How did you find out?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
How did you find out?
7
Tue, 08-06-2013 - 5:27pm

Mid July, 2008. My spouse invited me to go for a walk. I was doing my normal thing, watching TV even though we had dishes and cloths that needed washing. My spouse was a full time student and was getting good grades. Our kids were starting to do well in school. I would often take the kids to the local dollar movie to get them out of my spouse’s hair or pull them all into my bedroom to watch a show together while she studied in the livingroom. I thought I was helping, later she said that she felt abandoned when I did this. These were not the worst of times, nor the best of times. I felt life was on hold till she finished school the next semester.

On our walk that night, my spouse asked me to move out. I felt sideswiped. I tried to talk to her but was like there was this invisible wall between us. When we got back to the house, I told her that I would not be leaving. If she wanted to go, she would be welcome to visit our five kids anytime, but if and when she began seeing another man, that would change. This was my house also, we had just paid it off, and I didn’t really understand. She said that she would not be moving out and that we would just get by. She soon began to get ready for work shortly after this conversation. The next day, when I got home from work and she woke up, we talked again and she was adamant about divorce. I asked her what I could do to make things right. Interesting she began listing things. #1 was that our TV needed to come out of the bedroom, dishes, laundry, quality time, and so forth.

She began to leave for work again; I was devastated and hurting when she walked to the door. The wall she built between us was so thick and impenetrable. I was sitting alone in the living room hurting as she began to leave, but she stopped, she kissed her finger and gestured it to me. She was in there. That girl I know and love was in there somewhere. I walked to my bedroom and pulled the TV from the wall and walked it to my little office placing it face down. I didn’t know exactly what to do, but face down felt right. Me and the kids got busy and washed cloths and cleaned the kitchen. My spouse was so surprised when she got home that the TV was gone. The wall between us got a little thinner that night. She didn’t work that day and we talked and she admitted that she was talking to some man at school in inappropriate ways. “Seth” was his name. Later I found out that there were two men at school and Seth was a phony name. Over the next few days, we talked and began sorting some things out between us.

In the meantime, I found the hard copies of the phone records and began looking for the men from school. What I found were these very long phone calls to a number with a prefix from her hometown. I knew her Mom’s cell phone. Who was this? Instead of calling it, I confronted her. She instantly said it was her high school boyfriend. Their 20 year high school reunion had been in the spring and she said they had been talking. Personally, I had thought for some time that she needed to reconnect with him and sort out their stuff so on the surface, I wasn't entirly allarmed. I asked if they met without me knowing. I got silence. Then she said they went for a motorcycle ride. Stunned, I asked if they kissed, she nodded. I asked if it went further, I got silence. Then she began telling that she had been sleeping with him.

That was five years ago today.

Two days later, my co-worker sent me home from a very big tradeshow because I kept bursting into sobs when I saw clients whom I felt were friends. One of them pushed me to the corner of my booth and just stood in front of me to shield me from public view as I cried uncontrollably. I didn’t even show up for the following weeks trade show. By September I used up all my carefully saved up leave, I lost thirty lbs. There were lots of twists and turns, the indignity of telling men to stay away from my spouse and in one case, telling his spouse what had been going on. I would occasionally wake up with this feeling that “Oh, it was only a bad dream!” But it wasn’t, and in the weeks that followed, I struggled to make sense of the unfamiliar sound that was coming from me. I simply could not stop crying and I began to analyze it while it happened like this was some kind of new normal.

Her plan had been to move me out and to move him in. She hadn’t told him yet, in fact, she had told him goodbye. She had strong feelings for him and was considering returning to the relationship. I demanded that she get rid of any clothing or items associated with him. I work with, and collect, valuable books so I sold some of my prizes to a local dealer and took her shopping for replacement clothing. We had a really good talk about things and when we got home, I asked her to see me in the back yard. When she came outside, I put my sledgehammer through my TV. I know that sounds like I was becoming unscrewed, well, I was, and I wanted her to know that I would never pick something like a TV over her. Shocked at first, she locked eyes with me and soon I saw her face soften. She asked me to stay there while she went into the house. She returned with a stack of his letters addressed to her from him back in high school and she tore them up in front of me. I know this sounds melodramatic, but symbols can be powerful.

We have come a long way in five years. The woman I am talking to right now, is not that person I was talking to back then, nor am I the same man.

Writing my discovery story down today was cathartic. May I invite you to add your story? How did you find out and how is it going? Sending good vibes to you and your families. 

Tom 

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Fri, 08-09-2013 - 3:28am

Found out the first time around the night he came home from work and informed me he was moving out.  I do not exaggerate saying I KNEW instantly and asked if there was another woman.  His response was "I'm not having an affair, I'd never do that to you".  Mind you, this was '95, before I even knew there was such a thing as an emotional affair - all I knew is what he did was wrong and hurt like crazy.  It took me years to put it all on the back burner, and trust was never the same - I realize looking back I was always waiting for the next time.  So when the "next time" came it about turned me inside out.  This time was far more serious, "she" was so different from me and he was doing comparisons and apparently she was "winning" for quite awhile - all I knew was his behavior toward me during the months before I accidentally discovered she was out there, he was his all time nastiest toward me, so inside I must have had some idea something was going on somewhere.  How I found out was due to a glitch with our internet provider - their e-mail was messed up and on our new computer an e-mail from her intended for HIM ended up in my inbox.....surprise.  If I start going into all the details I'll sit here for an hour, so I'll just say he eventually said to himself "what am I doing???"  I gave him an ultimatum, I contacted her, and she disappeared from the picture.  Stoopid guy, though, he continued to lie for 3 long years about never having had any contact with her, so he started the healing period all over again for us.  He did a complete turnaround and I feel like the most important person in his life finally, even though for ME I feel like we are more roommates than anything.  But I think inch by inch we're making progress.  This whole thing really messed with my brain, unfortunately, I became very depressed as a result of it all and for me THAT is my priority, learning to deal with depression that's resistant to treatment.  Amazing how far reaching all this crap is.  Wishing you well.....Smile

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-1998
Fri, 08-30-2013 - 6:32pm

First time I started to find out things about my spouse was probably about a year before I actually had concrete evidence.  My spouse would start to pick fights with me over stupid things and arguing a lot.  One was about I didn't remember which way to pull or push on my gas tank lever, that he got upset with me and my daughter in law witnessed it and said why has he been acting like that.  I just couldn't imagine putting one and one together at that time.  So some 9 months later, I had been attending classes at night and had a lot of homework to do.  My spouse planned to visit his parent's to watch a boxing match on ppv, like any other time, if I had homework, I usually wouldn't go with him and would stay home.  Well, this time I finished early and told him I could go with him.  Of course, plans changed, he wasn't going after all, his parent's made plans and we stood home that night.  As I am walking in our bedroom, I notice his phone ringing and see a name of a female, I don't recognize.  Well, after I started to do my addition, I realized why he wasn't going to go after all and why this unknown person was calling my spouse.  I started to really notice his change his security on his phone and the many many texts that he started to get and I decided to look at our phone records to see that this had been going on for a while, and how convenient, but she was a friend of his sister that they worked together.  Many many many tears and arguments later, I come to find out about 3 other relationships, because I had got his password from his accounts and seen that this was also going on with his employee that he would go and see while traveling to Florida for business, so called....

My spouse has left that employer and so he states that he is committed to me only, it has just about been 3 yrs since this all began and almost a year since he has left his last employer.  It still hurts so much that the man that I had been married to for 25 yrs and trusted with every ounce of trust, has just been knocked off that pedestal that I put him on.  It hurts that I don't trust him and for every action he does, I am just going through all the bad things he could be doing.  I have told him, I don't want access to anything anymore, since I don't want to see something that will hurt me again.  I just try to live for my daughter that is so devoted to family, I wish my husband thought about that.  I live day to day right now and try not to let anyone see the sadness and hurt inside me...

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2013
Tue, 09-10-2013 - 12:23pm

I want to tell you how sorry I am for what you are going through. Don't hold the hurt inside. It's not fair to you or your daughter. You need to tell your husband how hurt you are and why. Yes because he cheated, but also because he didn't value your trust and love enough to stay faithful to you. You need to keep him accountable and not let him off the hook. He needs to earn your trust again if you both want to stay together. You should not feel guilty about asking where he's going and who he'll be with. He should make pleasing you his priority. Stay strong. Cry it out (like I am). Reading these stories on this site has made me realize I probably should get counceling to get over my husband's affair - maybe counceling will benefit you also, whether you go it alone or with your husband.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2012
Wed, 09-11-2013 - 3:21pm

My finding out story reminds me of today 9/11, I will never forget where I was, and how I felt. I found out while preparing for a massive exam in the middle of a crazy semester. I was in my schools library and had just logged onto the computer to print a few pages of research. While waiting for my pages to print I logged onto my cell phone account to check the minutes (my husband was away on a guys trip snowmobiling, and before he left told me to watch the minutes because we were close to going over) I checked the minutes which came with a laundry list of numbers. I almost didn't catch it because my papers where printing and I ran away from the computer for a minute to get them. When I came back to my computer screen I saw that on the very top of the page there was a strange number with a strange area code who had called my husband’s phone number at 3:03 am that day. I was confused so I investigated more and saw over the 2 days he was on his trip this number had texted him and called him several times. Without skipping a beat I left the library went to a isolated hallway and called the number (side note I still can't walk through that hallway) the number rang and a voicemail of a female picked up, I wanted to lose it but I managed to keep calm and very politely asked the women to call me back. I then walked as fast as I could off campus and sat in my car and anxiously awaited the call back. After an agonizing 15 minutes I couldn't take it and called my husband he had no idea I didn't actually know anything but I played it up like I had already spoke to this women. The first words out of my mouth were is there something you want to tell me? He hesitated and said no, that's when I lost it I basically lied and told him I knew everything and he better get home now!  (He was 6 hours away with his brother and other guy friends) I then sat there in my car all alone listening to him confess. The story goes he annually goes on a guy trip with his brother and guy friends they go snowmobiling, the first night they got there they met a couple of older women at the casino and make a long story short he and his friends became quit intoxicated and he got left at the casino with one of the women, she drove him back to the hotel and well basically serviced him in her car. Over the next couple days this women sent him naked pictures and several texts. He never saw her again, but did reply to her texts. Listening to my husband confess while I sat in my car crying all alone an hour away from home was what I thought would be the worst event of my life, that was until about 20 minutes later when the other women called me back. Again in my car I listened to her story almost exactly similar to my husband’s she sounded grossly proud of her accomplishment and then reassured me I didn't need a man to be happy, geez whore thanks for the advice Undecided I think talking with this women made it even worse for me because it was obvious from our short conversation that this women was messed up severely, and how could MY husband want to be with that when he had me a intelligent, young, accomplished, beautiful wife at home? I was beside myself, I still don't remember how I got home, but I do remember just sitting in my car in complete shock. The next few days were cloudy, one day I left my purse full of money and the keys in the ignition with my car running as I went into a grocery store I didn't even realize it until I went to pay for my items. I was a mess!!!!!! Pain and anger consumed me and over the next year I struggled even with the help of a therapist, family, friends, and an apologetic do anything to fix this husband. It’s now been almost 2 years since my D-day and I still have my sad days but I am learning on how not to let this control me. Thankfully through all this I was able to still continue my education, and work. I didn't allow his dumb mistake to ruin my future. Today my H and I are doing well, our communication has changed not that it was that bad before but I now know the signs when something is bothering either of us and we talk. I knew pretty quickly that I had to either decided to forgive him or leave, (both choices at first sucked) but his actions and continued behavior helped me choose to forgive him. We only discuss the affair to talk about the pain; I will not throw it in his face or continually tell him how awful he is for doing that. I think part of the healing process for me was that I know my H is sorry, I know he understands the pain this has brought me, and probably the most important is that I know if this was to ever happen again I am strong enough to leave!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-1998
Thu, 09-12-2013 - 2:47pm

Counseling is something I have thought about.  I truly just don't know what good it would do, when what I need to feel, just isn't there right now, or if I will feel like before will ever come back again.  It was bad already that I suffer from depression, this just adds on top if it.  Hopefully, I will find my way back to the light, since all I see and feel right now is just the darkness. Frown

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-1998
Thu, 09-12-2013 - 2:47pm
but thanks for the support and I wish you well also.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
Tue, 09-24-2013 - 4:02pm
Why don't you LIVE for yourself?! Do you think that your daughter would want to see you this hurt?! I don't understand why stay in a marriage if you're hurting so much?! Yes some people with counseling do move on to work things out BUT that only works if BOTH parties want it.You're saying to your husband that you dont want to see anything or have access to anything anymore because you might see something that will hurt you?So you feel that he could do it again...so why stay living with that?! You need to live for YOU because if you live for others..it's not going to be a good outcome.I know that some people don't get out of these types of situations because of financial reasons...mainly..and then of course because of their kids..but it's mainly financial.Why force your kids to stay in a broken home anyways? I don't get it.If you're not happy...then your kids sees that anyways.I wish you were not hurting like this. sorry for your pain.