Help! I hate him for what he's done

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2004
Help! I hate him for what he's done
Sun, 01-18-2009 - 7:04am

I posted a few days ago that I found out that my husband of 5 weeks is cheating. I think it really hit me this morning after he took his cell phone in the shower with him. It's attached at his hip from the moment he gets up in the morning until he goes to bed at night, but now he's locking it in the bathroom with him when he's in the shower.

I still haven't told him I know what he's doing. I've decided that I want to try to wait until I have more substantial proof before I do anything at all. I went online this morning on the off chance that he would leave anything in his accounts to show what he's been up to. He's been deleting most of his message histories, but he forgot something yesterday.

My mother had two heart attacks this week. While I was in the hospital with her all day yesterday, he was messaging his thing, trying to set up a rendezvous. How sick is that? My mother is at death's door and he's off running around with her.

I'm so depressed that I can barely move. I have a full-time job, a part-time job, and I'm taking college courses part-time. I don't know how long I'm going to be able to drag myself through the week with this on my back.

We were supposed to start trying to conceive next month (when we are supposed to leave on our honeymoon!) and now that's not going to happen. His touch makes my skin crawl. I was so looking forward to trying for a baby. I feel like he robbed me of my life before it even got started.

dreaming of becoming a mommy blinkie


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Wed, 01-21-2009 - 5:17pm
Oh, well put!!!


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2005
Wed, 01-21-2009 - 3:11pm

I am so sorry you are going through this. This may sound harsh, but you need to divorce him before things go any further. It is extremely hard to deal with cheating but it is really easier to leave now, because you don't have children yet. I am sorry about your mother. I will pray for your family. Hang in there. This is a great place to be when you need friends who understand what you are going through. You deserve better. Try to always remember that.


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2007
Tue, 01-20-2009 - 1:42pm

Go to your pastor.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2008
Tue, 01-20-2009 - 9:33am

I agree that you are lucky to have found out early. I have been married for about a year and a half and my mother passed away a month before the wedding. I needed to grieve some during our first year, you can't control when life throws you these things. I found out my spouse was only in it for the good times and she asked for a divorce recently after being absent from the marriage for some time. I had been trying very hard and our counselor had commented about positive aspects of my attitude but that she seemed to be drifting farther and farther away.

I found out why one day when i looked at her phone. She had been chatting and talking daily with another man, meeting him out for drinks until the wee hours of the morning when she was telling me that she was with "the girls".

After confronting her she spend a whole 24 hours being remorseful, telling me I was a bigger person, that she wasn't that strong, and that we should try. She then said she would email him and tell him it was over.

It didn't last. She became distant 48 hours later and then I finally said, ok.. I'll sign the papers. She had made up her mind to leave but was again hoping I would dote on her and make it easy. I don't understand these kind of people, but I can tell you that the world is full of many wonderful and kind people who can make you happy. Sometimes people are so selfish they don't realize that a partnership is to stand by each other. It may be something they will never find. Go find it for yourself now that you know what you are working with.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Mon, 01-19-2009 - 4:43pm
He's surely robbed you of your MARRIAGE before it had a chance.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 01-18-2009 - 3:48pm
I grew up in a fairly conservative church and even way back then they accepted a biblical reasons for a divorce (and once again, you might qualify for an annulment) - desertion and adultery.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 01-18-2009 - 3:46pm

Your new H has revealed his true character to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Sun, 01-18-2009 - 1:48pm

he has NOT robbed you of your life, you life has just begun. do not give him that kind of power over you where you believe without what you thought you had you have no life. BS!!!!!!!!!!!!

i know you are hurting, but believe me it is far better that you found out now vs. later; after an innocent child was born to a liar for a father. any man who is going to start cheating this early in a relationship was NEVER in it to begin with. he thinks he deserves to have his cake and eat it to. he wants the wife, the children, the house, the dog, and other women.

i hope your printed what you found. because without the copy he will stand there and lie to your face. accuse you of being crazy, say that the computer mixed up him with someone else. he will beg he will cry he will promis. he will be the perfect little husband for a short time, just time enough for you to think he is now devoted to you. NOT,

if you hae the copy you have all of the proof you need. make several copies of the copy, leave one with a friend or relative because he is going to be searching for it.

why continue to put yourself thru this hell. you could possibly end up with a std, pregnant or both. if you believe that you deserve better then demand better NOT FROM HIM, BUT FROM YOURSELF. when someone shows you who and what they are BELIEVE THEM.

someone as special as you deserves a far better man than this. you deserve someone who loves and adores you. someone who likes and enjoys you. someone who respects and protects you. someone who believes in the sanctity of marriage and is committed to you and the life the TWO OF YOU planned.


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sun, 01-18-2009 - 12:32pm
Really Honey you have all the proof you need. The only reason a man would have to take his phone in the shower with him and lock it is because he is hiding something from you. Not to mention deleting all his messages. You saw the one message he forgot to delete and that's all the proof you need. You need to confront him before this does turn into a physical affair. One thing in your post that struck me though is that you have a full time job AND a part time job AND go to school. Could be he's feeling neglected because you have no time left for him and that's WHY he's seeking attention elsewhere. Men need a lot of attention. They are often like children and when they don't get enough at home they will suck in any attention they get from a female elsewhere. I am not saying it's right but it happens all the time. This is just some food for thought.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2009
Sun, 01-18-2009 - 12:05pm

Saydar...I know what you are going through. I have almost 20 years in my marriage and it has been blown apart.

I know that you mentioned that you are a Christian but Adultery is a reason for Divorce (new testament and old testament).

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I could not imagine stating a family with this "man"..or should I say little boy?

Please keep posting here. I have finding alot of really compassioned people here.