Help Needed-Emotional Affair??

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2012
Help Needed-Emotional Affair??
5
Fri, 04-20-2012 - 11:12pm

My husband and I are in our mid 50s and married for 32 years.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2012
Sun, 04-29-2012 - 3:19am
I truly am not trying to upset you but do not make the same mistake I made...my husband had the same type of friend at Work the exact scenario and then changed the email passwords too. He even went as far as to swear to me nothing was going on she was just so helpful to him at helping with difficult projects I bought it all...this past March I just learned they were having a 3year affair and after that a one year affair with another employee. Don't trust him....sounds very fishy!!!)
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Mon, 04-23-2012 - 1:34am
Your very welcome. And FYI we all think we are going crazy when we just know somethings going on but we can't prove it. That gut feeling is rarely ever wrong. I always knew when my H was up to no good but I just couldn't prove it. Whatever you do, DO NOT act suspiciious or question him anymore without proof. If he suspects your on to him he will go out of his way to hide their communication from you. Have you noticed any difference in the way he's treating you other than the pulling away? Has he become more unkind and critical towards you?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2012
Sun, 04-22-2012 - 8:32pm
Thank you all for the comments. It is nice to know that others agree with me. I was starting think I was going crazy. I am still not sure how I will handle this situation. I picked up the book 'Not Just Friends' today that was suggested. I have started reading it. Any help I can get will be an advantage, as this has really left me helpless feeling. I really appreciate the wonderful responses.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sat, 04-21-2012 - 3:36am

No you are NOT making too much of this at all. There are many clues in your husbands behavior that point to an affair and your gut is screaming at you.
1) Him joining a gym upon HER requests when this is something he would never have considered doing in the 32 years you've been married. People in an affair (be it an EA or PA) will do things they don't normally do to please the AP. For instance they may start listening to a difference type of music cause it's what the AP listens to, or drinking wine when they were always a beer drinker because the AP is a wine drinker.
2) Him talking about her all the time. That means he's thinking about her frequently outside of work.
3) Him getting angry and defensive when you brought up to him that you think their getting too close. He should have been reassuring that he loves you and would never do anything to hurt you. Instead he got angry and defensive just because you expressed your concerns. You did NOT accuse him of having an affair with her right?
4) Him not being able to take a job unless SHE can come with and then lying to you about it .
5) Him changing his passwords on his e mail and cell phone (and I'd bet he did that shortly after you mentioned your concern about them getting "too close" ) I believe he did that because he suspects your "on to him"
6) Him now being very protective of his phone, even though he's already changed the password so you can't acess it anyhow.
7) Him no longer wanting sexual contact with you.
8) His loss of interest in family and pulling away from family functions.
I'm so sorry for you honey, and I have been there myself, but these are all HUGE RED FLAGS. Now I will almost guarantee you that he will DENY it if you confront him. What I would do if I were you is "accidentally forget your cell phone" the next time you 2 go somewhere, and tell him you need to use his phone to make a call. Do NOTgive him any forewarning that you forgot your phone or time to delete anything before he hands it over to you. He will have no hesitaion whatsoever if he isn't hiding anything. GOOD LUCK.


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2011
Sat, 04-21-2012 - 12:51am
Hello, Been there I feel for you. It sounds to me as though your radar is correct. Someone from this site suggested the book "not Just Friends" by Dr Glass and it helped me. There are a ton of good books out there but this one was an easy read that actually my husband read a few chapters. My husband did the same thing I used to work with him and him and his partner came in one day and said how much weight this customer lost and how he thought she had a crush on my husband. I had his email passcode since I worked with him and him and his partner would once a year take customers to a concert. Well that year she was going and she was single, but they had a group of 10 customers mostly married. But I slowly felt my husband slipping away. Emotionally and physically the last final thing was I was working with him at this customers place of work and I needed her to answer a question and my husband was across the room talking to other people. Well I went back to what I was doing and ,y husband asked what I was talking to her about. I just felt weird like something was wrong. That night I went through all of his work emails and I had them filtered to who they were going too and I found what I was looking for, a flirtatious exchange that lasted for 3 mos with two weeks before I checked them , him asking her to dinner. When she declined and stated she was seeing someone he responded you are an attractive nice person so I had to ask. With all of this evidence he still denied it. Blaming it on me, that he felt alone and wanted to talk to a woman for advice on our marriage. What a joke. I would like to tell you it got better but it didn't we had to hit rock bottom to finally get it better. By better I do not mean completely trusting him I mean better in marriage counseling with an awesome counselor that has opened my husbands eyes to what he did and why he did it. It is like an addict it always our fault, we are paranoid etc. For me I hit the bottom I had no where to go so I contacted the customer myself. She admitted she liked the attention but said she would never be married to someone like that. I seriously think that's what probably did it. He had no clue what he looked like to others. I went to counseling first since he initially refused to go and I felt my life spiraling out of control, because the one thing I always thought I could count on was gone. Maybe that will help you because if your husband is getting defensive and pushing the blame on you, you can begin to second guess things and your gut instinct but don't. I am not sure if I was much help, but I wish you luck and I hope it works out. Please don't hesitate to contact me if you need too. Thanks, K
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2012
Sat, 04-21-2012 - 12:45am
Go with your gut. You weren't uneasy for several years with her in his life and now you are, something has changed in their relationship. If it's simply a friendship then he shouldn't be defensive or hiding his email and whatever is on his phone. She should not be a factor in a Life decision like changing jobs especially if he is her supervisor. You have plenty of reasons to be concerned. I would start with the cell phone. How much are they texting and talking? Are they texting when they are at work together to avoid conversations in front of coworkers? I don't think your overreacting at all.