In Hindsight - Showing Your Cards

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2008
In Hindsight - Showing Your Cards
5
Sat, 04-11-2009 - 11:25am

HELP - I'm the one whose husband claims it wasn't adultery because we were having problems and about to separate.


Although too late now, I was told I shouldn't have let on that I know anything.

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Sat, 04-11-2009 - 6:31pm

Marie

I think the lawyer is correct. "Showing" calm cool and collected rather than anger is far more painful to your H. It's been twenty years but I broke up with my first love after we dated for like all of high school and part of college. She began seeing someone and I asked her for my stuff. Well, she dropped it off at the house about three days later. I kept away for like three weeks but lost it. I threw myself at her. She was calm and collected and said no, and it just crushed me. I moved back east to live with my sister to find a way to get over that conversation. Ten years later I had moved back to our home state and this old girlfriend ran into my spouse and they went to lunch. She told my spouse that breaking up with me was devastating, that she cried her guts out, but that it had to happen.

The fact is that she didn't show her to me hurt one bit and that really drop kicked me at the time. Hell, it's been 20 years and just thinking about it still pulls strong emotions.

Anyway

Something to think about.

Thomas

5 kids ages 15-9, D Day: August 5, 2008

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2008
Sat, 04-11-2009 - 8:57pm

Thanks Thomas,


I think he's surprised that I'm moving forward without a battle.

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Sun, 04-12-2009 - 6:39pm

So are you saying that regardless of his adultery, I should never confront him about what he's done?

Humm, I don't know the answer to that. The "guilt and the waiting" is going to be far harder on him than the confrontation will be. It's your call what you want to do with that. He knows what he did, you know some of what he did. You're in the drivers seat here. I would take that power thoughtfully and not do something you will regret, or visa verse.

I'm hoping someone else who is more in your situation will comment.

You need to take care of yourself, eat good food, exercise, find a self help book. These are what helped me cope. You are going to get through this. You are going to be doing better at some point and you will find happiness again. OK. You just have to get through this.

Thomas

5 kids ages 15-9, D Day: August 5, 2008

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Sun, 04-12-2009 - 8:09pm

Hi Marie,


I can honestly tell you that after being separated from stbx for a little over a year I am doing so much better!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2008
Sun, 04-12-2009 - 9:14pm

I just researched