!!!!!!!!!

i know you are hurting, but believe me it is far better that you found out now vs. later; after an innocent child was born to a liar for a father. any man who is going to start cheating this early in a relationship was NEVER in it to begin with. he thinks he deserves to have his cake and eat it to. he wants the wife, the children, the house, the dog, and other women.

i hope your printed what you found. because without the copy he will stand there and lie to your face. accuse you of being crazy, say that the computer mixed up him with someone else. he will beg he will cry he will promis. he will be the perfect little husband for a short time, just time enough for you to think he is now devoted to you. NOT,

if you hae the copy you have all of the proof you need. make several copies of the copy, leave one with a friend or relative because he is going to be searching for it.

why continue to put yourself thru this hell. you could possibly end up with a std, pregnant or both. if you believe that you deserve better then demand better NOT FROM HIM, BUT FROM YOURSELF. when someone shows you who and what they are BELIEVE THEM.

someone as special as you deserves a far better man than this. you deserve someone who loves and adores you. someone who likes and enjoys you. someone who respects and protects you. someone who believes in the sanctity of marriage and is committed to you and the life the TWO OF YOU planned.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 01-18-2009 - 3:46pm

Your new H has revealed his true character to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 01-18-2009 - 3:48pm
I grew up in a fairly conservative church and even way back then they accepted a biblical reasons for a divorce (and once again, you might qualify for an annulment) - desertion and adultery.