Here we go again!

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Here we go again!
Mon, 07-23-2012 - 1:26pm

I found out on the weekend that my fiancee has been having a 3 year on/off affair.  We have been together 2 years and were supposed to get married in August of this year, needless to say I have called off the wedding.  Unfortunately for me I have been thru this before my X husband had an affair, and when that was exposed he didn't care, he left me for the other woman without any remorse or even wanting to work things out.  So now here I am going thru this for a second time in 4 years, and the difference is my fiancee wants to work it out between him and I, he has agreed to councelling (which we start this week) and this is probably moreso for me to understand how to get over it and trust again if thats possible and not be such a b**ch towards him. 

Not that this by any means excuses his actions but my fiancee lost his wife suddenly 5 years ago in her sleep she was 39 and died of a heart attack and he was lonely and lost after that, which I totally undertand.  What I don't understand is why once he moved in with me and moreso asked me to marry him last August he didn't break it off then?  He said he was hoping "it would go away" how by continually meeting and sleeping with her was he hoping she woudl go away?  She texted me on the weekend and said "your the winner" he texted her and told her they were done for good, but how do I know this isn't their plan to pull the wool over my eyes?  So as it stands the score is infidelity:2 me:0!

I guess it says something that he wants to stay and work this out, he says he does love me and the last two years have not been a lie, but how do I know for sure?  I never will.  I do love him, I'm just very angry and hurt.



iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2011
In reply to:
Sun, 07-29-2012 - 4:16pm

HI Double-

I don't normally post on here because I am not a betrayed spouse.  I was the cheater. But something in your post concerned I hope you don't mind my 2 cents here.

 he has agreed to councelling (which we start this week) and this is probably moreso for me to understand how to get over it and trust again if thats possible

I am really glad that he has agreed to go to counseling.  And while you may need help trusting again,  your fiance is the one who really needs the counseling.   If he doesn't get to the bottom of why he had the affair in the first place, it leaves the door open for further betrayal.  It took me several years in counseling to really uncover all the things in my past that led me to the devastating decision to have an affair. 

It may say something that he wants to stay and make it work,   It may mean he loves you.  Or it may mean he has a deep fear of abandonment or something else and that's why he wants to stay.   I just want to encourage you to be sure all these questions are answered and that he doesn't just gloss over everything with apologies.  The apologies may be sincere right now, but when loneliness or fear strikes again, he may stray if he hasn't had healing through counseling.

I hope this was helpful. 

Formerly heartacheafter7years