How can I be supportive for my mother?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2009
How can I be supportive for my mother?
6
Sat, 04-17-2010 - 8:34pm

I just found out my mothers 26 year marriage is opening up against her wishes, because my father is no longer happy with her appearance. This is a huge blow to my mother who has had weight issues for the past

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2010
Sat, 04-17-2010 - 8:42pm
You should definitely bring it up to your mother, if it helps you, you can bring it up by saying how much it is hurting YOU you can't imagine how much it must be hurting her - if your father brings it up, tell him how selfish he is being and that he can't have his cake and eat it too, to move in with his senorita, as your mom doesn't need to be washing his senorita off of your dads clothes after his 'dates' and also that you will be taking your Mom out to the movies, or dinner, or a gym and perhaps she will meet someone that will treat her as she is to be treated. I'm betting he wouldn't like THAT one one bit..... but yes, be there for your Mom mostly to listen, she'll need to vent, check and see if there are any low cost groups or counselors for her to go too, and your father is not cheating because of her weight, that's just an excuse. it's because something is lacking inside of him, that his ego needs boosting... not how much your mother weighs....
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sun, 04-18-2010 - 3:13am
I am a bit confused.
1. are you parents from another country/culture?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
Sun, 04-18-2010 - 12:43pm

i had been married about that long as well when i discovered what my h was up to. i was devastated. the hurt, the pain, the deflated ego - it was if my life ended.

i too found myself talking to my married daughter about her marriage - so wanting her to not ever get into this same situation. finally she confronted me, "mom we need to talk, i am here for you, i love you and i know you are in pain - i can see it, i can feel it". i totally broke down as i had been carrying so much within me, building this wall around me. she encouraged me to also reach out to others that were going thru the same thing that is when i found this site.

this site saved my life - i had attempted to end my life once early on an then found myself in that valley of depression - thinking i had no value - yet again. the morning i was planning to succeed in ending my life i signed on to this site and posted. a woman who was getting ready to go visit her mom logged on and read my post, it concerned her and she wrote to me. she told me she was worried about me and her message spoke to me. i thought 'why would a perfect stranger care so much about someone as pitiful as me?' that one person gave me a renewed strength that saved my life.

your mom needs a shoulder, she needs someone to understand just how bad she feels. no disrespect meant, but until and unless you have been thru this it is hard to really understand what it feels like.

i would recommend that you tell her about this site. encourage her to read the posts, as many as possible and to write to us and unload. that is what we are here for. we have been where she is.

additionally i would recommend the following:

a book - 'your best life now' by joel osteen - many of my friends on this site have read it and while yes he is a pastor - this book is about real life and how to dig down, dig deep and learn how to love yourself.

call her daily - just to check in, she needs to know she is loved, valued. she needs to know someone cares and thinks she is special.

encourage her to NOT allow your dad to fence sit. if he wants margaritaville 'there is the door - don't let it hit ya where the good Lord split ya. NOONE has it all. most of the time they realize all that youth this other woman has does not rub off. he can not recapture what he once had as a young man. she needs to draw a line in the sand.

there is a list on this site called the 180* - download it, print it and give it to her to follow.

encourage her to love herself. take an interest in herself. many of us, myself included got comfortable with mid life - then we are hit with this tornado, walk by a mirror and do not recognize the woman we have become. we have been so content with taking care of everyone else that we lost site of us - forgot to take care of us. we no longer take note of those few extra pounds, larger size of levis we find ourselves trying on. our hair style, more times than not the same one we have been carrying around for years. when all of this happened to me i was a very attractive woman, yet i too had stopped putting the interest, effort into me. well, NOT any more. i began drinking green tea - bought crystal geiser water by the case put green tea bag in each bottle and loaded up the frig, each day i drink about 8 of them - no sodas, occasionally i will have a sip of merlot but the green tea has done wonders for sludge inside. i am a blonde (with a little grey) what the hell, i went and had some chocolate sections colored into it. designed my own hair style, and yes indeed i do look good - if i say so myself. ha ha additionally i began walking, just around the block at first - now i will go to the park, to the beach, and find myself enjoying the reconnection to me, to nature. music, maybe buy her an ipod to walk with, download some of her favorite music.

your mom has to take the focus on him and the hot tamale and put it back on herself.

believe me if the marriage is meant to be saved, he will take notice. but what is most important is that your mother will rediscover the young girl in her again. the independent, fun loving, smiling, confident young woman she use to be. does she like to dance, have her enroll in a dance class.

WHATEVER it takes. she needs to get moving. get up off of that couch of self pity, out of that bed of tears and start down the road to a freer, self confident self.

i hope i have helped.

IF you mother agrees to comes to this site, see if you can find some of my story. now i am not all healed yet - but compared to where i was - light years ahead. hell if i can make the changes i have so can she.

there are many many women here who are so wonderful, with great advice, it will help her i know.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2009
Sun, 04-18-2010 - 12:47pm

No, just your typical(?) midwestern upbringing.


And thank you for the

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2009
Sun, 04-18-2010 - 1:27pm

Thank you for your insight! I really do appreciate this and I feel like my my mother will too. I'm really glad you took the time to go into so

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
Sun, 04-18-2010 - 1:56pm

your mother is blessed to have such a caring child - please know your caring makes such a difference, even though she may not verbalize this fact to you.

so many of us place so much value on our children - they are to many of us like a thermometer as to how we have done as a parent. all of you are our greatest joy and source of happiness.

sometimes as children, even grown children, we do not realize how much our parents need love, kindness, and yes even empathy.

you are special, please know that.